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Rosé Is the Drake of All Wine

I wouldn’t normally put Drake and rosé in the same thought, but when I accidentally did, I realized that they are very similar. Despite their extreme rise in popularity, they are still polarizing.

by Marissa A. Ross
May 25 2015, 7:08pm

I wouldn't normally put Drake and rosé in the same thought, but when I accidentally did, I realized that they are very similar. Despite their extreme rise in popularity, they are still polarizing.

People either spend all damn night pouring bottles of it in the corner as you sing its praises for an hour and a half, or they think you have a pussy for drinking it. And much like how Drake isn't just sentimental about his lyrics lifted from Take Care, rosé is not just a pink, sweet, trash bag wine that only grandmas and girls drink.

You know how people bring up that Drake was Wheelchair Jimmy? That is like rosé and white zinfandel. Yes, Drake is Wheelchair Jimmy and yes, white zinfandel is rosé. But that is just one thing rosé did! White zin. has been fucking with rosé's rep since the 1970s. Sutter Home started producing it on accident when they had a problem with their fermentation system, and then—for some reason—people loved it. People still love it: 85 percent of zinfandel grapes are grown for white zinfandel. And it's fine if you like it. What's not fine, however, is to write off all rosés because you think one style tastes like off-brand gas station candy. Or write off someone's career because dude was on Degrassi a decade or whatever ago.

READ MORE: Drake and The Ultimate Rap Boast: The Things I Can't Change Are the Reason You Love Me

And as for the people who don't like rosé because it's pink and subsequently "girly," that is some deep-seeded gender role shit that I don't have a degree to write about. It's probably why you also have problems with Drake's verses that touch on emotions you've buried under years of whatever being "manly" means. I don't have a degree for that either, so I will say that you should try rosé and if you still don't like it, that's chill. At least then you can say "I don't like it" rather than "Fuck no, that's a girl's drink!" so you don't sound like such an asshole. Besides, rosés aren't just pink: The color is based entirely on how long the skins are left in the wine, and has absolutely nothing to do with how feminine it is.

As for the people who don't like rosé because it's pink and "girly," that is some deep-seeded gender role shit that I don't have a degree to write about. It's probably why you also have problems with Drake's verses that touch on emotions you've buried under years of whatever being "manly" means.

Once you get over that shit, you're going to find that one Drake song that gets your shoulders leaning in ways you never thought they could. And the one rosé that could also get you leaning in ways you never thought you could, because rosés are all-purpose, warm weather pleasures.

READ MORE: Can You Trust Your Sommelier?

Most people think rosé is one type of wine, but it isn't from one grape or one region. They are their own category like "red wine" or "white wine." They can be made from almost any type of grape, making for countless different styles, and are often blends of many varietals. It is likely that you can find a rosé that fits your palate and it will greatly enhance your summer, whether you're pairing it with BBQ or just trying to forget about the fact your air-conditioning is broken. And although I can't help you find your Drake song (Noisey probably has an article for that), I can help you find your rosé.

The only thing you really need to do when buying this stuff is to decide whether you want a sweet or dry rosé.

If you like sweet, then white zinfandel, white merlot, and garnacha rosados are your jam.

If you like dry and fruity/floral, check out Provence, pinot noir, grenache, mourvedre, carginan, cinsault and sangiovese rosés.

If you like dry and savory, get at Loire, cabernet franc, cabernet sauvignon, tempranillo. and syrah rosés.

But if you like dry and salty, try some gamay rosés (which are my personal If You're Reading This It's Too Late in terms of Drake love).

And if that is a little much for you and you're all Tina from Bob's Burgers staring at a wine list (AHHHHHH), just order something from France. You'll be good. Also, take into consideration that rosés are fresh wines that needs to be popped ASAP. This isn't some shit you should be willy-nilly pulling out of a relative's cellar. It is (generally) made to be consumed within two years of production, so check the year.

No one needs to ruin a perfectly good Sunday with strawberry vinegar.

So please give rosé a chance. I wish I had something more poetic to say, but alas, I am not Drake. I'm just a woman who has spent the last 36 hours sitting on a couch in Los Angeles drinking rosés and listening to Drake, trying to figure out a way to help you live your life better. AND ROSE AND DRAKE IS THE ANSWER.