This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.
The Assman will not be denied.
No, you can’t stop the Assman. Only one with a exorbitant amount of hubris would be foolish enough to try—like the house, the Assman always wins. This is a lesson the Canadian province of Saskatchewan is slowly learning as they decided to take on David Assman and what they consider to be his “offensive” last name.
Pity the poor Saskatchewan government, for they do not know what they do.
David, you see, wanted to hang a vanity license plate featuring his rather unique last name on the back of his truck. (Full disclosure, I’ve been a fan of vanity license plates since my dad proudly hung OLD SOW on the back of our 1995 Ford Aerostar—the plate, a family heirloom of sorts, was handed down to him from my grandpa.) The government, well, they’re not too enthusiastic about the idea of a truck rocking an ASSMAN license plate bombing around the prairies, so they denied his application and, most recently, his follow-up appeal.
In response to that, the proud Assman of Melville, Saskatchewan, turned the entire rear end—the ass of the truck, you could say—into a replica of a vanity ASSMAN license plate. The Assman, keeping it real as always, wrote on Facebook that “just as [Saskatchewan Government Insurance] anticipated me appealing my denial, I also anticipated them refusing my appeal!”
“I could have got a plate for the front but I really wanted a vanity plate on the back of my truck!”
Speaking to the Star Phoenix, Assman said that his long fight for Assman rights started in the 90s when he was denied his first application for an Assman plate on the grounds that it was “profanity.” The most recent denial was on similar grounds as the first, and let’s just say it’s not a decision Assman took quietly.
“I think they are too worried that people are going to have hurt feelings about something that is complete nonsense,” Assman told the paper. “Even if it wasn’t my last name, who is it going to hurt?”
I mean if you had a name that great—even if it’s apparently pronounced “Oss-man” but that’s neither here nor there—wouldn’t you want to show it off? Look, here’s a little hypothetical:
Picture, if you will, David Assman ripping around in his sick Dodge Ram on a warm summer day in Saskatchewan. He leans slightly out of his truck’s lowered window as he drives past the wheat fields I assume make up every Saskatchewan city’s downtown core. He nods a tiny bit to everyone he sees, and they all nod back ‘cause they know who he is—that’s the Assman. Out his speakers he’s just fucking blaring the theme song for mid-90s WWF midcarder Billy “Mr. Ass” Gunn, a song which features the repeated chorus of “I’m an Assman.” While the CD he is playing has 19 songs on it, they’re all just this. When he pulls past them, all the citizens of Melville check out the back of his truck, reading the coolest dang name in the whole of Melville as he pulls away: “ASSMAN.” They hate to see him go but they love to watch him leave.
Do you want to deny a man this? Yeah, I would hope not.
As an extra middle finger to Saskatchewan bureaucracy, Assman decided to make the decal on the back of his truck not just an ode to his name but a massive replica of a Saskatchewan license plate. This means it has the four bolts, and a big ol’ Saskatchewan on top with the tagline “land of the living skies” on the bottom.
While the government department responsible for denying Assman his dream responded to Assman’s revenge coyly—tweeting “All’s well that ends well.” in response to a picture of the decal—we all know what really happened.
They had been beaten—spanked, if you will—by the Assman.
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