Worst Take of the Week: Kissing Tories vs Lesbian Hurricanes

Welcome to Angus Take House – a weekly column in which I will be pitting two of the wildest takes the world's great thinkers have rustled up against each other. This is your one-stop shop for the meatiest verdicts and saltiest angles on the world's happenings. Go and grab a napkin – these juicy hot takes are fresh from the griddle.

TAKE #1:

What's the story? Labour MP Laura Pidcock said in an interview that she has no interest in being friends with Tories.

Reasonable take: If you want to shag Tories, that's entirely your prerogative.

Pepper-crusted fillet take: Socialism will kill us all please love me why don't you love me.

Daniel Finkelstein – or, to give him his full Wacky Races name: Baron Finkelstein – is The Times' former executive editor, and a Conservative member of the House of Lords. Being a Tory, he hasn't responded that cheerily to the hordes of Labour supporters and left-wingers who have come to Laura Pidcock's defence, agreeing with her that they would never be friends with Tories. "The misunderstanding, that Tories are like Mr Burns out of The Simpsons, is quite frustrating," he says. To be honest, if "Mr Burns" is the worst insult he's read, he's probably not read his mentions properly.

Keen to not let this personal sleight be misconstrued as some sort of passing comment about people's social habits, the Fink reckons "this attitude to Conservatives is of profound importance, and points to a big hole in socialism". What follows is an "epic takedown" of all socialism, in which he basically argues Pidcock's comments share lineage with the Stasi in East Germany. Or that people who say they tend to avoid Tinder dates with Tories will ultimately want to destroy them. Or something.

The lasting impression is basically that Finky can't take rejection. He's like a creatine brer on Tinder who after a polite "no thanks" has flipped into red-mist rage screaming about his intellectual superiority.

Anyway how about I take you out for some drinks tomorrow night and we can chat about this face to face? Tee hee.

Ummmm, no thanks. Not sure we're really compatible. Sorryyyyy x

YOUR IDEOLOGY IS BROKEN. YOU DO KNOW THAT DON'T YOU? BROKEN.

TAKE #2:

What's the story? An active tropical cyclone is currently causing untold damage across Texas.

Reasonable take: I hope everybody in Texas is OK.

Holy Cow Hinds: I'm not saying it's because Houston's got a gay mayor, but…

Ann Coulter is basically an American Katie Hopkins; a Republican provocateur full of those old timey, God-fearing takes. The sort of takes that maw and paw used to roast over an open fire during our hikes out to the Appalachian Mountains. Hard-working takes. American takes. Lesbian hurricane takes.

As you'll have seen in the news all week, Texas is currently being torn apart by a devastating hurricane – the likes of which the country hasn't seen in well over a decade. While most people got down to the business of offering support – except for Trump, who seemed to think he was in Texas to film a Netflix special – Ann Coulter took the opportunity to clear up some confusion as to what the cause of the tropical storm was.

You see, idiots in the liberal media were up to their old tricks, trying to pass off this huge fluctuation in ordinary weather patterns as some sort of climactic shift. Which is completely implausible, duh. So to clear things up, Ann delivers perhaps the most loaded collection of consecutive words I've ever read in a tweet. "I don't believe Hurricane Harvey is God's punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor. But…"

Coulter is clearly attempting to rubbish climate change, but the whole lesbian mayor bit is way too specific to sound like anything other than her actual opinion. And besides, when else do you ever say "I'm not saying XYZ, but…" except for when you totally are saying something.

I'm not saying it was God's punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor.

What was it then Ann?

I couldn't possibly comment ;)

Also, Houston's openly gay mayor, Annise Parker, served from 2010 to 2016, so God is late.

Prime Cut: Tough one this week, but I've got to hand it to Ann Coulter for the evangelical saltiness of that tweet. Plus, I haven't got it in me to reject Baron Finkelstein any more. Not sure he can take it.

@a_n_g_u_s