On Sunday, three men and one women allegedly kidnapped one of their coworkers and held him at gunpoint in a home in Aransas Pass, Texas. For several long hours, the man stared down the barrel of a gun, while they searched his phone and demanded answers to questions about a work-related conflict. When they finally decided to release him, they presumably returned his phone, put the gun down… and they gave him a grilled cheese sandwich.
Yes, a grilled cheese.
The man immediately contacted the Aransas Pass Police Department, who released a statement about the incident. "The issue for which they held the victim stemmed over alleged comments made by the victim about one of the coworkers," the cops wrote. "After holding the victim for several hours, they then released him and offered him a grilled cheese sandwich for his troubles."
First, we're glad that this as-yet-unnamed victim was allowed to leave the residence unharmed, but… a grilled cheese? Can any sandwich actually cancel out the trauma of being kidnapped and held at gunpoint by a group of obviously agitated individuals? Also, was it a fresh grilled cheese, cooked in the minutes before he was let go, or had it been quietly congealing on a plate while he endured those terrifying hours at gunpoint? Because if it was the latter, then the suspects should be facing additional charges.
According to the Caller Times, Jeremy Radford, 33; Thomasine Radford, 24; Jamison Nejezchleb, 26; and William Swan, 31, have been taken into custody and charged with aggravated kidnapping. (A week before the alleged kidnapping, one of the suspects shared a Facebook photo that said "No one will know the violence it took to become this gentle.") Police Chief Eric Blanchard of the Aransas Pass Police Department told VICE that no additional charges would be filed, and that the suspects had been transferred to the San Patricio County Jail.
"They will need to go before a judge and then have their day in court. We have plenty of evidence against them based on statements and search warrants, though," Blanchard said. "The victim was released unharmed and in a safe location."
Before anyone asks, no, this isn't the first time that a grilled cheese has been referenced in a police report. In January 2017, Daniel Bryan Blackwell was arrested in his Dundalk, Maryland residence after a three-hour standoff with Baltimore County police officers. Blackwell had allegedly made a grilled cheese for himself and, before he could eat it, someone else took a bite out of it. Rather than joke about it, or just finish the rest of the sandwich, Blackwell pulled a gun and fired several shots into his own kitchen.
"Apparently, the man had made a grilled-cheese sandwich and either the wife or the daughter, we're not exactly sure who, but somebody, one of the females in the house, took a bite of his sandwich, and apparently, that enraged him to the point that he fired shots in the house," Cpl. Shawn Vinson said at the time. Blackwell's wife and their three children were able to get out of the home safely; he was charged with attempted first- and second-degree murder and first- and second-degree assault.
Come on, everybody. Despite what these incidents might have you believe, grilled cheeses don't pair well with crime.