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The Recent Unpleasantness

Reality Quiz

Greetings! In light of this week's election, your local GOP committee is sending out this quiz to gauge our party's commitment to reality. As a registered Republican, your input is crucial to determining future party direction. Remember, there are no...

by Sam McPheeters
Nov 9 2012, 4:55pm

"This might be a good time for Republicans to redouble their commitment to the reality-based community." - David Brooks, NY Times, 11/7/12

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Greetings! In light of this week's election, your local GOP committee is sending out this quiz to gauge our party's commitment to reality. As a registered Republican, your input is crucial to determining future party direction. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers!

A. THE LATINO VOTE...

1: Is something we'll need to earn in the next election cycle.

2: Is a fad.

3: Wouldn't be an issue if Eisenhower had built that wall.

4: Is an anagram for "Vain Tootle." Case closed.

B. REPUBLICANS LOST WOMEN VOTERS BECAUSE...

1: The GOP talked about rape too much.

2: The GOP didn't talk about rape enough.

3: The GOP forgot to rewrite the Wikipedia entry for the 19th amendment.

4: They just kept shrieking and shrieking.

C. THE TEA PARTY...

1: Limited the options of Republican candidates.

2: Should be honored for their pep and zing.

3: Will have to work like the A-Team now that the Constitution has been suspended.

4: Actually won a majority in both things of Congress. Media? Hello??

D. HURRICANE SANDY WAS...

1: A national tragedy best kept out of politics.

2: A convenient showcase for hyping big government.

3: Known about for months, or years, in advance.

4: A good use of CGI. Not great. But good.

E. THE FISCAL CLIFF IS....

1: Something both parties must avoid at all costs.

2: 100 percent on the Democrats now.

3: A mighty paddle with which America must be spanked.

4: A secret location where all the military ballots were tossed.

F. STEVEN SPIELBERG'S "LINCOLN" OPENS TODAY. I WILL...

1: See it, to remind myself of past Republican glory.

2: Avoid it, for portraying a Republican election victory as divisive.

3: Boycott it, for portraying the South as having lost the war.

4: Dress as it and picket Rite Aid for selling condoms.

G. THE PRESIDENT...

1: Ran a disciplined campaign.

2: Bribed Americans with their own money.

3: Bribed Americans with phones, rims, and Boost Mobile gift minutes.

4: Lost the popular vote, and thus has no mandate and must live in a hotel.

H. THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE....

1: Is a relic that gives uneven power to a handful of states.

2: Makes us a joke to the rest of the world, something I now care deeply about.

3: Is a perfect example of how higher education breeds elitism.

4: Would never have happened under Reagan.

I. GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE....

1: Did what he needed to do to protect his state during a disaster.

2: Made a huge tactical error by snubbing his party's candidate.

3: Should go blind, but slowly, through gonorrhea, or maggots.

4: Is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

J. I AM....

1: Sad, shaken, but still thankful for all that I have.

2: Stocking up on canned ham and ammo. You know the drill.

3: Talking with some Greek guys about starting a chapter of Golden Dawn.

4: Just grateful that Romney won.

SCORING: Give yourself one point for every number selected.

10-19: Only a hippie thinks there are no right or wrong answers on a quiz. Enjoy the Kool-Aid. Have a groovy trip. Not.

20-29: With a serious red meat injection, you may just work out.

30-40: Reality is a construct. We built it. Shun your Democrat friends and family, roll up your sleeves, and get to work on the 2015 elections. Your party needs you.

Previously - Yelping Halloween

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