Reasons Why Copenhagen Is The Worst Place Ever

Sure, Copenhagen is the capital of what’s considered the world’s happiest country, but you should know, that we Danes chug down more anti depressants than almost any other nation on earth. Don’t judge us until you’ve been here though. I’ve lived in Copenhagen for a while now, and I must say, that spending every day coping with the endless tide of bearded, elitist, single-speed bikers inhabiting the most pretentious village in the world kind of makes Copenhagen seem like a terrible provincial shit hole. If that doesn’t make you want to reach for the nearest bottle of Lexapro, the following Copenhagen traits probably will.

NEW NORDIC CUISINE

We are very proud of Restaurant Noma and how it has forced us Danes out of our glutinous culinary comfort zone. Its cooking techniques have secured Copenhagen the honor of being dubbed the gastronomic center of the world. The movement, dubbed New Nordic, has been racking up all manner of Michelin stars these past few years. They're claiming to reinvent Scandinavian cooking by focusing on our local delicacies -  namely forest ants, fish sperm and basically whatever you find lying around because, you know, it’s local. The only drawback being that every corner restaurant suddenly went foraging for Nordic specialties, making it kind of difficult to order a meal without a side of sustainably grown daisies arranged atop a bed of Hareskoven moss. What ever happened to fries?

THE FREETOWN OF CHRISTIANIA

Just south of the Danish parliament lies the self-proclaimed freetown of Christiania, which is really more of a total dump full of unwashed freeloaders than any sort of town. It didn’t use to be like that though. I’m sure once upon a time it used to be a hippy community fueled by genuine ideals of caring for one another, but that changed in the new millennium, what with all the police raids and the clearing of Pusher Street. Nowadays, Copenhagen’s pot-loving clientele have to elbow their way past the ever-increasing crowds of backpackers, all trying to snap a covert photo. They’ve effectively replaced most of the real Christianites, with pushers and posers who claim to oppose the man, but really just want to use the country’s infrastructure free of charge. I suspect most of their profits come from peddling the surprisingly popular Conserve Christiania hoodies to suburban tweens, whose passion for the place is only exceeded by their love of Scandinavian reggae. They’re usually the ones shouting fascist when you point out how much the place has become the Disney World of weed.

SCIENTOLOGY

Taking advantage of the ever liberal Danes, The Church of Scientology have set up their European flagship church in downtown Copenhagen. They’ve gathered around 500 Danish followers, which is really quite impressive considering the ridiculousness of it all. There’s not much more to it, it just sucks to live in the Scientology capital of Europe. Plus we have to dwell in constant fear of Tom Cruise popping by.

Photo via Wikicommons

THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE

I can’t think of any reason to visit the city. The weather’s shit and there really aren’t any sights worth the trip. The most visited of the non-attractions is our dwarf-sized equivalent of the Statue of Liberty - The Little Mermaid. It must hold some sort of Shangri La type status in Asia, because they keep sending busload after busload of fairytale loving folks to see the thing - all taking disappointing pictures with their spiffy iPads. I don’t get it. Every couple of years, hoodlums decapitate the statue for fun. Perhaps we should leave it that way.

DICKS IN DISGUISE

In general, Copenhagener's tend to dress nicer and neater than most other urban dwellers. This makes it exceptionally difficult to spot the douchebags, seeing that everyone’s wearing the same camouflage of pretentious beards, sneakers and Ray-Bans. As a paradoxical result, you’ll actually have to engage with people in order to find out who to avoid, namely the multitude of self-centered, libertine brats who are holiday moonlighting as bi-sexuals so as to further their slam poetry career. You can dodge most of them by staying clear of the meat packing district, though.

SIZE MATTERS

Living in an inbred village means that pretty much everyone knows everyone, which has made the Danes particularly closed off and suspicious of one another - probably due to the genuine risk of everyone you meet having screwed someone you know and/or love.

Photo via Wikicommons

TIVOLI

In the heart of the city, you find the amusement park Tivoli. It’s the only place in town combining good old family-friendly entertainment, slot machine parlors and stereotypical depictions of the far corners of the world. It’s where you go on summer weekends to teach your kids how to gamble at different carny stalls, ride petty roller coasters  and enjoy gag reflex amounts of kitsch nostalgia. It’s a beautifully Danish theme park, where the Danish People's Party have previously come to hold their aryan luncheons, and we can celebrate our Danish heritage by taking the H.C. Andersen ride. It's really quite lovely, if you can look beyond the stench of candy floss and preteen vomit.

SO DOES MONEY

Everything is outrageously expensive in Denmark and particularly in Copenhagen. We know, so you can stop telling us. You can’t even go to McDonalds without people moaning about how it costs three times less abroad, and how they’re tired of giving tax daddy half of their salary. It’s bad enough that we all have to deal with it without all the complaining. Restaurants will always charge you 2 pounds for tap water, and a single bus fare will always be priced far too high. It is, what it is. Just take solace in the fact that you don’t live in Norway.

GAMMELTORV / VESTERGADE

This strip of bars with nationalist names like The Goldhorns and The Mermaid attracts the, hands down, worst crowd in Copenhagen. Consisting primarily of guys with frosted tips and Louis Vuitton keychains hunting down scantily clad Oompa-Loompa look-a-like ladies . These chlamydia warriors put up with arbitrary coat-check policies as long as they get their ten shots of Fisk for 100 kr. They’re basically the sole reason things like Rasmus Seebach, Joe and the Juice and Michael Bay movies exist.

DRUNK(S) IN THE STREETS

One of the nice things about Copenhagen is that you can pretty much get pissed anywhere you want without having to hide the goods in brown paper bags. However, this also brings out the conversational old alcoholics that lurk around every corner. You better have a strategy ready to avoid being locked into lengthly conversations with the sad old buggers. Personally, I can recommend pre-emptively agreeing with them about the system, which seems to earn their respect in no time.

Yet despite all this, we still chose to live here, and I’ll probably continue to do so for most of my life. Mostly because of the variety of delicious pork based dishes and the proximity to the airport.

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