Three's Company

Threesome's get a lot of good press, but they're not always all they're cracked up to be. Realistically, one person is intermittently going to be left out of the fun, sat there watching like a lonely, wanking weirdo, and that's never a good time for anyone involved. Of course, they can be mind-blowingly amazing, but all we're saying is ready yourself for something truly awful. Read these stories to give you an idea of what could go wrong.

Illustrations by Sam Taylor. Follow him on Twitter @sptsam or visit his website at samtaylorillustrator.com.

LOW GROANS

Last year, my oldest friend and I were both bored of our boyfriends and went through a phase of bullying one of our male friends – who we both secretly had a crush on – into coming out with us all the time. We went to a party one night and drowned ourseves with vodka, before deciding that having a threesome would be the most hilarious thing ever. We all drank a load and fed the guy 12 Red Bull and vodkas (did we date rape him?) then headed back to my flat for some of the least sexual sex ever inflicted on the beds of this world.

Because we were all so wasted, the "sex" lasted for about two hours, waking up everyone else in the flat. The guy in the bedroom next to mine was my best friend's boyfriend's best friend, so not only did my best friend and I have to wake up the next morning and pretend to forget that we'd gone down on each other the previous night, we also had to maintain that we'd just been making really low, masculine grunts for a laugh so that no one would snitch us out for being cheating date-rapists.

KEEP YOURSELF HYDRATED

My story is short and succinct, but massively distressing and disgusting at the very same time. I was in the throws of a devil's three-way (two dudes, one chick) and my male friend and I finished at roughly the same time; my friend in a condom and me in her mouth and all up and around her face. There's that old colloquialism about a plasterer's radio – this was more like eight apprentice plasterers with very little training and a set of personal vendettas against anything that provides Zane Lowe a platform to ramble about the new Foo Fighters album.

The girl managed to clean up reasonably quickly from what I saw, but I darted off to the bathroom pretty much as soon as I'd finished. When I got back my friend was passionately tonguing the girl and kissing her all over her face, mopping up my load with his tongue. I'm going to assume he didn't notice – I have no idea how – but that's a story I'm not sharing with him until my best man's toast.

A FRIENDLY FACIAL

There were these two guys I knew – both rough, Jack-the-lad types – who were out on the chirpse one night at some central London sink club, where they got talking to a somewhat plump American girl. One was way more into it than the other, but the girl insisted they both go back to hers, where, of course, they all ended up copping off together.

The party moved to her bedroom and shit started getting a little bit ancient Rome. Plugging away at both ends in a move that even the most hardened of gangbang porn stars would demand a bonus for, one of our sexual adventurers finished a lot earlier than the other. Being a good guy, he continued to pleasure the lady while the friend tried his best to finish up. As much as he went for it, though, it just wasn't happening. He repeatedly pulled out to give himself a tug, but nothing was happening. The early finisher's patience was being tested.

In a fit of frustration, our struggler pulled out one last time to finish himself off, threw his head back, closed his eyes, thought of England and finally blurted his load. Result – you’d have thought – but somebody was shrieking. Opening his eyes triumphantly, he realised the girl had ducked out the way and he'd ended up jizzing all over his friend's face. I don’t think they stuck around to snuggle.

ODD MAN OUT

I was out one night in New Cross, waiting at a bus stop to go home with a buddy – let's call him Dave – and we were both super wasted. There was this hot girl waiting at the same stop, so we got talking to her. She was flirting with both of us and, before I really knew what was going on, we were both making out with her in the street. She seemed really into it and who was I to complain? She was hot as hell and I was drunk as fuck. It was perfect.

It turned out it was her first week in London, so she took us back to her student halls and things started getting heavy. We were all topless and Dave and I were both playing with her tits, then she grabbed both our dicks. Dave is widely renowned for loving threesomes, so he was totally in his element.

After a while, I went in. It was a dark room, thankfully, so I wasn't too sure what Dave was up to, but I assumed he was doing something to her or she was doing something to him, or whatever. After about ten minutes, when my eyes had adjusted to the light, I looked up and Dave was just sitting on a chair next to the bed. Naked. With a boner. Not involved whatsoever. Completely alone.

That scared me, so I pulled out, wiped off and got up. The girl just lay there, probably letting that pang of regret sink in and work its hellish magic. Dave and I both got dressed and left. On the way home, Dave told me that she'd pushed him away as we started to bang, so, because Dave loves threesomes, he had decided to punish her by sitting there, butt-nude, watching. Yeah, it sounds a little sociopathic, I know, but the lesson to learn here is that one should never deny Dave a threesome.

CAUGHT RED HANDED

For whatever inconceivable reason, my friend's then-girlfriend suggested that the three of us should get blind-drunk and have a three-way together. It was the last term of university, all the work was nearly done and, I'm guessing, she wanted one more wild memory to cling to before she started her current soul-crushing job of selling broadband packages over the phone.

Weirdly, my friend seemed OK with it – I assumed they'd already talked it out – and the girl was hot, so, perhaps against my better judgement, I agreed. We downed one of those 50cl bottles of vodka each to kick off proceedings and nervously got to work. For the first ten minutes or so everything was going fine. The girlfriend got us both standing to attention, then we topped and tailed for a while and the awkwardness was beginning to ease into a pretty good time.

We swapped over after a while, leaving me to take her from her behind while she noshed off her boyfriend. I guess the awkwardness had completely dissolved by this point, because mid-pumping away, I raised my hand and slapped her arse (bitches love that shit). I caught her boyfriend's eye as soon as my hand hit her skin and, to this day, I've never seen rage manifest as quickly as it did in that moment. His face instantly turned purple and he smacked me full-force round the face, almost knocking me out, and I went crashing to the floor.

My friend and I didn't talk for about a month, but he eventually broke up with the girl and now we're bezzies again. So don't let this story put you off fucking your mate's girlfriend too much.

Illustrations by Sam Taylor. Follow him on Twitter @sptsam or visit his website at samtaylorillustrator.com. 

More Stories:

Urine For a Treat

Romance Isn't Dead, It's Just Getting Spit-Roasted in the Toilet

Breaking Up Is Hard When One of You Is Insane

Accidents Happen If You're An Idiot