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The NFL Previewed in Song, Part VIII: The NFC West

A breakdown of the only division that matters, featuring Melvins and the Monkees.
Photo by Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to the final installment of our NFL preview, which takes a look at the NFC West, the only division that matters. Read the previous installments, featuring other, lesser divisions, here.

Seattle Seahawks - Melvins, "Hung Bunny"

Every time the Seahawks appear on television, some well-meaning producer turns on the grunge whenever there's a commercial break. This makes a certain kind of sense, since football is an angry sport and grunge is the most famous angry music ever churned out by Northwesterners, but the selections—well, they make Seattle seem like a city populated by a bunch of sissies. When your edgiest hard rock is all about unhappy kids and lonely adults, it's hard to shake your town's reputation as the lattes-and-sighs capital of the US.

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This is a shame, because the Seahawks are far rougher and more violent than both the town they represent and the poppy hard rock that always accompanies their victories on national TV. Their offense is built around throwing Marshawn Lynch into tacklers until defenses break out of exhaustion; their defense is mainly large athletic men making borderline illegal contact with receivers; they brag on social media and shout during postgame interviews and fail drug tests and generally comport themselves like assholes. Assholes with teeth who are coming to devour your favorite team. That's not something you can soundtrack with Pearl Jam.

Seattle's offense is going to be once again a combination of Lynch running into linebackers and Russell Wilson running in circles until a man gets open; they'll also have Percy Harvin as a deep option until he inevitably gets hurt. But the Seahawks are one of the few teams that are more fun to watch when they don't have the ball—the high points of every game are when an opposing quarterback drops back, can't find anyone open, spends the next 3.7 seconds going through his reads as his concern turns to panic turns to fear, and finally gets ripped down to the ground by a blue-shirted Seahawk while the CenturyLink Field crowd roars in wordless approval. It's a scary feeling to be the target of that defense, not unlike the nervous, frightened-animal rush you get when the drums kick in around the eight-minute mark on "Hung Bunny." Few bands have ever been as genuinely scary as Melvins were in their prime, and few teams in the league can inspire fear the way the reigning Super Bowl champs do.

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Prediction: 12-4

-Harry Cheadle

San Francisco 49ers - Mikal Cronin, "The Way Things Go"

A couple years ago, the San Francisco music scene was booming with garage rock heroes selling out clubs all over the country and getting attention on big-name blogs. It was a glorious time to be in the city; you could immerse yourself in music that honored the city's psychedelic glory days. The city is now too expensive for even Pitchfork-famous artists to pay rent, so little by little the crew dissolved and landed in other cities. Mikal Cronin is one of the last men standing. On his first full-length, he sang, "Things will come and things will go/ That's alright it's just the way things go sometimes." Another of the city's greatest assets seems to be headed in the same direction: The Niners are facing a make or break year, and they're fighting against a run of bad luck and treading water in the NFL's toughest division.

The Niners are not looking good in the preseason, but fortunately the team will not be anchored by Blaine Gabbert in any permanent capacity. The real issues are injuries (goddamit, NaVorro Bowman) and suspensions (goddamit, Aldon Smith). Training camp injuries have totally depleted the backfield, and while the offense should be more potent than it was last season, you need a top-tier defense to compete in the NFC West. Veterans are aging, big names (including head coach Jim Harbaugh) are looking for new contracts, but those are concerns for next year. Right now, Niners fans are worried about the starters remaining healthy and Kaep and the receiving corps scoring some fucking touchdowns. The Niners have been playoff/Super Bowl contenders for a few seasons now, but this year they're going to need to pull some victories off against opponents who are healthier than they are. It's going to be a tough year—the first half of their schedule is especially brutal—but as Cronin says, that's just the way things go.

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Prediction: 11-5

-Lindsey Adler

Arizona Cardinals - The Monkees, "(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone"

Much like NFC West teams, classic rock and roll bands can be clearly divided into tiers. The Beatles and the Rolling Stones are in the top tier. The Monkees are in the tier below, and below them is a bunch of crap. (If you disagree with my assessment of the Monkees, I should remind you that they're responsible for one of the great Simpsons moments.)

The Seahawks are the Fab Four and the 49ers are the Stones. Or the other way around—I don't want to get into either of those debates. The point is the Cardinals are the Monkees and the Rams are Herman's Hermits or something. Scratch that, the Rams are the Hullabaloos. Anyway, the 49ers and Seahawks are better—objectively better—than the Cardinals, who are better than the Rams. I mean, Arizona won ten games last year with a 34-year-old Carson Palmer quarterbacking them. Even without linebacker Daryl Washington, the team is loaded with talent: Larry Fitzgerald, Patrick Peterson, Michael Floyd, tantalizing fantasy prospect Andre Ellington… Plus, Bruce Arians is a really good coach! The problem is you need the raw energy and musicianship of the Stones or the Beatles to make it to the top half of the NFC West—low-key pop music with great harmonies designed for good times with your buddies won't cut it. In all likelihood, the Niners and Seahawks will use the Cardinals as a stepping stone to a likely rematch in the NFC Championship game. "(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone" a good song, but "Get Off of My Cloud" is just better.

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Projected record: 9-7

-David Matthews

St. Louis Rams - Bruce Springsteen, "Growing Up"

Watching young Bruce Springsteen is always unexpectedly powerful—forget his reputation as the singer who makes your dad tear up, the man was (and still is) a goddamn charisma machine. Even as a 23-year-old unknown singer-songwriter who wandered out onto the stage at Max's Kansas City, he could hit you with the kind of tune that makes you want to just follow him around and see what he's going to do next.

The Rams have that same sort of appeal this year—they're raw and rough around the edges and, OK, they've got the frequently-injured-and-honestly-not-that-great-when-he's-healthy Sam Bradford at quarterback, but it's exciting to imagine their potential. They've been stockpiling young talent thanks to all the draft picks they got from Washington in the Robert Griffin III deal, they've got the genuinely frightening Robert Quinn (who's about the same age as "Growing Up"-era Bruce) on one side of their defensive line and Chris Long on the other, they nearly beat the Seahawks and did beat the Saints last year, running back Zac Stacy had a solid rookie season, they were open to pain and crossed by the rain and walked on a crooked crutch, they strolled all alone through a fallout zone and came out with their souls untouched…

Except they're stuck in the NFC West, where even Young Bruce would get torn apart—the Seahawks and the Cardinals ranked first and second in defensive DVOA last year, and the 49ers and the Seahawks have Pro Bowl-caliber players all over their rosters. Barring a miracle, the Rams won't make the playoffs. But they're building something, and like oooooo, oooohhhhh, growing up, that takes time. There were a good few years before Bruce turned all that charm and talent into breakthrough commercial success, and it's going to take at least that long for St. Louis to grind their way to contender status.

Prediction: 8-8

-Harry Cheadle