This morning began like any other Friday. I woke up and tugged on some distressed, wedgie-fit Levi's and a cropped T-shirt from a mall in Flushing. Fall has come, so I stepped into my thick leather Rick Owens sneakers and a heavy Rick Owens flannel, then grabbed my black Ann Demeulemeester purse and the fierce Celine sunglasses that I bought because I saw Katniss Everdeen in them once.
My walk to work was quick. But when I pulled the shades from my face, I was blinded by the divine light of Taco Bell's newest press release: They have partnered with Forever 21 and are releasing a collaborative fashion collection in less than two weeks.
Everything was normal before, but now we live in a world where the best, worst clothing conglomerate is producing "bodysuits" and "cropped hoodies" with the best, worst fast food giant.
According to Taco Bell marketing executive Marisa Thalberg, the collaboration has come as the natural result of each brand's commitment to "innovative limited edition products that everyone can enjoy." Linda Chang, Forever 21 vice president of merchandising, explained it this way: "Food, like fashion, is driven by trends and culture." And thus this world-altering collab was born into existence.
Both executives promise that the hoodies, tanks, jackets, bodysuits, and T-shirts will be saucy and hot. But since we can't actually see the collection until October 11, I find it necessary to pitch my own ideas. I sincerely hope that Taco Bell and Forever 21 can quickly manufacture some of these novel design concept. They are sure to appeal to literally everyone.
The Crunchwrap Dress
Everyone loves wrap dresses. They're comfortable and chic, providing an easy way for lazy women like me to be glamorous. Diane von Furstenberg is famous for her vivid prints and wrap dresses—but I don't like them. They're way too much like real clothes; when I get dressed, I need to feel like I'd never be allowed entrance to a corporate office. So I propose that Taco Bell and Forever 21 fill this gap in the market and capitalize off the universally beloved Crunchwrap Supreme.
The Crunchwrap Dress would have everything thats good about wrap dresses and the Crunchwrap Supreme: A soft exterior coupled with a supportive structure that holds in belly fat and cheese. Where the Crunchwrap Supreme had an internal hardshell taco to keep things together, the wrap dress has a belt. The Crunchwrap Dress will be very chill. Instead of trying to make you presentable at a board meeting, it will be made out of cotton terry cloth, fall mid-thigh, and resemble an oversized crewneck sweater. The words CRUNCH and WRAP will be printed in script, vertically down the arms.
Cheesy Fiesta Potato Sweat Pants
To be honest, it was a mistake to wear jeans today. They're tight and make it more difficult to eat fried potatoes covered in liquid cheese, one of my favorite Taco Bell side dishes. Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes are a Taco Bell classic, and even though every time I order them I know I don't need them, I never regret it. I also never regret wearing sweatpants.
But people don't realize that sweatpants are supposed to be high-waisted. I mean, everything is supposed to be high-waisted: It doesn't matter how many cheesy potatoes are in my gut if my waist is cinched with a drawstring. The Cheesy Fiesta Potato Pants will come in three colors: white, pale yellow, and tan, symbolizing the palette of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. They will have a 13-inch rise, coming above the belly button for maximum coverage. The drawstring on this innovative, limited edition product will be oversized and extra-wide, printed with the words CHEESY POTATOES over and over, and over again in all-caps.
Taco Bell-Sleeve Cropped Sweater
If you wear high-waisted bottoms then you need something small on top, or at least something short. Anybody can wear a cropped sweater, but only Taco Bell and Forever 21 can make one for less than a dollar. When I'm hungry, I don't go to Taco Bell, because I don't live near one. But if I did live near one, that's where I would go. And I would want to throw something on that both exposes the top of my breasts and covers my arms like a blanket.
The Taco Bell-Sleeve Cropped Sweater ends where the Cheesy Fiesta Potato Sweat Pants begin. It is an exaggerated scoop neck, terrycloth sweater with super long belled sleeves and a raw hem. The belled sleeves will look pretty much like bell-bottom pants, but on your arms. When your small hand with its long acrylic nails emerges out of that dark crevasse of cotton, you will resemble the clapper of the restaurant's eponymous Bell, ringing in a new day for fashion and for food.
Doritos Locos Choker
Anybody with a brain knows that chokers are popular. They don't even have to look good. As long as it looks like your head will fall off without it, your choker is perfect. And if you're going to be wearing lots of comfortable clothing that also aims to make you chic, you need to consider the subtle messaging that a choker can send to other people. Anyone who sees you wearing the clothes I have designed will think you need to go to bed as soon as possible—but if you wear a choker, they're going to think you're either a witch or insane, and thus they'll leave you alone.
And when you're eating Taco Bell, you want to be left alone—to be free of shame as you eat from God's kitchen in peace. When Taco Bell announced that they were partnering with Doritos to make a taco shell, I almost died. Is there anything more pure? This cunning collaboration proved that Taco Bell was down to fuck with the worst aspects of American consumption. And I like that. To a stupid person like me, there's nothing more appropriate than combining tacos with Doritos; they tie together seamlessly—just like the Doritos Locos Choker. This small canvas ribbon comes in classic choker black, accented by a small, plastic Doritos Locos taco shell closure in the back.
None yet know what lies ahead. We can only hope that the Taco Bell x Forever 21 collaboration will live up to the very low standards we have fallen to in both fashion and food in America. In the meantime, I submit these ideas for consideration.