Oh, America. The land of dry desert, guns, corndogs, and bastardized spelling.Sarah Palin is a proud and devoted American—she only wants the finest racists to inhabit her country, and on CNN yesterday morning, she declared that "wonderful" Hispanic immigrants should "speak American." Now, my lovely Latino readers, you might be wondering what the hell "American" is. You thought they spoke English, right? Well, my friend, as a British Asian, I can confirm that American is an entirely different language.You might have plans to travel to America to settle down, get a job, fuel Chuck Woolery's retirement by purchasing catheters and appreciate Billy Crystal's engaging and provocative comedy. But Palin's announcement might have thrown you off. Unlike the United States, Britain is a kind, liberal nation, with universal healthcare in jeopardy and an inclination to stare ominously at every black and brown person we see. You must have heard by now that we're not letting any damn immigrants in, but we just love schooling America on how to be a better nation, and even more so, we love to ride on this smugness derived from the belief that we are a great nation.Read More: Shooting Guns With Ann Coulter
Luckily for you, us former colonizers know a thing or two about what constitutes the American language and today, for one time only, we are actually helping immigrants because we want you to cause Republican Americans more pain. With the assistance of some white British people, I have collated a translation of iconic quotes from the literary and political canon. No one wants to be a philistine, right? It's not as if beautifully written, rich literary works exist outside of the West, right?YOU can be the gringo that gringos want you to be and pass your immigration test with our handy guide to speaking American!Little Women
by Louisa May Alcott
Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.
Translation:
"Goddang it. Women are fucking bitches, all I do these days is play CoD and eat Hot Cheetos because they never appreciate me. They say no when they mean yes, and I'm sat here with a burning dick because I forgot to wash my hands before jerking it."Sarah Sahim
Great Expectations
by Charles Dickens
"I'll tell you," said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper, "what real love it. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter - as I did!"
Translation:
"I'mma let y'all know," she declared, in the same fast-talking vocal fried passionate whisper, "what real, honest-to-God, love is. Ross and Rachel."Michael Scarborough
The Importance of Being Earnest
by Oscar Wilde
You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
Translation:
"Shucks, y'all have filled my tea with lumps of high fructose corn syrup, and though I asked most distinctly for a gigantic, impossibly large Philly cheesesteak, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition n' shit, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, this is some bullshit."Euan L DavidsonRead More: A Comprehensive Guide to British Reality TV
Pamela; or, Virtue Rewarded
by Samuel Richardson
What the deuce do we men go to school for? If our wits were equal to women's, we might spare much time and pains in our education: for nature teaches your sex, what, in a long course of labour and study, ours can hardly attain to.
Translation:
"What do us guys go to school for? If we were as not smart as girls, we could just stay home and stuff so we didn't hurt our brains trying to get educated: because the bible says, and it's just how things are, that we're too goddang manly for those things. Now, where's my penis… I mean gun."Victoria Sanders
We Shall Fight on the Beaches
by Winston Churchill
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.
Translation:
"We shall do stuff until we get real tired, y'all. We shall fight in France where all those cheese eating surrender monkeys live, we shall fight with the surfer dudes on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with in the air, with all the confidence and strength of the mighty bald eagle (a truly American bird). We shall defend our mighty nation, whatever the cost may be. They will take my Twinkies from my cold dead hands, along with my clam bakes, and my Parcheesi and my very special episodes of Diff'rent Strokes. We won't surrender, because we are Americans and we don't do that shit, you know? So even, we totally like starving and shit because we had nothing left in our cupboards but some Goldfish crackers and week old White Castle sliders, then I know our brave Navy Seals would carry on the fight to defend those proud Stars and Stripes, the Red White and Blue, the Friday Night Lights, Tom Brady's right to run around a pitch with a deflated football and our God given right to put three different types of meat in every breakfast sandwich. U-S-A! U-S-A!"Christina McDermottThank me later, Palin! 