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Pornhub Created Graphs Comparing the Masturbation Habits of Americans and Russians

Do good ol' American boys take longer to jizz than Putin's cronies?

by Ezra Marcus
Jun 1 2014, 3:15pm

Photo courtesy of USA George

This could be the last summer. Bees are dying, ice caps are melting, there’s a Dunkin Donuts in Williamsburg. Oh, and the US and Russia might start the second Cold War. Time for the global village to band together and pump the brakes? Not likely, considering we’re busy pumping our private parts at home.

In the face of inscrutable military-industrial agendas, porn offers some kind of logic. I’ll never understand troop movements in Crimea, but I definitely know what to do with my boner once I get online. According to a series of charts compiled by the eggheads (dickheads?) at Pornhub Insights, the smut peddlers’ data analysis department, Russians are (mostly) just like us. Cultural geography produces intriguing local fetishes, but at the end of the day, we’re all repressed perverts beating our meat like dogs in heat.

These charts will either prove we're better at busting nuts than Putin's cronies or help us set aside our differences and agree that Russia is too jam-packed with boobs, butts, and cock-hungry MILFs to reduce it to rubble. Let's find out! 

Graphs courtesy of Pornhub

Putin spent the last decade ramping up jingoism and openly icing opposition leaders while framing himself as a whale-hunting neo-Czar, a sculpted alternative to the West’s flabby Merkels and Cheneys—and it worked. His Crimean war games united the country against the finger-wagging West. As always, the political is personal, and Soviet pride extends below the belt. Who needs American resources when you have Russian mom anal? It’s masturbation as empire-building. Mother Russia, indeed.

America is less monolithic—the melting pot is full of cum. Our search terms read like an ethnography of a Disney show, with multiple races, four jobs, and wacky family dynamics. God bless the free market. In America you have the right—no, the responsibility—to imagine yourself landing a massive creampie in your 18-year-old step-sister’s anus while a hentai yoga teacher massages her squirting babysitter. In public. 

Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly, start your engines—Americans last longer than Russians. Yup, it takes us over a minute more than the commies to crank off. Does this mean we’re better at sex? Yes. Or maybe we’re numb to sensation, eros dulled by an endless trough of media content. Our minds wander as we sweat and hunch over our iPads like monks with scripture. The likeliest scenario: Americans are so fat that we waste over a minute searching for our genitals. Whatever. A win’s a win.

“Ahhhhh!!! The Mondays!!! After another hedonistic weekend watchin’ ball and poundin’ local craft ale, do I really have to go back to the freakin’ office? Darrel’s gonna chew me out over the Simmons account. Might as well slip into the janitor's closet, fire up my Samsung Nexus, and bust one to Yoga Cum Sluts 4.”

“I am a Russian male. I work seven days of week. No day is the wrong day to watch Russian mom anal.”

Erm, awkward. Americans are nearly three times as likely to baste our turkeys to Russian porn as they are to bust a nut over our smut. It’s pervy espionage. The Spy Who Cums in from the Cold, if you will. Then again, what exactly is American porn? We’re everything and nothing. Searching “American porn” is like searching “dope Yeezy Red Octobers.” It's redundant.

This graph is a bit tricky—it lists the terms searched with the highest relative density in each country, a metric of our most unique kinks. The uncanny appeal of celebrity sex tapes is lost on Russians who are too busy offering their seeds to the motherland. We’re on some equally weird shit: Oedipal repression, colonial fetishism, and the arcane mysteries of yoga inflame our loins with the heat of a thousand suns. Oh. And college. We LOVE college.

You crazy for this one, Pornhub! Seriously, your stats team makes Nate Silver look like Hodor. This graph illustrates porn consumption during the US vs. Russia Olympic hockey match, a game fraught with socio-political significance—for the Russians, at least. About 10 percent of the country’s Pornhub watchers dropped their cocks long enough to grab foam fingers and vuvuzelas to cheer on their boys. Then they lost, and within 20 minutes traffic rose to about 10 percent higher than it is on an average day. Millions of Russians consoled themselves after a hockey loss with a collective wank. Sports are the world’s most obvious metaphor for war. Imagine that bell curve after we flatten Moscow. Go team!!!

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