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The VICE Guide to the 2016 Election

The Human Suit Malfunctions of the 2016 Party Conventions

Nobody's perfect. Not even the reptilians who control society.

by Mike Pearl
Jul 28 2016, 4:00am

Presidential elections are, I'm sure you'll agree, a choice between the lesser of two evils. Specifically, the lesser of two evil, shapeshifting, lizard cyborgs.

When our overlords and their lesser minions hide away in their refuges on the dark side of the moon, or indulge in their annual secret bacchanalia at Bohemian Grove, they don't worry about their skin suits misfiring. But election years require the creatures to stand in front of crowds and on live TV, where the risk is much greater that they might accidentally slip up and let a few words of Reptilese get picked up by a live microphone.

We covered this once before, back when the election was just getting started. A handful of debates had revealed a few cracks in the candidates' disguises at the time. But over the past two weeks at the conventions of the two main parties, anyone awake to what's really going on could see the fallibility of the human suit technology on display.


The most telling slips came from supporters, not the candidates themselves. Melania Trump famously caused some problems on July 18 when she attempted to deliver a standard issue convention speech about her human reproductive partner, Donald Trump. An antenna slipped out of position and picked up interference from a rebroadcast of a speech by Michelle Obama, and she recited some of it verbatim.

But the glitch in Melania Trump's hardware wasn't unique to the Republican convention. Instead of a political speech, on July 25, Senator Bob Casey, vocalizing at a disturbing, robotic pace, regurgitated the text of an unknown human fifth grader's school report on the state of Pennsylvania, including the word "quote" whenever the text had a quotation mark in it. After 40 seconds, Casey realized his mistake and awkwardly shoehorned Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump into the paper, but his secret was already out.


The following day, Meryl Streep delivered a rousing, female-empowering piece of oratory. However, right when she took the stage, Streep meant to belt out a war cry, and instead cranked the knob too far and dialed in to the frequency that summons vampire bats. Fortunately, she was speaking indoors.

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has already been criticized by reliable sources for throwing up Masonic hand signals during his 15 minute prolonged scream on July 19, in which he called for the "unconditional" defeat of all Islamic terrorists.

Openly using the sign language of his real species seems like a dumb reptile strategy, though. Giuliani just looks like he misjudged the size of his human form. His motions are like those of someone who has been shrunk to the size of a raisin, trying to gesture and yell loud enough to keep a normal-size person from eating them. A few minor adjustments should fix that.

Similar claims have been made about the masonic gesturing of RNC speaker Michelle Van Etten, an employee of a company called Youngevity that markets pills, including some endorsed by Alex Jones (maybe as a kind of false flag).

Van Etten spoke on July 20—the anniversary of NASA's make-believe moon landing—about Donald Trump keeping nasty regulations away from her business, which is essentially a pyramid scheme—the Illuminati's favorite kind of scheme. Who can blame Van Etten for celebrating her good fortune by wearing a traditional reptilian cape onstage and broadcasting her gratitude to her home world during her very, very entertaining speech?

Gestures like Van Etten's have been the easiest way to spot reptiles at these conventions. Talk radio host Laura Ingraham did this with her arm at the end of her speech on July 20:

It was at least momentarily the same straight-arm gesture used by the Italian fascists, Nazis, Romans, and the Queen of England. But she cycled through several other gestures right after. Something about the roar of these huge crowds after a speech causes many political speakers to short circuit and move in unpredictable ways.

The most famous end-of-speech glitch of this kind happened when Vermont governor Howard Dean was running for president in 2004, but then he waved his arms around, yelled the names of a bunch of states, and went "Ngaaagh!" and had to stop running for president because it weirded everyone out.

So on July 26, Dean spoke at the Democratic convention, and this time he flailed his arms and yelled the names of states again. But he left off the "Ngaaagh!"

To be clear, the moment wasn't a slip of Dean's human suit. It was a sort of meta-slip. It referenced a past slip, but Dean was ostensibly still in character, making the moment much creepier.

But the creepiest thing at the Democrats' convention so far was this musical number, in which a bunch of the computerized faces from movies and television were animated to look like they were singing a version of Rachel Platten's "Fight Song," modified to be about Hillary Clinton.


The Democrats' mistake was in thinking CG effects are far enough along to make a video like this look realistic enough to escape the uncanny valley. Soon maybe. But for now this kind of animation is still very, very, unsettling.

And speaking of the uncanny valley, Hillary Clinton will be speaking on Thursday night. Will she accidentally call for God to bless the people of "Sol III" instead of America? Will the wrong SD card be inserted into her speech module, causing her to reveal the details of the reptilian plot to murder Vince Foster? We'll just have to wait and see!

Follow Mike Pearl on Twitter.

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