Who's Your Daddy?

Almost 2012 years ago, a busy daddy shot a few lightning bolts from his heavenly sack and then bounced, leaving his son to be raised by his mommy and her new hubby, Joe. A few millennia later, people still talk about the boy and his great daddy...

Almost 2012 years ago, a certain famous daddy helped create a certain famous son. This daddy was a busy daddy, so he shot a few lightning bolts from his heavenly sack and bounced, leaving his son to be raised by his mommy and her new hubby, Joe. Joe was a pretty solid step-daddy, although every time he got down with his wife he knew the big man Himself had already hit it and quit it. 

The son rebelled, like so many other daddy-less boys do, by growing a beard and hair as long as Mommy's. When he grew up, the boy told whoever would listen about how great his real daddy was and how everyone should worship Him and stuff. Some people got jealous that their daddies weren't as great and they stuck the boy up on a giant lower case t.

A few millennia later, people still talk about the boy and his great daddy whenever December rolls around. His story has us thinking, What about all those other daddies out there? Who's your daddy?

Greg, 34, music label owner and healthcare practitioner: My daddy is John. He’s retired, and he plays drums and guitar all day long, so he’s regressed back to his hippie roots. It’s pretty rad.

What did John do before he was retired?
John worked at Syracuse University to put his three sons through college. It worked out pretty well. I went there and NYU, and Syracuse was much less expensive.

Sean, 20, electrician: My dad is my boss!

Do you get special treatment?
No, not really. I actually get roughed up a little bit more than the usual person. He’s right below the owner, so. He’s the project manager.

Frankie, 34, electrician: My daddy is Francisco. He passed away, but he used to be an architect.

Did he design any cool buildings?
To be honest, I have no idea.

Are you actually Francisco II?

Jasmine, 19, student: My daddy is a really bad person, and he’s retired from the military.

A bad person how?
He’s just made a lot of really bad life decisions.

Jared, 29, cook: I have to say, music is my daddy. And he makes me broke. But he likes me.

Music is your metaphorical daddy?
Yeah. I don’t really know what you mean by daddy.

I mean your actual dad.
Oh, that’s kind of boring. He’s an engineer. His name is Phil.

Katie, 21, promotions director: My dad is Tom, and he works for a development firm based out of Spokane. He tries to convince property owners that there should be commercial spaces on their properties. There’s a lot of PowerPoints and slides with drawings of landscapes and stuff like that.

So your dad is a wizard with MS Office?
Yeah, definitely.

Nina, 21, assistant music director (left): I feel like daddy and dad are different questions.

You can answer for both, if you want.
Well, my dad is a photographer for a newspaper. He got arrested once because he went past a police line during a fire. They were like “You can’t go past the line!” and then he ended up in jail for like a day.

Was your mom pissed?
I don’t know if they were married yet, but his friend had to bail him out.

Nick, 22, music director (right): My daddy is a 30-something who lives in my apartment building named Joey. He buys me martinis and treats me nice.

How did you meet him?
Walking our dogs, respectively. Being in the foyer and the hallway at the same time and making passes at one another.

So he’s a sugar daddy?
No, just a daddy. There’s a little bit of sugar on the side, but I have to borrow it from him and then reciprocate.

Nolan, 21, promotions: My daddy is a Chinese-American born in 1959. He’s a retiree who generally spends most of his time smoking cigarettes, playing golf, and preparing meats for dinner.

That sounds like everybody’s retired dad. What did he do before he retired?
He worked for Illinois Bell, which was formerly Bell, which was formerly Ameritech, which was formerly SBC, which is now AT&T. And he stayed on it like the whole way, until AT&T.

Maia, 35, marketing manager: He’s sitting right there! He’s a pensioner, so he enjoys life. He enjoys it in New York now.

He moved after he retired?
No, we live in Amsterdam, and we’re just here to visit.

Noam, 21, student: My daddy is an artist.

What kind of artist?
He paints abstract paintings. He’s based in Toronto and has showed in Toronto, San Franciso, Dusseldorf, and Tel Aviv. People compare him to Mark Rothko.

Does he take you traveling with him?

Ryan, 25, musician: My daddy is Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he saves the world.

What’s that like? I hear he cheats on your mom all the time.
It’s not easy. It’s a rough life.

Does he ever take you to the gym to train with him?
He does, and it’s really awkward. I’m not as buff as he is.

Michael, 24, guitar player and singer (right): My daddy is Tim, and he’s a missionary.

Where does he go on missions?
He’s all over Africa.

Does he have any crazy Africa stories?
He gets in scrapes with the locals. You get these crazy African people that really don’t like white people—can I say that? I mean, there are snakes there too. They’re pretty dangerous.

Ariel, 26, piano-player (center): My dad’s name is Juan and he’s a teacher. He teaches fourth grade, and he’s retired.

Does he ever ask kids who their daddy is and what he does?
Sometimes. He’s a big fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ryan, 22, artist and songwriter (left): My dad?

Your daddy.
OK... can I answer it twice?

Go for it.
My daddy… I have a boyfriend named Will, and we could say he’s my daddy. And my dad is an attorney.

So what does your daddy do?
He’s an actor. He’s the only person in my life I would call daddy.

Why’s that?
He takes care of me.

Previously - What's the Scariest Country in the World?