Everything and Everyone You Should Know in Turnbull's New Ministry

Australia has a new front bench. And although it looks almost exactly like the old front bench, some very important changes have been made.

The swearing-in ceremony took place early Tuesday, and it was once again a great opportunity to find out MPs middle names. There's Malcolm "Bligh" Turnbull, Fiona "Joy" Nash, Mathias "Jobsandgrowth" Cormann, Peter "Oberstgruppenführer" Dutton, and Christopher "Christopher Pyne" Pyne.

First, the big notes: Turnbull resisted calls from the conservative wing of the party to give a ministry to Tony Abbott, and Abbott remains on the back bench. Meanwhile, Senator Richard Colbeck lost his portfolios due to the fact that nobody knows if he's actually been re-elected or not. And with 26-year-old MP Wyatt Roy losing his seat of Longman, Turnbull now has no Minister for Partying Down.

So what are the key appointments we need to know about?

Environment and Energy: Josh Frydenberg

Environmental groups have been keen to see the back of Environment Minister Greg Hunt, but if years of obvious storytelling have taught us anything, it's to be careful what you wish for. Hunt has been replaced by Josh Frydenberg. Once praised by Andrew Bolt as the "new Mr Coal", Frydenberg is a huge proponent of mining, and considers it the future of energy production in this country. But the only way this makes more is if Frydenberg is ageing backwards, a la Benjamin Button. Having examined photos of Frydenberg, we're not convinced.

"Resources is to the Australian economy what the baggy green is to Australian sport: totemic; iconic; indispensable to our national story and synonymous with our national identity," he once said. Anyone hoping that combining Environment and Energy into the one portfolio would signal a move to renewable energy can now be considered a traitor to our national identity.

Turnbull has been criticised for making no movement on climate change since he karate chopped his way into office last year, but this definitely signals a new direction: Turnbull is willing to take action on climate change, just not necessarily from the "stop it from happening" angle.

Minister for Industry, Innovation and Science: Greg Hunt

With Hunt out of the environment portfolio, he is now in charge of industry, innovation and science. Industry? Sure. Innovation? Why not. Science? Uhhh…

As environment minister, Hunt closed down the Climate Commission, announced plans to dredge Abbot Point, approved "ecological thinning" trials in a Murray River national park, and denied human-created carbon emissions contribute to climate change. So really, this is exactly the guy you want in charge of science.

Yes, he was awarded Best Minister in the World in Dubai for his work on climate change, but he received this award from the United Arab Emirates, which is the world's 6th highest producer of oil. That's kind of like xenomorphs awarding you Best Minister in the World for Maintaining Durable Human Rib Cages.

Defence Industry: Christopher Pyne

When I was in Adelaide during the election, there were signs up everywhere that were literally just pictures of submarines with "Malcolm Turnbull's Liberal Team" written underneath.

Although the submarines themselves remain on the back bench, Christopher Pyne has had to step up in their place, awarded an entirely new portfolio clearly designed to hold on to South Australian votes. With increasing pressure from the minor parties, particularly the Nick Xenophon Team, the LNP is carefully considering the next federal election, which won't be until at least September, probably.

As Minister for Defence Industry, Pyne will be personally responsible for building all the new subs. This will reduce the role of Defence Minister Marise Payne, who has been criticised for being an absent figure during the past few years.

Will Pyne's new role create conflict with Payne? Those portfolios are awfully close, after all. If so, we hope any potential conflict doesn't interfere with the chores schedule. See, Pyne and Payne actually share a flat together in Canberra, one that must surely be the most heavily-fortified unit in the city. You gotta dress the part, you know.

Although we're not privy to their daily lives, it's safe to assume that Pyne is 100% the Felix of this relationship. Or, you know, the Monica if you were born after 1990.

Minister for Small Business: Michael McCormack

The Nationals did very well in the election, and have been rewarded with the coveted Small Business portfolio. Michael McCormack, the former Assistant Minister for Defence, will be stepping into the role. McCormack nearly made a name for himself a few months ago when it was rumoured he'd be challenging Barnaby Joyce for the Nationals leadership.

This promotion should give McCormack a bigger microphone, and there are few MPs who will be more entertaining. When Abbott awarded a knighthood to Prince Philip last year, McCormack complained, saying the then-PM should pay less attention to "the texting, latte-sipping, keyboard warriors who frequent the tapas bars of Sydney and Melbourne". He's right. Those lefty tapas texters were definitely the ones pushing for woke millennial pin-up Prince Philip to get a knighthood.

When Abbott phoned McCormack to ask that he put a lid on it, McCormack reportedly responded: "You should be more worried about backgrounding by anonymous 'rising stars' on the Liberal backbench. At least you know I'll put my name to it."

In other words, set a Google news alert for "Michael McCormack" for the next three years.

Minister for Revenue and Financial Services: Kelly O'Dwyer

Kelly O'Dwyer, the former Minister for Small Business, moves to Revenue and Financial Services.

Although O'Dwyer ended up winning her seat of Higgins by a not-uncomfortable margin, she still faced a real threat from Greens candidate Jason Ball. Given she's now in the seat once held by Treasurer Peter Costello, this could be a way of winning back fiscally-conservative swing voters by subliminally linking Costello and O'Dwyer via their cashmoney portfolios.

On the other hand, giving Kelly O'Dwyer – the MP whose biggest soundbyte of the election concerned a $6000 toaster – a financial services portfolio could also be A-grade trolling on Turnbull's part. There's really no way to know just yet.

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