Please, everyone, stop what you're doing: hang up the phone, close all other open tabs, turn on your Gmail out-of-office autoreply. You are about to witness the greatest video the internet has to offer today. On Tuesday, one man broke the Guinness World Record for most watermelons sliced on his stomach, and it is just as glorious to behold as it sounds.
Forget everything you thought you knew about slicing fruit open on your abdomen. Let me introduce you to the one, the only, the real-life Fruit Ninja himself, Ashrita Furman.
Just watch this master work:
Furman manages to ravage 26 melons in one minute without slicing himself, aided by a team of faithful lackeys working in unison to clean up the halves and set up a fresh melon on his belly chopping block. Once he successfully sets the record, Furman rises and surveys his stomach which, while hairy and matted with the juicy carnage of his melon rampage, somehow didn't get cut. Incredible.
As skilled as Furman may be slicing melon with a samurai sword, chopping fruit isn't his only calling. The guy is basically a professional world record breaker. According to his website, Furman says he's set more than 700 records in his lifetime, and currently holds more than 200—including fastest somersaulting, largest popcorn sculpture, longest underwater pogo stick jumping, and, yes, most watermelons chopped on your stomach in 60 seconds. He also holds the world record for most world records, because of course. Truly a hero.
Thank you, Furman, for pushing the boundaries of human potential forward once again. May your great success teach our children and our children's children that they, too, can slice as many delicious summer fruits on their bodies as their hearts desire—all we have to do is set our minds to it. And grunt with each chop, apparently.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow VICE on Twitter.