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This Cow Wanted Absolutely Nothing to Do with Baby Jesus

Stormy fled the nativity scene she'd been cooped up in twice before the church finally let her head back to the farm.

by Drew Schwartz
Dec 14 2017, 7:53pm

Photo via Old First Reformed United Church of Christ/Facebook

While some animals can't stand their shitty, soul-crushing jobs and long for the chance to roam free among their fellow beasts, others just aren't cut out for serving the big man upstairs. One such defiant creature—Stormy the cow—decided to pursue her freedom over organized religion after fleeing from her spot next to Jesus in a church's live-animal nativity scene.

According to Philly.com, Stormy escaped from her pen at Philadelphia's Old First Reformed United Church of Christ two separate times early Thursday morning, after she was tapped to play the role of one of the farm animals who welcomed Christ into the world way back when. She'd been cooped up there for the church's annual crèche, but apparently couldn't jive with the whole Jesus thing—fleeing her cell at about 2:30 AM and hoofing it to a nearby highway, snarling the local traffic.

After someone called the cops, Animal Control managed to wrangle Stormy and send her back to the church. But, like those of us who aren't that into organized religion, the gentle beast fled the church again. At about 6:30 AM, she jetted from her pen and clomped down the street to a nearby parking garage.

Unluckily for Stormy, she is a cow, which means she can't run all that fast. It didn't take long for the cops to wrangle her yet again and shepherd her back to the godly prison from whence she came.

John Owens, a program assistant at the church, told Philly.com the folks running the nativity scene think someone may have fiddled with the gate and set Stormy free the first time around. Apparently some locals were worried about her getting cold at night, or riled up by the sights and sounds of the big city.

The church has no clue how she managed to blast out of her heavenly confines a second time. Call it whatever you want—rejection of a shitty job, a crisis of faith—but at the end of the day, Stormy turned out to be too much for the church to handle. They sent her back to her farm, tapping a new, less restless cow named Ginger to take her place next to Baby Jesus, NBC Philadelphia reports.

Congratulations, Stormy, you rebellious beast. May you never again find yourself conscripted to a life of piety and petting at the hands of local children.

Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.

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