Tinder just got a little more stressful. The wildly popular dating app isn't content to grind just your photos into pulp for the meat market—now, it wants to do the same with your musical taste. Seemingly taking a tip from Raya—the "private, membership-based network" often referred to as "Tinder for celebrities"—Tinder recently partnered with Spotify to introduce a feature where you can select a song—or "Anthem"—to play when people visit your profile.
An advertisement for the partnership shows attractive 20-somethings in an office environment starting an impromptu rave to Anthems like "Candy" by Dillon Francis and "Made Me" by Britney Spears, painting a picture of a fantastical post-Silicon Valley workplace where the party never stops and your taste in music sparks conversations with that sexy stranger in the cubicle down the hall.
This bubbly dream is enticing. It's also deeply inaccurate. In reality, you will spend a lot of time on Tinder's Spotify widget trying to find a tune that triangulates the perfect balance of humor, wokeness, and taste. You'll second guess your choice, change it often, and feel—on balance—more anxious than before.
The good news is that everyone else will, too. You'll have hours of fun with your friends laughing at the ill-conceived Anthems of strangers, while unseen others laugh at you. Eventually, patterns will emerge from the seas of flesh you're sifting through. Like photos of tigers, certain songs will begin to feel predictive of certain categories of people. Here are a few of the male archetypes we expect you'll encounter on your erotic voyage through Spotify-enabled Tinder.
The Soundcloud Trap Brunch Schmoozer
So many popular electronic acts in 2016 follow in the footsteps of early 10s producers like James Blake, Flying Lotus, and XXYYXX, scoring monster hits with the same palette of pitch-shifted vocals and swampy "wah-wah-wah" synths that soundtracked your sophomore roommate's Volcano Vape sessions in 2011. As the newfound lingua franca of advanced basics, these Mad Decent Block Party-ready tunes make for ideal Tinder Anthems.
Expect a dude in this vein to rock a wide-brim floppy hat, Ray-Bans, distressed Topman denim, and Yeezys. He'll chat you up over bottomless mimosas and farm-to-table huevos rancheros about the "next-level graphic design projects" and "dope event series" he's involved in, and he describes any experience more exotic than a dentist's visit by telling you that "shit got weird." He's not the sharpest knife in the box, but you could do worse.
The S&M Design Freak
If you encounter a certain brand of arch, cerebral ambient electronica on Tinder, know that you're in for a tryst with the type of male who maintains a spotless SoHo loft full of minimalist ovular furniture, abstract lamps, architectural coffee-table books, and random Margiela knick-knacks. First he'll serve you a single piece of salmon; then you'll be whisked off to the bedroom for an erotic candlewax-dripping session sound-tracked by Tim Hecker, Ben Frost and Andy Stott. Tread carefully—if you spill bodily fluids on his white sheepskin throw pillow, he will kick you out.
The Edgy Comedian
What's that smell? It's the harsh odor of a brand new style of white-guy parody rap—think Weird Al meets Lonely Island, seasoned with more than a hint of clenched-fist Gamergate rage. Lil Dicky and his rabid fandom paved the way, and a fleet of 4Chan-fluent young edgelords are rising in his wake. Benjamin Franklin's advice—"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"—is the best defense here. For example, a trained eye can tell a lot about the kind of individual who would choose "Dicks Out For Harambe"—a trop-pop tune by 18-year-old newcomer Rockie Gold that's currently perched on top of Spotify's Viral 50 chart—as his Anthem.
Will this guy have a playful sense of humor? Probably not in the way you might hope: the song's lyrics carry murky political undertones, including references to controversial alt-right figures like Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos. The dude bumping this Anthem is an unemployed basement-dweller with a parentally-funded Steam account who's going to spend the date alternating between Red Pill-sourced negging tactics and muttering in your ear about Zionists, Lena Dunham, the Bilderberg Group, and Hillary Clinton's health. Don't expect great sex—he's a virgin.
The Globetrotting Oasis Finder
The world is a fragrant mystery for The Globetrotting Oasis Finder. Dressed in loose cloth pants and a quilted vest, this dude gravitates to house music overflowing with hand-drums, sitar, thumping Playa-ready bass lines and vaguely foreign vocal samples. He's a coder at a food-delivery start-up who casually drops words like "Marrakech," "caravan" and "polyamorous." Pack your toothbrush for this date, because you'll certainly be swept away on a whirlwind adventure by an enigmatic stranger consumed with wanderlust—or, at the very least, with a groovy tapestry in his apartment.
The Coldplay (Tech House Remix) Fitness Warrior
This 34-year-old dude's profile features pictures of him on top of a mountain or surrounded by African kids, as well as a list of the cities where he's lived (which inevitably includes "Philly"). This guy is by no means an electronic music expert; rather, he needs some extra juice for his Crossfit class, and pulsing Coldplay remixes from the biggest names on Beatport offer just the ticket. His whole lifestyle is about results—he works in finance, drives an Audi, chugs fish oil, employs the #gymflow hashtag, knows his own blood type, and "isn't just there for the hookup." In fact, he desperately wants to get married. He may be Marco Rubio in disguise. Not for the faint of heart.