(Top photo: 'Last Week Tonight with John Oliver' / HBO)The world is a disorienting place at the moment, but don't despair: there are prophets of wisdom and wokeness out there with the answers. And the best part? Your friends, lovers, parents and Twitter follows will spend all day flooding your timelines with their unbelievably EPIC videos.Videos that DESTROY the Murdoch Empire, the 1 percent and Trump's travel ban; that OBLITERATE the austerity myth, NASA, the fictionalised Irish potato famine and Steve Bannon; that SLAY the Syrian refugee crisis and Marine Le Pen and Westworld; RIP ON the Grammys, quantum computing, the left, the right and the middle.It seems that as the world gets more bewilderingly complicated and grotesque, so our hunger for these Youtube polemicists – all of whom seem to be well-to-do white guys about as distant from "the struggle" as it's possible to be – increases. But how do you know which ones to trust? Who is the most epic, most ranty of them all? Who is capable of owning a Brexiteer? Who will explain why we're all immigrants? Who will truly defend free speech?Warning – epic rants ahead!
John Oliver is a nice bloke and absolutely means well. His show is all about in-depth monologues about underreported issues and everything he does is well-researched and presented in an enthusiastic manner. Surely you can't have a go at someone who is getting people thinking and talking about things like net neutrality and multilevel marketing? Granted, watching his videos is a bit like getting stuck with that guy at the pub – he's nice, but he does go on a bit. And it's weird how he's really terrible at doing a British accent, even though he himself is British. But basically, a good egg.HOW "EPIC RANT THAT REVEALS THE TRUTH ABOUT FAKE NEWS" IS HE?
A bit like if Ask Jeeves had done a massive line of beak just before you searched something. Possibly seems more epic if you're American and think the Queen is adorable.★ ★ ★WHO IS HE?
LBC's resident lefty, James O'Brien is the worst telling off you ever had. You know how when you were a kid you were friends with one lad whose dad was somehow able to go absolutely fucking postal without ever raising his voice? How you'd go round this kid's house and feel a hot flash run down your back whenever his dad walked past the living room – leaping to accommodate him as soon as he asked you to turn the volume down on the telly because he could hear you playing James Bond Nightfire from his study?O'Brien is this dad. His delivery makes it seem as though the hypocrisies of the Daily Mail, or the ineptitude of Leave voters, or the gratuitous nature of Trump's lies have forced him to get up early on a Sunday – which he really fucking resents, because it's the one day he gets, you know? The one day. You can hear him now, dressing down Michael Gove for smashing his greenhouse window with a football. Gove crying thick, soupy tears, emitting short shuddering breaths, O'Brien speaking calmly but maintaining a vice-like grip around his little pink wrists.HOW "EPIC RANT THAT JUST DESTROYED THE BREXITEERS; HONESTLY, JUST SLEWED THEM" IS HE?
O'Brien is so epic it looks like it's hurting him. He is so full of real talk – the realest talk – that it is poisoning his bloodstream. Look at his furrowed brow. Look how hard it furrows. Furrowing deeper, sterner and firmer still. James O'Brien's furrowed brow is so furrowed it is in danger of crushing his eyes, folding his nose in on itself and collapsing the top of his head into his mouth, until all that is left of his head is a wrinkled walnut of untouched truth.★ ★ ★ ★ ★WHO IS HE?
It's Mark from Peep Show! Except now he's rolling up his sleeves and getting down to the nitty-gritty work of some seriously epic rants. David Mitchell doesn't respond to current affairs. In fact, his last series of isolated rants, David Mitchell's Soapbox, came out some five or six years ago. Nevertheless, his raging monologues have an evergreen quality. Honestly, will his searing takedown of "talking on public transport" ever go out of fashion?HOW "YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW EPIC THIS RANT ABOUT APOSTROPHES IS" IS HE?
About as epic as Very British Problems.★ ★WHO IS HE?
Unless your idea of a good time is letting white nerds tell you the "true meaning of Islam", you might not have come across Paul Watson until earlier this week, when he made mild waves on Twitter by offering to pay travel and accommodation costs for any journalist prepared to stay in the "crime ridden migrant suburbs" of Malmo, Sweden. This was in response to Donald Trump's remarks about supposed incidents there, during his recent Florida rally. However, Watson – or "Prison Planet", to call him by his "makes u think" Twitter handle – has been at this game a while now.He is an exercise in semi-eloquent teenage angst. A very angry young man who probably shot a slither of ejaculate down his trouser leg when he first discovered you could defend fascism if you called it free speech and common sense. The sort of person who thinks it's OK not to let child refugees into the country because Gary Lineker's got two cars. Essentially, he is the far right's John Oliver, only without the affable but over-keen Apple Store employee vibe.HOW "THE TRUTH IS MORE EPIC THAN WHAT YOU HEAR ON THE BBC/CLINTON NEWS NETWORK" IS HE?
Paul Watson might have tricked some people into thinking he's a reactionary vigilante, but he's not. Paul Watson is every bloke who ever went out of his way to tell you how crappy he thinks Kanye West is. He's the weird cousin who ruined Monopoly that Christmas on some technicality he'd found online, only to call your mum a "fucking imbecile" when she suggested it was a draw. He thinks HBO has ruined Game of Thrones by forcing George RR Martin's hand and making him rush the far-superior books. He's the lad who stamped on your beyblade when you were eight. He's the Reddit commenter who thinks nightclubs are overcrowded cattle farms for cultureless meatheads happy to pay well over the odds to drink terrible drinks and shout conversations at each other, and girls just dress like that to get attention – they're not actually interested in having sex with anyone. He's the venn diagram of white supremacy and Minecraft made flesh. He also sounds and dresses like a smarmy IT technician.
Mark Blyth is a slightly unfair inclusion here, in that he's a published academic and the professor of political economy at Brown University, so when someone shares a video of his with the caption "This Scottish guy just destroyed the useless profligacy of austerity," you should probably listen. Deals out his wisdom with a quick, clipped Dundee accent. Potential flaw is perhaps lack of gags. Not many big laughs to be hand in the flawed logic of austerity. The Swabian Housewife skit left me particularly cold.HOW "EPIC PROFESSOR JUST TOLD THE MSM WHY IT'S WRONG WRONG WRONG" IS HE?
Too epic for most, to be honest. The sort of epicness that forces you recognise the EU as anti-democratic and makes you empathetic towards Trump voters. Not cuddly, shareable woke. Exhausting nuanced woke. Sad!★ ★ ★ ★ ★WHO IS HE?
Cheesed off news presenter Jonathan Pie is an outlier on our list – unless Prison Planet turns out to be an elaborate Lee Nelson prank – in that he's the only Viral Video Merchant who's a fictional character. Yet, despite being an act, the indignant words he spouts week in, week out are very real. Too real for some. The concept is basically that Pie finishes presenting the news, and then, once off air, lets rip with how he really feels. The result is an A level drama performance sure to send shockwaves straight to the White House.HOW "FAKE NEWSREADER GOES ON EPIC RANT ABOUT THE LEAVE CAMPAIGN'S LIES" IS HE?
In the words of your housemate from uni: "Chuffing genius!"★ ★WHO IS HE?
Sceneable is a small communist child. Judging by his videos his main priorities are distribution of wealth and social equality. Occasionally burps mid-rant which is a plus.HOW "WOAH THIS EPIC TODDLER(!!) JUST TOOK ON THE GOP AND IT WAS EVERYTHING" IS HE?
Yeah pretty epic, bar a couple of questionable ideas about welfare, but to be honest he's like seven years old.★ ★ ★ ★@a_n_g_u_s
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JOHN OLIVER
WHO IS HE?
John Oliver is a nice bloke and absolutely means well. His show is all about in-depth monologues about underreported issues and everything he does is well-researched and presented in an enthusiastic manner. Surely you can't have a go at someone who is getting people thinking and talking about things like net neutrality and multilevel marketing? Granted, watching his videos is a bit like getting stuck with that guy at the pub – he's nice, but he does go on a bit. And it's weird how he's really terrible at doing a British accent, even though he himself is British. But basically, a good egg.HOW "EPIC RANT THAT REVEALS THE TRUTH ABOUT FAKE NEWS" IS HE?
A bit like if Ask Jeeves had done a massive line of beak just before you searched something. Possibly seems more epic if you're American and think the Queen is adorable.★ ★ ★
JAMES O'BRIEN
LBC's resident lefty, James O'Brien is the worst telling off you ever had. You know how when you were a kid you were friends with one lad whose dad was somehow able to go absolutely fucking postal without ever raising his voice? How you'd go round this kid's house and feel a hot flash run down your back whenever his dad walked past the living room – leaping to accommodate him as soon as he asked you to turn the volume down on the telly because he could hear you playing James Bond Nightfire from his study?
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O'Brien is so epic it looks like it's hurting him. He is so full of real talk – the realest talk – that it is poisoning his bloodstream. Look at his furrowed brow. Look how hard it furrows. Furrowing deeper, sterner and firmer still. James O'Brien's furrowed brow is so furrowed it is in danger of crushing his eyes, folding his nose in on itself and collapsing the top of his head into his mouth, until all that is left of his head is a wrinkled walnut of untouched truth.★ ★ ★ ★ ★
DAVID MITCHELL
It's Mark from Peep Show! Except now he's rolling up his sleeves and getting down to the nitty-gritty work of some seriously epic rants. David Mitchell doesn't respond to current affairs. In fact, his last series of isolated rants, David Mitchell's Soapbox, came out some five or six years ago. Nevertheless, his raging monologues have an evergreen quality. Honestly, will his searing takedown of "talking on public transport" ever go out of fashion?
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About as epic as Very British Problems.★ ★
PAUL JOSEPH WATSON AKA PRISON PLANET
Unless your idea of a good time is letting white nerds tell you the "true meaning of Islam", you might not have come across Paul Watson until earlier this week, when he made mild waves on Twitter by offering to pay travel and accommodation costs for any journalist prepared to stay in the "crime ridden migrant suburbs" of Malmo, Sweden. This was in response to Donald Trump's remarks about supposed incidents there, during his recent Florida rally. However, Watson – or "Prison Planet", to call him by his "makes u think" Twitter handle – has been at this game a while now.He is an exercise in semi-eloquent teenage angst. A very angry young man who probably shot a slither of ejaculate down his trouser leg when he first discovered you could defend fascism if you called it free speech and common sense. The sort of person who thinks it's OK not to let child refugees into the country because Gary Lineker's got two cars. Essentially, he is the far right's John Oliver, only without the affable but over-keen Apple Store employee vibe.HOW "THE TRUTH IS MORE EPIC THAN WHAT YOU HEAR ON THE BBC/CLINTON NEWS NETWORK" IS HE?
Paul Watson might have tricked some people into thinking he's a reactionary vigilante, but he's not. Paul Watson is every bloke who ever went out of his way to tell you how crappy he thinks Kanye West is. He's the weird cousin who ruined Monopoly that Christmas on some technicality he'd found online, only to call your mum a "fucking imbecile" when she suggested it was a draw. He thinks HBO has ruined Game of Thrones by forcing George RR Martin's hand and making him rush the far-superior books. He's the lad who stamped on your beyblade when you were eight. He's the Reddit commenter who thinks nightclubs are overcrowded cattle farms for cultureless meatheads happy to pay well over the odds to drink terrible drinks and shout conversations at each other, and girls just dress like that to get attention – they're not actually interested in having sex with anyone. He's the venn diagram of white supremacy and Minecraft made flesh. He also sounds and dresses like a smarmy IT technician.
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MARK BLYTH
WHO IS HE?
Mark Blyth is a slightly unfair inclusion here, in that he's a published academic and the professor of political economy at Brown University, so when someone shares a video of his with the caption "This Scottish guy just destroyed the useless profligacy of austerity," you should probably listen. Deals out his wisdom with a quick, clipped Dundee accent. Potential flaw is perhaps lack of gags. Not many big laughs to be hand in the flawed logic of austerity. The Swabian Housewife skit left me particularly cold.HOW "EPIC PROFESSOR JUST TOLD THE MSM WHY IT'S WRONG WRONG WRONG" IS HE?
Too epic for most, to be honest. The sort of epicness that forces you recognise the EU as anti-democratic and makes you empathetic towards Trump voters. Not cuddly, shareable woke. Exhausting nuanced woke. Sad!★ ★ ★ ★ ★
JONATHAN PIE
Cheesed off news presenter Jonathan Pie is an outlier on our list – unless Prison Planet turns out to be an elaborate Lee Nelson prank – in that he's the only Viral Video Merchant who's a fictional character. Yet, despite being an act, the indignant words he spouts week in, week out are very real. Too real for some. The concept is basically that Pie finishes presenting the news, and then, once off air, lets rip with how he really feels. The result is an A level drama performance sure to send shockwaves straight to the White House.HOW "FAKE NEWSREADER GOES ON EPIC RANT ABOUT THE LEAVE CAMPAIGN'S LIES" IS HE?
In the words of your housemate from uni: "Chuffing genius!"
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SCENEABLE
Sceneable is a small communist child. Judging by his videos his main priorities are distribution of wealth and social equality. Occasionally burps mid-rant which is a plus.HOW "WOAH THIS EPIC TODDLER(!!) JUST TOOK ON THE GOP AND IT WAS EVERYTHING" IS HE?
Yeah pretty epic, bar a couple of questionable ideas about welfare, but to be honest he's like seven years old.★ ★ ★ ★@a_n_g_u_s