One of the best things about being rich and famous is that you can afford to take out insurance on any body part—your tits, your legs, your butt, or even your middle finger. Whatever you consider to be your strongest asset, no matter how delusional you might actually be, you can secure it for insane amounts of money like it’s no big deal. But now that luxury has become available to the peasants, as Undz, the Montreal-based underwear label, is now offering penis-insurance to all the men out there who are worried about losing their li'l guys in the sort of debilitating accident that generally happens only to people who were already destined to fail as human beings anyway.
Starting March 15, by buying three pairs of underwear from the Undz online store, dudes will be able to walk away with a $50,000 cert-dick-ficate from Lloyd’s of London, the go-to insurance company for stars who think they're so fine, they’d probably kill themselves if anything happened to their moneymakers. Although we’re not sure which famous womb raiders they’ve insured over the years, we do know that superstar-owned whang insurance is fairly common. The most famous of insured privates belongs to David Lee Roth, former 80s heartthrob turned Crypt Keeper whose sperm is of use only if you want your baby to be impervious to drug overdose or capable of really impressive high kicks. In our opinion, he doesn’t have terribly impressive genes, but maybe there is some great undiscovered talent out there the world doesn’t know about that needs saving—Dost thou hold the Holy Grail of secrets within thy penis? Pray tell, young swains!
Thanks to Undz, we are giving away insurance and three pairs of really fucking cool underwear to one lucky VICE reader who needs insurance for his manhood. (Warning: You must lose your member in some kind of accident in order to receive a payout. Lorena Bobbitt–type situations and self-castration are not covered!)
All you have to do is email email@example.com with three short bullet points as to why you deserve to have your dick preserved for all eternity, and maybe we’ll pick you!
All entries must be received by Sunday, March 16, in order to qualify. On Monday, March 17, we’ll be posting the winner of our contest.
Note: Chicks telling you you’re good in bed doesn’t count because women lie. Also, no gnarly dick pics from Craigslist, please. Reverse-image search was basically invented for pervs like us, and we won’t hesitate to put you on blast just for being a sneaky freak.