Is Bernie Sanders Actually Larry David? A @Seinfeld2000 Investigation
Welcome to 'Bern Your Enthusiasm,' courtesy of the preeminent imagineer of modern 'Seinfeld' episodes, @Seinfeld2000.
All images via the author
[Editor's Note: @Seinfeld2000 started out as a parody of the relatively straightforward Twitter account @SeinfeldToday, but through a unique style, consisting of broken English, an irrational hatred of Barack Obama, and a rich internal world in which the Seinfeld characters are murderous sex addicts who measure time with pieces of technology, @Seinfeld2000 has in many ways transcended his trollish roots. He's made a video game, written an e-book, and been profiled by the New York Times.]
k. so if u follow me on twiter or instagram then u already know FULL WELL that my whole M.O. is just simply conjuring up ideas abt what Seinfeld would be like if it never ended and still going on NBC with brand new epsodes every thursday nite just like back in the day.
But honestly some times that mision statement extend WELL PAST the paramaters of Seinfeld and start to enter brave new teritory. case in point: r u aware its been four years since Curb Your Entuisasm was on TV? i mean technicaly Curb was never on TV becase it was on HBO and HBO is not TV, its HBO but u get the point!!! lmao
meanwhile, a young upstart name Bernie Sanders has been postively ELECTRAFYING the democratic base with fresh new policys like lowering the price of a cup of cofee back down to a quarter "the way it should be," outlawing combs, and sweeping policy that when u buy one pair of bifocals, u get the second pair free. (look im gona keep it
with u, his web site has got a lot of policy stuff on it but it was so boring that every time i read one sentance i fell asleep like i just chug a full canteen of Neo Citran—so im just basing what i imagen his policys are based exclusively on his apearance.)
k, im gona stop beating around the bush and just get to the point: is Bernie sanders Larry David? Based on the cursory evedence, all signs point to yes. Brace your self and feast ur eyes on this chart i made:
I dont blame u if u straight up just fainted becase taking that all in is like watching the end of The Sixth Sense and watching the end of The Usual Sus simultaneosly via two screen experience - i dont think im being over dramatic when i say it shaters your entire world view into a milion pieces and then u cant even put your world view back together again becase you cant find your one pair of bifocals. Its prety overwhelming.
Anyway, once i had realize this, i did what any good investigative jornalist would do: i went straight to the horses mouth (the "horse" in this case being bernie sanders and the "mouth" in this case being his oficial twiter account)
One might think that bernie would want to make like Febreze and clear the air but surprisingly i received no respanse from Sandars himself or his team. In fact they didnt even fav my twete as a conciliatiatory move to be like, "k it wouldnt be prudant for us to respond outright but as the preeminent imageneer of modarn Seinfeld epsodes, we bestow this fav upon u if for no other reason than to acknowledge u as a sign of respect." I mean faving my twete would have been the honorable thing to do but perhaps this is a candidate who is not honorable smh
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With the Sanders campaign completely unwiling to cooperate with a quasi anonymos twiter account that envisiens what Seinfeld would be like today, i had to make like modarn columbo and do what the forensic departments of the finest police statiens in the land do when theyre trying to determine if one person is another person: i just cracked open photoshop and overlaid their faces over each other to see if they would line up. To my chagrin, they did not.
So that setles it. Or does it? Ya prety much. However maybe it doesnt settle it all the way. Over at the lifestyle gossip blog Medium, writer Jonathan Norcross takes a deep dive and posit that maybe they are not the same person but just maybe they are long lost brothers. He points out that they grew up 2 mile apart and they went to high schols that were 1.6 miles apart! And then theres also the fact that Bernie Sanders has a brother in the UK name... LARRY?? I mean arguably these are all things that point to the fact that they are actualy NOT brothers but i think at this point we can all prety much agree that they are similar yes but are not relatives or the same person
But what if they were the same person? LMAO, like what if Lary David was Bernie Sanders and Curb Your Enthusiasm was about Bernies adventures in the White House? Well buckle the fuck up bc thats exactly what i will spend the rest of this article imagening.
The Lincoln Bedroom
Imagen an epsode of Bern Your Enthusiasm where Leon moves in to the white house with bernie. LOL it would be so funny omg k like, it would start off that Leon moves in to the Lincoln bedroom but then Leon has a threesome in the lincoln bedroom.
BERNIE: You had a threesome in the Lincoln Bedroom? Leon you cant be bringing women you pick up in the club to the White house! What if the media finds out!
LEON: i emancipated those two fine women. sexually. it was a sexual emancipation Bernie. do you have any idea how much ass you get when you tell people you live in the white house? Im probably getting more ass than Clinton up in that lincoln bedroom. When im done theyre gona have to name it the Leon Bedroom. Shit i might have to start wearing a stovepipe hat, get me a beard and shit. Im Abraham Leon"
k and Bernie and Jeff would still be BFFs it would be so inapropriate! The whole ep would be just them LOLing while reading Hilary Clintons 2014 memoir Hard Choices in front of Vice President Ted Danson (its a long story but ya, Ted Danson would be VP)
The Red Phone
U think the hilarity would be all political but no there would still be room for us to witness the more shall we say, intimite side of the Sandars presidency. There would be so much hilarity in the bedroom when Bernie Sanders picks up the fabled presidential RED PHONE at 3am during sex intercorse with his stunning wife Cheryl Sanders. But its only Jeff calling. Heres what their fight would be like:
BERNIE: I cant believe youre yelling at me for answering the RED PHONE. Its the RED PHONE! I have to answer! it might have been a threat from north korea!
CHERYL: but it wasnt a threat from north korea bernie it was jeff. why did you give jeff the number to the red phone?
BERNIE: Its a direct line! im the president, you know how hard it is to get a direct line to me now that im president?
CHERYL: Yeah but if everyone has the line, its not exactly direct, is it bernie
BERNIE: Not everyone has it! just jeff... and funkhouser
CHERYL: You gave it to Funkhouser? Tomorrow morning youre changing the number on the RED PHONE
BERNIE: Ok. I'll change the number
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Then he changes the number but doesnt give anyone the new number and then theres an actual North Korean nucular war and thats how the world ends. *cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme over horifying scenes of the apocalypse*
Follow @Seinfeld2000 on Twitter.