Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant’s mom is 37 years old, the same age as me. Pretty sure we don’t have much else in common. His mom is black, I’m white; she’s a woman, I’m a dude; and when I was graduating college after four years of printing bullshit on lithography stones and dropping copper plates into acid, she was getting arrested for selling crack. I guess you could say that my life has been a little easier than hers.
Dez didn’t have the most stable upbringing. He lived in eight different households during his time at high school, places where he had frequent emotional breakdowns. Still, he managed get recruited by Oklahoma State, where he was awesome, and got picked in the first in 2010 by the Boys. He’s good. Well, sort of. He recently turned himself into authorities after getting into an argument with his half-brother that resulted in him allegedly assaulting his mom, and he is now being charged with domestic violence.
It’s the first time Dez has actually been charged with anything, but in his short football career he’s been detained after an alleged incident at a Miami nightclub, kicked out of a mall for swearing and sagging his jeans, and been sued twice for allegedly stealing jewelry. (Not to mention this offensive bullshit when he was getting drafted.)
Poor Dez. For real. At 21 and almost overnight, he went from a fucked-up childhood bank account and into the intense heat of the spotlight. In an attempt to keep Dez, now 23, on the field and out of trouble, he has had to agree to some rules and guidelines set forth by the Cowboys management. This includes a curfew, staying away rom strip clubs, and abstaining from alcohol during the season. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has since denied the existence of the Dez Rules since they were initially reported, claiming that the Boys and Jerry were just trying to do what’s best for Dez and his family.
In the past, Jerry has had to deal with plenty of players that got into trouble. Fuck, Michael Irvin threw himself a 30th birthday party with a pile of blow, plenty of weed, and sex toys… and it only stands to reason tons of pussy. And I don’t think it would be a stretch to say it was probably like that most weekends. It’s not surprising that Jerry would try to deflect some of the attention, as he has an investment in Dez, and isn’t (entirely) some heartless asshole who wants to see a troubled kid fail. Maybe he likes him? Stranger things have happened; however, Jerry does suck at rapping, and should be banned from trying to do it.
What is truly shocking is how much shit Dez is getting from fans and the media, who all seem to be wholeheartedly agreeing to these mythical rules. Yankees announcer and ESPN radio host Michael Kay blasted Dez on his syndicated show, questioning his manhood for giving up his right to get bottles in the club and make it rain on sweaty strippers. This is funny because the “men” who play for the Yankees give up the right to have beards and sideburns, and many get paid a fraction of what Dez receives in his much shorter football season. Race has even been thrown into the argument, with some saying the rules sound racist (apparently the public isn’t aware that white folks like drinking and naked chicks, too).
Turning himself in, and asking his advisor to help him get his shit together sounds pretty fucking manly for a 23-year-old whose mama sold crack, but it’s not enough for everyone. It’s no secret that NFL players get arrested a lot, but why? In an effort use pure data, and avoid talking about Rapelisburger and Mike Vick (again), I created an Excel sheet detailing the 75 reported arrests of NFL players since 2011. I broke down each arrest by the following criteria: Date of Arrest, player name, violation, position, and team. I thought that perhaps it would help me make a better call on whether or not the Dez Rules are racist, unnecessary, or just standard for a sport where a fuckload of players get pinched.
• Only five teams since the beginning of 2011 haven’t had a player arrested: the Cardinals, Jets, Ravens, Saints, and Texans. This is noteworthy because Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was once accused of murder and avoided jail time by snitching. The Saints were involved in a bounty scandal, where players were rewarded for pretty much killing opposing players.
• July is the most common month to be arrested, and it’s also when training camps begin. Does this mean that players are more apt to rage once they’re reunited with their teammates and are doing two-a-days, or does it just mean cops are always lurking around them? And what are these cats getting arrested for anyway?
• The most common infractions of the law are DUI (18 of the 75 arrests) and Possession (8 of 75), usually of weed but sometimes codeine. (Baseball, the sport of white people, also has a pretty bad DUI problem.)
• Johnny Jolly not only has a cool name, he’s also been busted for Sizzurp… twice.
• Unfortunately for Dez, wide receivers are arrested more than any other position, currently sitting pretty at 13 arrests. Good thing he may or may not have some rules protecting him because most of the arrests come from DUIs and domestic violence.
• Linebackers, running backs, and cornerbacks totaled 31 arrests, so if “back” is in the name of your position, for fuck’s sake hire a designated driver and take some anger management classes, because you’re prone to ride dirty and fuck people up. You’re rich enough to do both without much hassle.
• Quarterbacks, kickers, centers, and fullbacks don’t get arrested as often as their colleagues, but it’s important to note that fullbacks don’t really exist in modern football.
• Since 2011, no offensive guards, punters, or tight ends have been arrested. Gronk is guilty of being the shittiest dancer in the NFL, though.
• Three Cowboys have been arrested since 2011, including Dez, but the Vikings lead the NFL in player arrests with an impressive ten infractions, and two repeat offenders in Chris Cook and Everson Griffen.
• Though they lead the NFL in arrest stats, Vikings players aren’t your typical criminals. Most of their offenses show that they’re more into assault and having weapons, than all American DUIs.
Maybe this data will help you with some tough fantasy football cuts, or settle some arguments, but it’s really young, up-and-coming NFL stars who should be paying the most attention. Listen the fuck up, guys!
When you’re in training camp next July, you’re going to be drinking, and probably smoking weed. Be smart for once and get a weed carrier/driver; you might not make guaranteed money, but chances are you can afford to have a roommate who drives you around, man! If you play for the Vikings you NEED to smoke pot because you’re high-strung and ready to commit violent crimes. Lastly, if you’re a wide receiver, you should probably just live at the stadium, at least during training camp, because these cops are going to bust your ass and fans are going to say what an immature, spoiled millionaire you are, right before they stuff their faces with spicy animal limbs, drink too much light beer, and paint their faces and stomachs while cheering you on.