We owe an apology of sorts to the AFC South. Halfway through the season we decided that it was the laughing stock of NFL divisions, and it turned out the real joke appeared on TV every week—literally. The NFC East is on national television every week despite every team in it being terrible.Monday night's game between Dallas and Washington was one of the ugliest of the season—a great game for the purposes of defensive line purists, I suppose. But other than that, the only winner was the American public when kicker Dan Bailey ensured the game wouldn't go to overtime. Watching these two offenses attempt to score for three quarters was sad. Almost as sad as knowing that one of these teams still may make the playoffs.
So let's bring back Lionel Hutz and let him talk up these four teams. One of which, I repeat, is absolutely going to be in the playoffs. It's written into the rules and everything.
WASHINGTON 5-7The Truth (shakes head): Washington's offense has been utterly incompetent, and the only teams they've been able to exploit are ones as bad as they are. (New Orleans and the Giants come to mind.) Kirk Cousins is what you get when you cross Brett Favre's instincts with a game manager's talents, which can often lead to two interceptions in even the easiest of environments. Alfred Morris is the team's best running back but they refuse to use him. The middle of this defense is paper mache. At times in Monday night's broadcast, facial closeups on Jay Gruden actually seemed to have him considering his own mortality.The Truth (smiles and nods): Washington has the easiest remaining schedule in the division by virtue of playing two other NFC East teams and the Bears. DeSean Jackson's health matters when he's not running backwards 20 yards and fumbling games away on punt returns. You can argue that Jackson, Pierre Garcon, and Jordan Reed make up the deepest receiving corps in the division. By defensive DVOA, they've been at 0.0% or under in four of their past five games, with only Carolina exploiting them.PHILADELPHIA 5-7The Truth (shakes head): If the Eagles can get two special teams touchdowns and a pick-six in every game remaining this season, they'll be hard to stop. This offense, slapped together out of Chip Kelly hubris, known failures, and DeMarco Murray, is one of the saddest things in the NFL. Sam Bradford is Chip's Danny Wuerffel, and they're going down in a sea of failed passes targeting NFL washouts and future NFL washouts. The offensive line—the strength of this team as recently as 2013—is depleted, banged up, and can't generate much movement. The defense has been shredded two of the last three weeks, and the other game involved the words "No. 1 wideout Danny Amendola." The Eagles have the toughest remaining NFC East schedule by virtue of a game against the Cardinals.
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The Truth (smiles and nods): Philadelphia's defense is, far and away, the most competent unit in the entire division. It's the only one that's top-10 in DVOA. Defensive lineman Fletcher Cox is a beast and the edge rushers have done just enough to be good. In theory, scaling back the offense and letting Murray focus on pounding the rock between the tackles is as effective as anything else this division has to offer on offense. The return of Ryan Mathews may boost this team's productivity on that side of the ball as well.
Eli face. Photo by Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports
NEW YORK GIANTS 5-7The Truth (shakes head): It's one thing to be aware that the NFL has a concussion problem, and it's another to become Shouty Twitter Guy Who Denounces Any NFL News On His Feed Because Concussions.The Giants are the team that Shouty Twitter Guy believes exists everywhere. Nobody on this roster is spared from injuries. Their offensive line is down to players off the street, Jason Pierre-Paul is literally playing with one hand. Odell Beckham seems to be perpetually dealing with a hamstring issue. Given the chance to seize this division, the Giants have lost 4 of 5. They allowed approximately 8,000 passing yards to Drew Brees. They didn't even fulfil their known destiny as Patriot Slayers.Also, this defense is preposterously bad. Outside of their yearly ownership of Bill Belichick's offense, the last time they had a negative passing defense DVOA against a non-Brandon Weeden-led team was Week 4.The Truth (smiles and nods): Eli Manning is the best healthy quarterback in the division. In theory, this means they have the best passing attack in the division. Shane Vereen, Beckham, and Rueben Randle should be plenty to move the ball. This team is incapable of running the ball, especially with the recent injuries to their linemen, but maybe things can only go up from here. And, uh … well, nobody said this column was easy to write.DALLAS 4-8The Truth (shakes head): This team is a high-volume exporter of Johnny Manziel trade rumors and Dez Bryant tantrums on the sidelines. That is not a compliment. A defense that looked promising last season has fallen on hard times. Greg Hardy is here, in case you needed a reason to root against them. The only positive breaks the Cowboys have had are La'El Collins and Darren McFadden. Matt Cassel plays quarterback like a substitute teacher who is here to call roll and turn on movies. They've got three games left against non-NFC East opponents, and might be more in the running for a top-five pick at this point than a playoff spot.The Truth (smiles and nods): Dallas' defense has been much better since Week 8. In fact, they've strung together negative defensive DVOA games in five of the last six weeks. One could argue that they're the hottest defense in the division with a straight face. They can throw at Dez Bryant. The offensive line is mostly good. Maybe Matt Cassel will get replaced by someone who can throw. Life is full of infinite possibilities.
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WASHINGTON 5-7The Truth (shakes head): Washington's offense has been utterly incompetent, and the only teams they've been able to exploit are ones as bad as they are. (New Orleans and the Giants come to mind.) Kirk Cousins is what you get when you cross Brett Favre's instincts with a game manager's talents, which can often lead to two interceptions in even the easiest of environments. Alfred Morris is the team's best running back but they refuse to use him. The middle of this defense is paper mache. At times in Monday night's broadcast, facial closeups on Jay Gruden actually seemed to have him considering his own mortality.The Truth (smiles and nods): Washington has the easiest remaining schedule in the division by virtue of playing two other NFC East teams and the Bears. DeSean Jackson's health matters when he's not running backwards 20 yards and fumbling games away on punt returns. You can argue that Jackson, Pierre Garcon, and Jordan Reed make up the deepest receiving corps in the division. By defensive DVOA, they've been at 0.0% or under in four of their past five games, with only Carolina exploiting them.PHILADELPHIA 5-7The Truth (shakes head): If the Eagles can get two special teams touchdowns and a pick-six in every game remaining this season, they'll be hard to stop. This offense, slapped together out of Chip Kelly hubris, known failures, and DeMarco Murray, is one of the saddest things in the NFL. Sam Bradford is Chip's Danny Wuerffel, and they're going down in a sea of failed passes targeting NFL washouts and future NFL washouts. The offensive line—the strength of this team as recently as 2013—is depleted, banged up, and can't generate much movement. The defense has been shredded two of the last three weeks, and the other game involved the words "No. 1 wideout Danny Amendola." The Eagles have the toughest remaining NFC East schedule by virtue of a game against the Cardinals.The Truth (smiles and nods): Philadelphia's defense is, far and away, the most competent unit in the entire division. It's the only one that's top-10 in DVOA. Defensive lineman Fletcher Cox is a beast and the edge rushers have done just enough to be good. In theory, scaling back the offense and letting Murray focus on pounding the rock between the tackles is as effective as anything else this division has to offer on offense. The return of Ryan Mathews may boost this team's productivity on that side of the ball as well.