Forget Global Warming, Hurricane Sandy Was Caused by the Gays

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, we must all be looking upon the scattered wreckage of millions of people's lives and thinking the same thing: This is all the fault of the homosexuals.

Oh wait, no we don't, because that would be insane. But given the US Christian right's enthusiasm for blaming massive, catastrophic events on people who aren't like them, it was pretty clear as soon as the waters began to swell that someone would rat out the gays. Chaplain, TV personality and author John McTernan just happened to get there first. In their never-ending quest to destroy the world, homosexuals (as well as pro-abortionists) have apparently also caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and the 2007 British flooding. I called up John to get to the bottom of these super-powerful planet-fucking gays and gain some insight into fundamentalist Christian theology.

VICE: Hi John. Hurricane Sandy has left the East Coast in tatters. Can you explain what caused this?
John McTernan: Since 1987 I have been tracking the correlation between what I call “national sinful events” and destruction hitting America. At the heart of that is abortion-related events, homosexual events and days when the US pressures Israel to divide the land.

So Sandy isn’t the only hurricane that’s been caused by homosexuality and abortion?
No. Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans during the week of Southern Decadence, a festival where homosexuals from all over the world gather to fornicate and urinate in public.

They fornicate in the street?
Oh yes, I have seen it on video. It wasn’t just Southern Decadence that caused it, though. That was also the year that George Bush Jr. pressured Israel to pull out of Gaza.

So homosexuality isn’t the only problem we're dealing with here?
That’s exactly right – that’s what I’ve been trying to explain to the homosexual community. I don’t bash homosexuality, I only report this as it happens. I do the same thing for abortion and Israel events.

So does this always lead to hurricanes?
I’ll give you a different example. In June of this year, Obama signed an executive order making June a "gay month". Shortly after that, an incredible heatwave hit the US, causing fires and drought. Similarly, he was publicly advocating gay marriage while the hurricane was bearing down, so all I really do is combine the headlines: Obama’s making a speech about homosexual marriage and the hurricane happening simultaneously.

Yes, I see that. But if God is punishing the US for subverting his plans, isn’t that theologically problematic because it makes the US as powerful as God?
Well America is special, because God has blessed us. We have also been a great blessing to the Jewish people, and we are held responsible by God more than other nations, so to go 180 degrees against God brings America into a different light.

Why has God made straight people suffer as well?
The homosexual population is very small in the US, but they have tremendous supporters. I’m not zeroing in on homosexuals, I’m zeroing in on the entire segment of the American population that supports them.

What are your views on global warming?
Because of my beliefs, I filter everything through the Bible.

I can see that.
In Revelations, chapter 16, it talks about a time when the sun will increase in temperature, so I do believe in global warming – not as a classic carbon dioxide type, but as the sun’s intensity that’s affecting the Earth.

As a result of what?
The same reasons as before. It's part of what’s coming as we get closer to the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Is it possible that homosexuality caused global warming and then that in turn caused the hurricane?
No, I am not a meteorologist but I do a tremendous amount of reading. There has been absolutely no evidence that global warming causes hurricanes – in fact, it has been refutiated [sic] . There’s no connection between the two.

Do you think that homosexuals should be punished for the destruction they’ve caused?
No. The answer is repentance and asking God to heal our land. Roe Vs. Wade should be reversed. The US should stop bullying Israel. The nation should identify marriage as between one woman and one man. Homosexuals should not be allowed to adopt children, and it should not be open and legal in the military.

What about countries where homosexuality is tolerated that don’t have natural disasters?
My take on this is that God is sending Islam into Europe as judgement. You will not be able to continue your lifestyle in Europe as the Muslims take over. And Obama is part of the Islamic agenda, too.

What about the parts of the Bible that allow rape? Are we to follow those literally too?
A lot of the Old Testament is cultural. The New Testament doesn’t allow rape but it condemns homosexuality alongside stealing and murdering.

It sounds like you’re picking and choosing verses.
I see you’re testing me on this. That’s your own opinion. Does homosexuality no longer offend God? Well I have given example after example of natural disasters in this country. Is that just all one big coincidence? Or is this God using nature to warn us?

Have you ever struggled with your own sexuality?
No. I’ve been married for 30 years, I have four children, and I’ve never been divorced. If your wife was adulterous, would you stone her to death?
No, because we are no longer under Moses’ law. We’re under the moral law.

Great news, thanks John!