Sepp Blatter On Ethics And Being Evil

Everyone in the global football community has a responsibility to act ethically. Football fans rightly demand this. FIFA has taken the lead.

— Joseph S Blatter (@SeppBlatter) September 19, 2014

He enjoys a good handshake with Ethics when it's being kinda racist.

"There is no racism [on the field], but maybe there is a word or gesture that is not correct," Blatter told CNN. "The one affected by this should say this is a game and shake hands."

He laughs at Ethics when it interrupts a moment of silence after 11 seconds.

"FIFA president Blatter took the microphone and ended the tribute [for Nelson Mandela] after only 11 seconds."

He admires Ethics' figure, but thinks it would do better wearing hotpants.

"Sepp Blatter, the president of the world governing body Fifa, said women should have skimpier kit to increase the popularity of the game. "Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball," he said. "They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"

He agrees with Ethics that gay people simply shouldn't have gay sex if it gets in the way of the World Cup.

"Fifa president Sepp Blatter says gay fans going to the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where homosexuality is illegal, should 'refrain from sexual activity.'"

He stands by Ethics when it accepts bribes.

"Based on a cache of millions of documents detailing the activities of Bin Hammam in the runup to the vote in December 2010, outlined allegations that he used a $5m slush fund and his influence to pay bribes and coordinate global trade deals for the bid."

He supports Ethics again when it accepts more bribes.

"FIFA orders officials to hand back £16,000 watches which were given as World Cup gifts."

He consults Ethics before awarding the World Cup to two oppressive regimes.

"Russia and Qatar awarded 2018 and 2022 FIFA World Cups."

He thanks Ethics for its support as thousands of people die building a World Cup.

Report: Qatar's World Cup Expected To Take More Lives Than 9/11

He shares a drink with Ethics while match fixing scandals permeate every corner of his domain.

Fixed Soccer Matches Cast Shadow Over World Cup

He uses Ethics to crush his enemies.

"The Rise and fall of Mohamed bin Hammam…From standing against Sepp Blatter for FIFA presidency to resigning in disgrace from all positions in football."

He cuddles Ethics when he lies.

"Blatter announced his intention to seek a fifth term in charge of world football's governing body and will make an official announcement at Fifa's executive committee meeting between 25-26 September. He had told delegates at a Uefa congress in March 2011 that he would definitely stand down in 2015."

Ethics and Sepp Blatter are on the same page.

"You see a mission is never finished. And my mission is not finished."