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This Was Not a Good Week to Be Working on a Tony Abbott Musical

How do you write a musical about a man who writes his own punchlines, and then writes himself out of the story?

Illustration by Sophie Blackhall-Cain

While Tony Abbott may not have been the friend of colleagues, students, health workers, public broadcasters, asylum seekers, witches, Muslim clerics, Barack Obama, South Australian ship builders, or anyone who opposed his conservative white-man-agenda, one thing was certain: he was comedy gold.

Nowhere was this more apparent than in writing Abbott! The Musical. This is the show that used something called a "quote light," which came on every time they used a comment that hadn't been made up. Think, "Sex is a man's right to demand"—that's real Abbott.

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But what happens when your star, muse, and subject screws your script by getting kicked out of office?

A week out from Abbott! The Musical premiering at Melbourne Fringe, the team completely had to rewrite their scripts. We called up Nick Conway, the musical's co-writer and lead star, to see if they've worked out a way to make Backbencher: The Musical just as appealing.

VICE: Abbott had peculiarities that were unlike any other modern Australian Prime Minister, how were you going to pin them down?
Nick Conway: It's the image he saw of himself. Just after he was PM, he made himself the Minister for Women. This is a man who already had a history of misogyny with the Julia Gillard saga. He was setting himself up. He only started off with one woman in his front bench. It was so misguided, and so out of touch—and he continued to prove he didn't understand as time went on. But maybe he was, and just wasn't good on camera, but either way, it was quite striking.

And we have verbatim quotes in the script. We had a consultant knock certain lines back, until we explained it was Abbott. To explain this to the audience, we had a light turn on each time we directly quoted Abbott—like how we say, "sex is a man's right to demand." Understandably, there were gasps when these lines come out because they're so ridiculous and incorrect, but they're the exact words of our ex-PM.

How did Abbott keep feeding your script as he went on?

We've been compared to Keating: The Musical, but I think we're different because we constantly have to be malleable. Almost at every turn with this script there's a nuance or small reference to something big or small. We were five shows into our run at Adelaide Fringe when he ate the onion, which then made it into the next show. Speaking of rewrites, how do you write about Malcolm Turnbull now he's got the added cache of being PM?
We're not sure whether we'll finish with him taking the leadership just yet. I mean, he hasn't really done much as Prime Minister really. As a character leading up to the spill, I think he was a very reserved man. He's almost sneaky in the sense that since February, he was asked questions about whether he wanted the leadership and he'd always say no. And certainly the clandestine nature between him and Bishop will definitely have to come out. Compared to Abbott, Turnbull is what I imagine a Liberal politician to be. He's got his mind together, and whether or not you like his policies or not, I think you can see he's a good politician. It'll be exciting to see the way those two interact from now on. In many ways this musical reminds us of what we've just lost. How are you going to accommodate the swift changes happening right now?
Certainly as things come out, we'll make every attempt to get them into the show. Previously, there was no Malcolm Turnbull in the show but now we need at least a song and a scene for him. At the end of the day, this is a reminder, perhaps as you said, of the last two years. In a way, you've spent so much time with this man you must feel close to him. I have to ask, when that chopper was following him around Canberra the day after he was deposed, through a carwash, but largely just wandering the capital's streets for hours, what do you think he was thinking?
Initially you'd think he'd be relieved after a horrible two years as Prime Minister. You only need to switch on your computer or a television to see how he was torn to shreds every day. I think he was actually quite stunned when he got ousted. Maybe he was just riding around, taking in that one last ride as Prime Minister. Follow Alan Weedon on Twitter.