This week God spoke to former NFL player Kevin Ellison and told him to torch his bed with a blunt.
We understand, you learned how to roller-skate and worked on your diorama all last week. You missed all the games and all the cool articles about all the games. Then you had homework and a bad burrito and a fit of vomiting, not necessarily in that order. Luckily, everything important that happened in every sport last week, ever, even the boring ones, is here. If it’s not in here, not only do you not need to know about it; you should ignore it.
- Former NFL player Kevin Ellison jumped out of his third-floor window since his house was on fire. His house was on fire because God told him to torch his bed with a blunt. Sounds OK to me. Some backstory on Ellison: He’s 25 and doesn’t play in the NFL anymore—the Chargers released him when they found him with 100 Vicodins in his whip; no other team picked him up and now he plays arena football in Spokane. I don’t endorse drugs, football, or Spokane, but is there any way I can buy this guy’s jersey? Or commission a documentary?
- Adam “Pac Man” Jones, you know, the guy who shot up that strip club during the Bush administration, has to pay $11.7 million to the strip club manager who was paralyzed by a stray bullet. Jones will earn a bit under a million this year, and is telling NFL rookies "Hey, don’t shoot up strip clubs.” A powerful moral message for the young people indeed.
- I assure you I like NASCAR. I also assure you that Dale Earnhardt Jr. won a race, like a real one. He went four years without winning. In that time he drove in 148 races, which is a lot of times going around in a circle without getting the trophy—or whatever the car-guys get when they win a car thing. Also, check out his dad’s (RIP) car. Hah!
- The Thunder and the Heat, in dire battle, are turning in a hell of an NBA Finals.
- OKC won Game 1 convincingly, and lost convincingly when they fell behind 18-2 in Game 2 . In Game 3, OKC coach Scott Brooks benched Kevin Durant and gave Thabo Sefolosha lots of minutes to play a shit-stain game for the ages.
- Brooks also turned down a three-year extension with the club. Was it because he thinks he’s such a good coach he’ll be worth more in a few years? (He kind of isn’t.)
- In other basketball/fucking weird news, the horse owned by Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol raced real good on Sunday but lost by a nose. And then Drew Brees claimed it. Stars—they are nothing at all like us!
- Euro 2012 is underway and the soccer has been awesome. People are excited! The Netherlands, a popular pick to win it all, got bounced when Cristiano Ronaldo, Portuguese fancy boy and good soccer dude, scored two goals in late play Sunday. Orange you glad I didn’t pick them to win it all? I am. Orange.
- There’s been racist behavior at Euro 2012 (shocker!), and the Croatia coach is pissed at Croatian fans. The Russian sports minister said before the tourney that claims of racism regarding Russian fans are "stupid and untrue," two days before a top Russian agent said something incredibly racist. Russia also got fined a ton of money for its violent fans and is appealing. Not cool, guys.
- The Kings had their parade and no one misspelled or mispronounced the team name. Hooray! The TV network cut to captain Jonathan Quick’s speech and he swore a lot on live TV. Double hooray!
- Stony Brook is an amazing Cinderella story, reaching the College World Series when they shouldn’t have! Except they had like a dozen drafted players! And then they lost in like the biggest way. Not hooray.
- Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros, who fielded a lineup that was only technically in the Major Leagues. His game was one of the best no-hitters ever thrown, according to fancy stats. Sports Ilustrated had a couple of good takes. Are perfect games played out now? Keith Olbermann thinks so. If you care what Keith Olbermann thinks.
- Finally, A-Rod doesn’t like confrontation.
Previously - Boxing Is Sooooooo Fixed