Girl Eats Food - Lingerie Longanisa

It's "rustic" food, but not for pricks.

Joanna Fuertes Knight

You can't walk to the nearest fried chicken spot these days without seeing a gaggle of young, braying, upwardly mobile dickwipes waiting to get into the latest shithole that's hung some cheap art on the walls and rebranded itself as "rustic." I can't say for sure what's going on in the minds of these people, but I guess if you've been forced to get jobs in the big city to support your alcoholic parents back home, it must be comforting to put stuff in your mouth that tastes of peat every now and then.

Chorizo, followed closely by feta-stuffed olives and limoncello, tops my ~rustic~ buzz-food hit list. Listen up, cos Imma show you how to home-cook this shit and save the pennies along the way.

Lingerie Longanisa

If chorizo was traditionally the broke man’s sausage, then longanisa is the broke but fat and impatient man’s alternative. Though pretty much the same flavor, longanisa doesn’t have to be air-dried for like, a hundred years before you can stuff your face with it, so it’s perfect for making at home.


1 x pack of mince pork
1 x tbspn of sugar (I know, right?)
1 x tspn of sea salt
1 x tbspn of paprika
4 x cloves of garlic
1 x tbspn of white vinegar

Step 1.

You know that rich, crimson color chorizo gives off, that anyone cooking it ever is at pains to point out to prove that they totally eat it all the time? That’s from the industrial amount of seasoning, and the seasoning is to mask the fact that Latinos hate wasting stuff, so their sausages are more often than not full of pigs' anus, tongue, and back-fat. Unless I've got this completely wrong and those things are desirable to you, throw in your seasoning!

Step 2.

Speaking of back-fat, if you can’t find slabs of the stuff, get some extra flavor by chucking in the chubby bits of bacon.

Step 3.

Splash in the vinegar then ideally leave to sit overnight. (I know, boring.)

Step 4.

I don’t casually have a meat grinder in the house, so I just went at mine with a hand blender. It was tough going, but I got there in the end.

Step 5.

We’ve got this far and you’re like “OMG, but wer is da QuiRkY bit of the recipe Jo :) ?” Stuff your sloppy ground meat into a ladies stocking. The beauty of longanisa is that it’s a skinless sausage, so there’s no fucking around with hog casing. If you’ve ever tried to get into a pair of XS lurex leggings, this technique should be a piece of piss.

Step 6.

Once your meat is packed into stockings, shape it into a kind of turd coil, and return it to the fridge.

Step 7.

When you’re ready to chow down on the turd coil, you need to steam it… STILL IN THE STOCKING… for about five minutes.
Step 8.

Once firm, cut your sausage out of the stockings like a drunk girl in the ER.

Step 9.

Finally, finish by frying in a super hot pan.

There you have it, a big posh sausage you didn’t have to source from a members-only boutique deli.




Previously - Angel Delight Cookies