Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a guy eating a burrito on a BART train in San Francisco. A sign on the opposite wall says that eating and drinking is prohibited, but he’s still chowing down on his foil-wrapped lunch. What do you do? What do you do?
For most of us, the answer is… nothing. At most, we might roll our eyes in his general direction, start making a mental list of the burrito restaurants between the station and our eventual destinations, or even type and eventually delete a not particularly good tweet about it.
But then there’s this guy, who decides to do the public transport-equivalent of a citizen’s arrest. A video posted to the r/BayArea subreddit on Sunday shows a middle-aged white man—one who’s dressed like Uncle Joey Gladstone’s laundry hamper—berating a burrito-eater before calling the police.
“You can’t wait? The sign says no eating and drinking,” this floral-patterned sphincter says, in a tone that makes us sympathetic for every waiter he’s ever encountered. “You don’t get it. You must be stupid. I’ve seen people like you on TV.” Of course he has, in between commercials for discount catheters. And—when Burrito Dude opts to keep chewing instead of acknowledging him—this undercover Lunch Policeman decides it’s time to call the actual police.
He presses the intercom in the train car, and tells the dispatcher that he needs a policeman on board. “We’ve got somebody dining in the first car. Number 356,” he says. “He’s dining. DINING. Eating on the train. Eating on the train.”
When he returns to his seat, he starts taking pictures of Burrito Dude and, let’s be honest, those are going to stay in his phone until he either accidentally texts them to himself or types “DEAR POLICE, THIS IS THE MAN WHO WAS DINING” into the Google search bar. At the next stop, the burrito eater—who seems to have already consumed the evidence of his crime—slings his backpack over his shoulder and gets off the train. As he’s waiting to exit, Captain Anal Fissure reads the sign out loud to him: “Eating and drinking subject to fine,” he says, really drawing out the single syllable of that last word.
“You must not ride BART much,” the woman sitting in front of him says, before suggesting that maybe he should focus on the drug-addled passengers who shoot up on those same green seats instead. “This is not our concern,” she says, gesturing to the burrito eater. “He is not our concern.”
According to SFGate, it is illegal to eat or drink on BART, and officers might give you a $250 fine as a palate cleanser. We say might, because they don’t seem to give a shit; according to SFGate’s own investigation, 11 people were given a citation for eating or drinking on a train in a “paid area,” which means that there was one fine for every 8.03 million riders that year.
The original poster on Reddit did not say whether he or she actually saw any officers approach the train. We’re holding out hope that Mr. Fussy will be given a retroactive citation for frivolous use of the emergency intercom, and for dressing like a piece of patio furniture.