Ed Hardy, Art Historian

MONA LISA BY LEONARDO DA VINCI

What up what up what up!!!!!! Let’s talk about some weak-ass gay-ass art! I’m Ed EFFIN’ Hardy and I’m gonna be your M-F-in’ DOCENT! Which is just a silly fancy McGaylord way of saying “art yeller-at-er”!!! I got a BA in ART from internet college (WebMD.com, MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT) and a Four Loko in my MAN PURSE. I’m ready to GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So: the Mona Lisa. This is trash. How many tigers or skulls are in this painting? THE ANSWER IS ZERO, WHICH IS THE GAYEST NUMBER OF SKULLS OR TIGERS YOU CAN HAVE IN A PAINTING. Put some tigers around Lisa’s head and then, boom, you got the

HARDY LISA

. Then her little smile will mean: “Yeah, I got some bomb-ass tigers around my head, what you gonna do about it? Let’s make out and then go ivory poaching at Epcot!!!!” BOOM!

THE PERSISTENCE OF MEMORY

BY SALVADOR DALÍ

THIS IS TRASH. Just like what I initially said about the Mona Lisa, but this time MUCH LOUDER, AS IF IT WAS IN ALL CAPS IN A CHAT ROOM FROM 2002!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, can someone say G-A-Y? I mean, I know I can, as I’ve proven before and will prove again now: GAY-GAY-GAY (sung to the tune of “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga, which is DOUBLE GAY x 5-Hour Energy Drink). Here we got some clocks, which rhyme with cocks, which is urban slang for “wangs,” and some beige-ass desert shit. The only colors that should ever be in art, in order, are: NEON GREEN, NEON PINK, BOOB-COLORED (MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS), FLUORESCENT TIGER, NEON PEEN (PINK + GREEN OR THE COLOR OF A PEEN, MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS), FOUR LOKO-INDUCED BARF.

THE LAST SUPPER BY LEONARDO DA VINCI

I may not know art (jk, I do), but I know what I like/that if I made a Swiss Hardy Knife, here is what I would put in it: scepter, tiger, tiny gun, Lisa Frank art kit, boobs and/or tits, Guy Fieri.

OK, so,

The Last Supper

! It’s an unbelievably beautiful depiction of Jesus’s last moments of peace. HAHAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More like Gay-sus’s last gayments of GAY! Did you see how I just replaced all major syllables of what I just said with gay?! I did that to highlight the gay nature of the art!! YOU NAILED THAT, ED. [

Ed Hardy gives himself a high five and then sucks his own “peen.”

] Now, in my humble opinion (IHOP), this painting could use some awesomeness, like a naked chick with rainbows for mush-melons. Maybe some tie-dyed roses and pizzas? OR A P’ZONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING

BY JOHANNES VERMEER

More like

Girl With a Pearl Necklace

.* (*More like

Girl With the Lion Made out of Tigers

.**) (**Good one, Ed, lion made out of tigers, write that one down and use it for a future design.)

AN ED HARDY VELOUR TRACK SUIT

BY ED HARDY

This is art. Pure art. It looks like it was designed by a girl in seventh grade who likes stickers and got into her dad’s speedball kit.

NO. 5, 1948 BY JACKSON POLLOCK

This is a bunch of color swizzles. But some of the swizzles look like a neon skull on the crest of a tsunami made of blood diamonds, so in that way this painting is great!

THE SCREAM BY EDVARD MUNCH

Oh my God. An awesome joke when I was doing the Mona Lisa would have been “Mona Lisa Car,” like “Mona, lease a car.” Holy SHIT, ED, WRITE THAT DOWN!!!!!!!!!

AMERICAN GOTHIC BY GRANT WOOD

Slap me with a homing sausage and call me Susan B. Cameltoe, because literally this painting could not be worse or gayer. Two old men holding a gay little salad fork?!?! It makes me more barfaroni than my recent meal of nine Four Lokos, a Slim Jim (no homo), a long banana (no homo), and a meat lovers’ P’Zone (no homo). This is gayer than Gay Gay Milne.

GUERNICA BY PABLO PICASSO

Guys, I’m gay.