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Sports

Hey Idiot! Watch Barcelona-Real Madrid on Saturday

Here's a conversation I had with someone who doesn't exist that will make you realize you must watch soccer this weekend.

Barcelona and Real Madrid play each other this Saturday at 2 PM eastern. Those are soccer teams, comprised of most of the best players in the world. It’s also the best rivalry in the sport and this specific game could decide the Spanish league title. Should you watch? Being that I’m not you and therefore won’t/can’t make decisions for you, I don’t know. Instead, I had a conversation with someone who doesn’t exist. Maybe that’ll help.

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My Saturday afternoons are usually spent doing something best described as "not watching soccer." I can't go into any more detail than that, because, well yeah. You get it. Why shouldn't I do the same thing this weekend?
Well, I’m sure whatever it is you do is really fulfilling/not at all possibly criminal, but these are the two best soccer teams in the world and are worth watching in the same way as a Yankees-Red Sox ALCS or Capulet-Montague shiv-fight. The rivalry, El Clasico, dates back to the Spanish Civil War, and the two clubs have won the past seven Spanish league titles. Real Madrid has stumbled a bit recently, and now only lead Barca on the season by four points. With three points at stake, a Madrid win could wrap up the title, while a Barca victory would put them one more Madrid slip-up from the top spot with four games to play. Spanish soccer doesn’t have playoffs, which, I know! It’s really bizarre that a professional sports league wouldn’t decide its champion with a completely random, totally arbitrary, mini-season after the real, fully-played season, but Europeans are weird. In essence, this game is almost the championship, so trophies! People winning things! More importantly, people losing things!

Well, I did watch a soccer game, kinda recently. I think it was the World Cup final—wait, what? That was two years ago? Anyway, no one scored, right? Or did I fall asleep before the game was over? I can't have that happen again. I talk about things in my sleep.
I won’t ask what kind of things you talk about because that would be rude. (Also: it’s totally normal to have those feelings for Ron Pau—uh, whoops.) But this game will not be boring. In the past three games, there have been 13 goals. In 33 games this year, Real Madrid has 107; Barcelona has notched a “measly” 96. Outside of appreciating the intricacies of the sport—because, let’s be honest here, fella—it’s pretty easy to watch Lionel Messi do this thing or Cristiano Ronaldo do that thing and realize you’re seeing something special. If not, there’s a pretty decent chance that someone on Barcelona gets maimed/eaten by this guy. Oh, and if that doesn’t happen, there’s the real possibility that someone’s eye gets gouged out by Jose Mourinho, the manager of Real Madrid.

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By birthright, as an American, I hate it when these guys dive around, looking like they've been shot. Then they get right up once they see the ref gave them the call. What ever happened to family values and BEING A MAN? Damn Europeans. 
I know, I know. Barcelona’s players dive and fake injuries. Real Madrid’s players also, as mentioned, seem to make it a point to show that soccer cleats are best used for puncturing the skin and breaking the bones of Barcelona players, rather than, you know, kicking a soccer ball into a goal. Real Madrid’s players dive and fake injuries, too. It also happens in every “American” sport. For as much as the scourge of diving seems to erode the very fibers of the great material that this country was founded upon, it might be better if we all just embraced it as something that happens, like nighttime, bear attacks, and the continued production of multicolored string cheese. That said, Barca defender Carlos Puyol listens to death metal and has outstanding hair; he is a man.

All right, let's just say I do watch this. The announcers are gonna be speaking Spanish, right? Or will they have English accents? Doesn't matter, I'm not gonna be able to understand either of 'em, am I right? *feigns a punch to my stomach* Who is who? And who do I care about?
Depending on what channel you watch this on, you could hear an announcer describe a goal as a “wet dream of orgasmic proportions” but you’re right. Accents are for communists and talking cats. Anyway, there’s Messi, the best player in the world, and Ronaldo, the guy who would be the best player in the world if he were alive at any other time other than right now. Ronaldo has nice legs and he’ll show them to you. There are also Xavi and Iniesta, two 5’7’’ Spanish midfielders who are better at passing a soccer ball than you are at walking. There’s Mesut Ozil who’s really great, but who you’ll think looks like a 15-year-old girl, but that will be a fun moment for you, so that’s good. Then there’s everyone else because, let’s be real, a big reason why these teams are so fucking great is because they have and spend so much money. So, naturally, everyone on each team is really friggin’ good. Free markets! Capitalism! All great things, right? You might like the managers, too. There’s 41-year-old Pep Guardiola, who became Barcelona’s manager in 2008 with no prior high-level coaching experience and has basically won every trophy in existence more than once since. You won’t like the way he dresses (which is to say, very well), but what are “clothes” anyway? And then there’s the aforementioned Jose Mourinho, nicknamed “The Special One,” a man who has won titles with every team he’s managed except, um, Real Madrid. He’s like Casey Stengel, Pat Reilly, and Bill Parcells wrapped in one. Except not at all, and slightly slimmer. But for your sake, we’re just gonna assume that’s true.

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Tuna! OK OK, I can do that. Doesn't sound half-bad actually. And that offsides rule thing? They ever get rid of that? They gotta get rid of that stupid thing, man.
Yeah… um… it’s… well… you see … I get where you’re coming… ah, fuck it. Never mind.

@rwohan

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US Soccer Is Out of the Olympics

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