Quantcast
Illustration by Bandon Celi for VICE.

We Asked People to Sum Up Their Worst One-Night Stands in Six Words

Anna Goldfarb

Anna Goldfarb

"Skid marks on my new sheets."

Illustration by Bandon Celi for VICE.

In a perfect world, a one-night stand is a wild, fun evening with a sorta hot semi-stranger. There's no shortage of ways a one-night tryst can go sideways, though. We asked friends and co-workers to recall their most regrettable one-night stands in six words.

"$160 Uber ride I paid for." - Ray, 35

"Insane roommate chased us with gun." - Lynn, 46

"Skid marks on my new sheets." - Courtney, 38

"Lots of bite marks, didn't cum." - JD, 38

"Sex so bad we conversed during." - Drew, 28

"He insisted I pet his cat." - Coleen, 28

"Beer goggles were in full effect." - Mady, 35

"Dick was so tiny I laughed." - Janae, 23

"Walk of shame in foreign city." - Mandy, 35

"Only wanted a beating, no sex." - Melissa, 27

"Noticed post-coitus: two bikes, pink towel." - Melissa, 37

"Smeared period blood on his bedspread." - Marie, 24

"Fell asleep as he penetrated me." - Beth, 26

"Unfortunate blowjob surprise: Autobukkake is real." - Hezekiah, 31

"Scared by his baby tooth collection." - Trina, 28

"Set the pillows on fire. Literally. - Dory, 30

"Owned iguana. Lower back dreamcatcher tattoo." - Sam, 36

"Kept thanking me. Joked about Holocaust." - Nate, 23

Illustration by Brandon Celi for VICE

"He stole my favorite fancy shampoo." - Katie, 33

"Blasted Rammstein CD while we fucked." - Brenda, 36

"His girlfriend's call woke us up." - Mandy, 35

"Her drunk friend used the N-word." - James, 34

"Screamed 'Am I a whore!?!?!?' afterward." - Tim, 23

"Talked about Bible camp while cumming." - Julie, 29

"Pooped in her fancy hotel room." - Kevin, 26

"Unstable next-door neighbor. She moved." - Joe, 28

"Naked stranger. Cops pounding in door." - Winnie, 32

"Was pat on the head goodbye." - Kelly, 32

"He clipped his toenails right after." - Kelly, 23

"Too drunk. Don't remember it." - Alex, 38

"Forgot his name. Still don't know." - Carrie, 33

"Had Sublime poster on his wall." - Francesca, 29

"He puked on my favorite houseplant." - Lori, 26

"His cat peed on my new dress." - Shelly, 22

"Showed me his porn-inspired "artwork." - Lance, 28

Follow Anna Goldfarb on Twitter.