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Can Britain’s Feelgood Newspaper Actually Make Me Feel Good?

We looked for the worst in The Weekly News, a newspaper that claims to always look on the bright side of life.

The face of print journalism is set to change again over the next few weeks, both with the end of the Independent which is due to cease printing in March, and the arrival of New Day, an offshoot of the Daily Mirror which launches this morning (Monday). New Day has claims its something new on the current landscape, offering "political neutrality" and vowing to treat its readers "like grown-ups". The paper's editor, Alison Philips, has stated in interviews that New Day will not just be a watered down version of the Daily Mirror and will instead avoid "terrifying its readers", telling Radio 4 it was going to present positive news to make people "feel good".

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In a climate of inflammatory headlines and biased reporting, it stands to reason that a paper offering narrative without prejudice would be welcome. Doesn't the UK need a paper that won't constantly resort to fear-mongering in order to inspire it's own agenda? A newspaper that makes you feel good about the world instead of damning it to death, disease and destruction on every page?

Newsflash sheeple, it already has one. And it has done since 1855.

The Weekly News describes itself as "the paper with the feelgood factor," which when you think about it is an excellent quality to have. Featuring "dramatic real-life stories" with a strong "human interest," the paper is designed to give its readers "a lively, informative, and entertaining package." Only, it isn't 1855 anymore. This is the world of Isis, Brexit, Putin, ebola, and semi-regular news stories about TV presenters abusing children. Is there really, in 2016, such a thing as feelgood news? Is news even news if it feels good? "Man gets to work on time" - isn't that just life?

Armed with a copy of this week's edition, and the doe-eyed optimism of a new-born calf, I set out to find out if The Weekly News really could make me feel good.

Alligator Shock at US Drive-Thru

I can see what the Weekly News have tried to do here. Stick a little "make it snappy" pun on the end of the story and hope nobody notices the abject horror here. Actually picture this scene, imagine it actually happening to you: you're at work, coming to the end of another long shift in a job you're not particularly enamoured. You never imagined you'd end up flipping burgers in Wendy's for a living, but that's where you are so you've got to make the best of it. If you can ride this out for another year and a half, maybe two years, then you should just about have enough money to get away from here and travel for a bit. But then what? You'll wind up coming home with your tail between your legs once the money runs out and back in the same job waiting for… SHIT SOMEBODY'S THROWN AN ACTUAL FUCKING ALLIGATOR AT YOUR FACE. It's scuttling around the floor gnashing at our ankles. Lorraine who does the nuggets is the first to go, it grabs her below the shin and pulls her behind a freezer. She's screaming, christ it's such a horrible scream. She re-emerges for a second, torso flipping about like a floundering fish before disappearing again to her final fate. Then your floor manager. He was trying to help Lorraine but wasn't strong enough, it gripped its vice-like jaw around his neck and severs an artery. The blood gushes from his throat like a dark, frothy liquer. His eyes go pearly and cold and you know he's dead. It faces you next, you're the only one left. You want to say your survival instinct is kicking in, but honestly? You realise you're too resigned to your fate for survival to seem within the realms of possibility. You briefly try to claw through the drive-thru hatch but it's too late. It has your foot. It has you. Is this a prank? For it feels like hell.

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If you think that's "feelgood" why don't I come round and throw a crocodile through the window of your offices Weekly News. Let's see how many snappy puns you're making then.

A Leap Onto Rarest of Birthday Dates

Alan Shaw opens his think-piece on leap years with the gambit, "I had a pal whose birthday fell on a February 29." What follows is basically the ramblings of your most boring uncle at a family function.

"People born on February 29 are sometimes known as leaplings."

Really, uncle Alan?

"In 1964, the Queen's cousin Princess Alexandra gave birth to the first-ever royal baby born on February 29."

That's great, uncle Alan.

"In Greece, it's considered unlucky to marry on leap day."

Let's get you another sherry.

Beginning to think this is the sort of paper that might run the story, "Breaking News: Pancake Day."

Philip Is The King of Silver Surfers

Part of the regular "The Royal Week: column, this story is primarily about two things: firstly, that Prince Philip knows how to use the internet, and secondly, that Prince Philip is quite deaf.

Okay, I get I'm not the necessarily the designated readership for The Weekly News—any story that features the excited quote, "hearing aids have become ever-more discreet over the years," probably doesn't gel with an 18-25 audience—but surely I should be able to find some good feels here. Isn't "feelgood" a universal concept? Doesn't it encompass all generations? Two words inexplicably mashed into one for maximum motivation? If this story about Prince Philip's hearing aid is truly feelgood, shouldn't I be bristling with joy regardless of my age? If this is actually a feelgood story, shouldn't the fact that "Philip was said to be reluctant to start wearing hearing aids," spread an irrepressible, elephantine grin across my face? Shouldn't the fact that his new phone has "a ringtone that can sound as loud as a road drill" leave me giddy as school girl?

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Feel quite sad for him actually, the deaf old trout.

Eamonn's Joy At His Ordinary Life

"People will talk about me doing the extraordinary, but all I want to do is the ordinary," says Eamon, following his double hip replacement. Who? Who is talking about Eamonn Holmes "doing the extraordinary." Who is sitting around with cups of steaming tea, nattering away about all the incredible feats Eamonn Holmes will now pull off. "Maybe he'll tackle China's great wall?" "Perhaps he'll retrace Alexander the Great's conquest of the Persian Empire?" "Maybe he'll run a thousand marathons for Sport Relief?" Leave him alone! Eamonn just wants an ordinary life free from the constant expectation of miracles that plagues him.

Down Memory Lane: February 28, 2005

If there is one event of which I will always be glad to acknowledge its anniversary, then it's this one. Keep Eamonn's hip replacement and Philip's road drill ringtone. The 15-year anniversary of what is still, to this day, the funniest thing to happen on a football pitch since Lineker scraped his grubby cheeks across the muddy ground. With those four words Delia Smith ceased to just be a chef, and became a battle cry, and we shall never, ever forget.

I actually feel good you know. Better than good. World, let's be 'avin you! Oh actually I could have just seen this on YouTube.

@angusharrison

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