We've All Dated Our Fair Share of Losers

“Made me proofread his LiveJournal posts.”

by Anna Goldfarb
Aug 16 2017, 3:15pm

Illustrations by Brandon Celi

When we look back on who we dated, sometimes we can't help but cringe. Not all of us zoomed out of the womb as fully formed Rico Suaves. Before we developed dating standards, we fumbled around with smelly Dungeons and Dragons nerds, awkward religious virgins, and sanctimonious vegan drummers. We asked friends and co-workers to tell us about the person they've most ashamed to have ever locked lips with. Here's what they said.

"Had three Black Flag tattoos. Three." - Mary, 26

"An anti-vaxxer, was constantly sick." - Linda, 24

"Decorated with empty liquor bottles, 35." - Tamika, 27

"He made his living off eBay." - Joseph, 28

"Believed regular brushing was government conspiracy." - Oke, 26

"Made me proofread his LiveJournal posts." - Emily, 33

"Fired from her dog walking gig." - Adam, 30

"Pothead tattoo artist. Resembled a warthog." - Catherine, 32

"Asshole was obsessed with his iPhone." - Sophie, 39

"Got super religious out of nowhere." - Kat, 33

"Lanky techno fan with big mouth." - Allie, 24

"He was in an electroclash band." - Henry, 35

"Straightedge hardcore fanatic. Yelled a lot." - Heather, 33

"A bassist in Hootie cover band." - Jen, 34

"Comic-book nerd with bad breath." - Jenny, 26

"Mama's boy. Refused to lick puss." - Petra, 31

"Mormon virgin was afraid of everything." - Laura, 29

"Had gecko best friend named Omar." - Allie, 24

"Bald part-time DJ, sneaker fetish." - Amber 25

"Thought grilled cheese was haute cuisine." - Heather, 39

"Non-driving, wore briefs, lived with parents." - Tara, 36

"Friends with Jesus in past life." - Tara, 36

"Dragon Ball Z tattoo. Hated it." - Heather, 39

"Six foot five, had twin-size bed." - Sara, 24

"Wiccan hippie wouldn't pay her taxes." - Joey, 33

"Traveled around country seeing Phish play." - Christie, 31

"Stand-up comedian. Worshipped Howard Stern." - Nikki, 39

"Snob who worked at record store." - Beth, 30

"Compulsive liar. Met at Warped tour." - Julia, 35

"Music theater major. Cried a lot." - Ruthie, 34

"Was vegan but secretly ate meat." - Benjamin, 28

"Would panic and scream at dogs." - Eric, 36

"Was way into Real Housewives shows." - Brendan, 36

"Immature starving artist. Didn't own TV." - Alexis, 24

"Had squeaky voice. Obsessed with rabbits." - Lily, 37

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