This morning, VICE came into possession of a speech that appears to have been written by someone who has just won the election to be the President of the United States of America. We're not saying that it is or isn't the victory speech Mitt Romney...
Last night, when the world still didn't know who the next President would be, Mitt Romney spoke to journalists while tens of thousands of feet above the Earth on a flight from Pittsburgh to Boston. When asked by the gathered reporters, he told them that yes, he did have a victory speech ready, and that it was "about 1,118 words long."
This morning, VICE came into possession of a speech that appears to have been written by someone who has just won the election to be the President of the United States of America. It is also 1,118 words long. We're not saying that it is or isn't the victory speech Mitt Romney wrote that seemed destined to go forever undelivered. Judge its veracity for yourself.
My fellow Americans.
Thank you. Thank you, all.
First of all I want to thank you all for being here with me tonight. Not just our party workers. But more specifically, the ethnically selected demographic-representers who are standing directly behind me so that the TV cameras will catch them. There are many people who have made my victory possible. But you guys have made it seem plausible. Thank you.
[Wait for applause]
In the past few minutes, I have spoken to Barack Obama on the phone. He has conceded defeat in this election. I congratulated him on a hard-fought campaign, and asked him to please make sure all the bedding was well laundered for when I arrive tomorrow. He informed me that he will remain President until January. In the new spirit of bi-partisanship I hope to promote, I have granted him this concession.
[Look meaningfully at camera]
Friends, when I was young, my father used to take me on his knee and ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told him that one day I'd like to lead this great nation. To his credit, he never laughed or smiled indulgently. He just believed.
But that was my dad. He worked his fingers to the bone to give us the basics in life. An elite private education. An Ivy League degree. The first few million to get us going. A network of contacts on Capitol Hill. The things every dad wants for his kids.
He worked so hard. Yet he never forgot about the importance of family. Even when he was ordering the National Guard to suppress the Detroit Riots by any and all means necessary, up to and including live ammunition, our dad still made time to play football with us in the backyard. I remember the day they killed those kids over at Kent State. Dad came home from the office and simply took us in his arms, hugged us, and whispered softly in our ears: “We got 'em, Mitt. We got em...”
My father believed. And now I have achieved. Only in America.
[Smile, showing gums]
Ha ha, yup, only in America. Some people will tell you that the American Dream is dead. Well you tell them that, once, the son of a Michigan state governor dreamed he could become President. And tonight, that dream came true.
Which is why I have always believed in an America where every child is given the chance to grow up. And where not only the children of the rich have a chance to grow up richer. But the children of the super-rich too. Because if you're going to have a rich nation, you're going to need people richer than the super-rich. This is something President Obama could never seem to understand.
An America where it doesn't matter if you're protestant, or if you're white, or if you're Anglo-Saxon, or Republican, everyone has the opportunity to eat at Michelin-starred restaurants if they are capable of paying the $200 cover charge.
That's what being American means. We have the largest GDP in the world. And why? Because we are truly great at spending money. Our enemies, our detractors, claim that we don't make anything anymore. That may well be true. But they forget about the American genius for spending. You only have to turn on your TV to know that your average American has a talent for needing things that far surpasses that of any other nation on Earth. Some people look at a passive exercise bed and see the American failure at working out. I see the American genius at reclining while fat is bobbled away by a series of tensile bands.
[Wait for applause]
Yet in an increasingly globalized world, we have to look again at the central question of what it means to be an American. Now, I accept that we are all the children of immigrants to some extent. But that is precisely my point. Aren’t 400 million children-of-immigrants enough immigrants? Isn't it time America stopped being composed of all the races of the world, and started just being composed of Americans?
Which is why my administration will be the first in history to only issue Green Cards to people who wish to become American citizens who can prove that they are already American citizens. We have to accept that if we're prepared to bend the rules for Hispanics—and let's face it, everyone here likes a clean swimming pool—then one of these days we will wake up living next door to a Frenchman.
Sadly, our grave challenges are not only internal. You have elected me at a time in our nation's history where the outside world is ever more dangerous. I have to tell you now, I believe in a Middle East where we have peace through security. Because peace without security is as meaningless as the sentence “Bobble dong Wednesday intercourse boatshed of drive to Canada with dog in a roof rack oblong nasty?” It should be evident that there can be no true peace without mutual acceptance. Which is why I now call upon the Palestinians to accept that they are crushed already, and the Israelis similarly to accept that the Palestinians are crushed already. There can be no peace without violence. There can be no violence without peace.
[Smile. Gums partially-visible.]
I think it was Ghandi who once said: “An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.” And it is in that spirit that I say to the Iranians: we are quite prepared to poke out our own eyes if it means we get to poke out yours, too. So do not mess with us. Because Uncle Sam spends a trillion dollars a year on weapons that your cave priests could only view as magic, and believe me if you're still rubbing plutonium together trying to make nukes, then you are about 70 years behind us, bozos. When we were doing that, there were still Crimean War veterans alive. Imagine how far we've come since we invented the microwave and the iPad. Precisely. The iPad. Work that one out, towel-heads. The iPad.
[End on an up-note. Wait for crowd to rise to their feet.]
Thank you. Thank you.
It has been a long campaign. And frankly, I look forward to returning to my pod tonight to get some shut-down. Once again, my undying thanks to everyone who has supported me throughout this campaign. It's been hard, but it's the conversations I've had with ordinary lobbyists, the smiling faces of the everyday CEOs I've met, and the messages I've received from countless different parts of the military-industrial complex that have sustained my energy, kept me going, helped me fight on.
Thank you all. We're taking back America. I believe in America. We are all Americans. The American Dream. America. America. America. America. America. America.
[Wave. Smile. Wave. Smile. Wave. Hug wife. Smile. Hug child. Wave. Execute walk program down runway. Smile. Auto-Off.]
As recovered by Gavin Haynes – follow him on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes
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