Today's Special: Jeff Bezos Celebrated His Divorce with Cereal Milk Soft-Serve

Plus, if a volcano doesn't ruin America's avocado supply, Donald Trump will.

by Jelisa Castrodale
Apr 10 2019, 10:12pm

Welcome to Off-Menu, where we'll be rounding up all the food news and food-adjacent internet ephemera that delighted, fascinated, or infuriated us today.

  • It sounds like the setup for a Twitter joke or an email forward, but which is the bigger natural disaster: a volcano or Donald Trump? To the avocado-growing residents of Tochimilco in central Mexico, the answer is “BOTH.” According to AFP, Trump’s periodic insistence that he’s closing the southern border is just as terrifying as the nearby Popocatepetl volcano, because both of them have the potential to destroy their livelihoods. “When we hear Trump talk about the wall, about [closing] the border, we know it would be damaging for us," one avocado grower said. The United States imports some $2 billion worth of Mexican avocados every year and, according to some accounts, if Trump had followed through on his threats (or when Trump follows through on his threats) we would run out of this blessed fruit in roughly three weeks. Fortunately for Tochimilco—and for everyone who lives for artfully Instagrammed avocado toast—the president has backed down. For now.
  • Jeff Bezos! You’ve just finalized your divorce (and your alleged mistress is about to finalize hers, too) so what are you going to do? No, not a trip to Disney World. The billionaire Amazon founder and cursed dick-pic-taker celebrated (?!?!) the end of his 25-year marriage by going to the original Milk Bar in New York City’s East Village. Page Six reports that Bezos and two of his children ordered some cereal milk soft-serve to go before disappearing in a waiting SUV. Only Jeff Bezos could have an estimated $35 billion divorce settlement and still have enough cash left for several $9 servings of ice cream.
  • Speaking of ice cream, Red Circle Ice Cream in Houston recently debuted a crawfish-flavored ice cream, because every day we stray further from god’s light. “It’s CRAWFISH season so we had to do it,” Red Circle wrote on Instagram. “CRAWFISH Flavored ICE CREAM!!! Yup!!” (The shop added that the lifeless crawfish draped on top of the scoop in the photo was just for looks and wouldn’t actually be served).

WAFF reports that the shop sold out of its initial run of the crustacean-flavored treat, but would be making a second batch. I scream, you scream, we all scream into the void because nothing makes sense anymore.

  • And speaking of Amazon, PopSugar recently noticed that it’s your go-to spot for giant pillows that look like bread.

The pillows come in a variety of sizes—up to 31” for one baguette-shaped body pillow—and are perfect for anyone who wants to wake up with a soft, huggable reminder of all of the gluten they’re not eating.

  • A few weeks ago, we forced you to confront the poorly maintained remains of your childhood in the form of the Burgermobile from Good Burger. But there’s good news for that dilapidated 1975 AMC Pacer, because the owner of a St. Louis restaurant has bought it and vows to give it a much-needed overhaul. Mike Johnson, who runs the Hi-Pointe Drive-In, bought the car on Facebook, had it transported from Florida to Missouri, and has already sent it to a body shop to be restored. “We're going to see what it would take to make it run," he told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "I at least want the tires to roll."

Happy Wednesday!