City council meetings are unique slices of hell. They are an opportunity for city residents to come together to bitch and moan and drone on about various minor issues plaguing the community, from potholes to taxes to their neighbors' annoying-ass pets. But every now and then, some brave resident transcends the local nitpicking and delivers a speech so rousing, so monumental, so deeply stirring that it rocks the city to its very core.
A few weeks ago, a guy named Chris wandered into a local Lawrence, Kansas, city council discussion about local bodywork licenses. Head bowed reverently over the podium with a prepared speech in hand, Chris stepped up and took a stand for something he apparently truly believed in: the right for massage therapists to give "genital massages."
Please, just watch:
"We let someone get naked and have every other part of their body touched and rubbed by a massage therapist. Hell, we let proctologists spend their day fingering men and sticking things up their anus. So if someone wants to yank a guy's crank, I say let 'em," Chris says, as the audience of community members listen in rapt silence.
"Picture this," Chris continues, adding a flourish of hand motions. "A big, old sweaty fat guy. Would getting him off with your hand actually be that much worse than giving him a full body massage, getting up in there under the folds of fat? Or being the proctologist, sticking your finger up his ass?"
Stirring imagery aside, it's unclear if Chris is actually making an impassioned plea for handjobs, or if this whole thing is some kind of prank. But in any case, he manages to bring the whole thing together in a brilliant conclusion that speaks to the very essence of what our country stands for:
"If a grown adult wants a handjob and another grown adult is willing to give one for money, then let them. That's both freedom and capitalism and that's the foundation of our country," he says. "If you have a problem with genital massage, then don't get one and allow other consenting adults to do what they want. That would truly be a happy ending for everyone."
It's unclear if the city council was ultimately swayed by Chris's speech, but as the old saying goes, it's better to have pleaded your case for legal tuggies than never to have pleaded at all. Thanks for your valued commitment to the community, Chris.
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