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Tech by VICE

Bluetooth, Unmicrowaveable SmartPlates Are Here to Ruin Dinner

A Kickstarter is here to bring "ambient data collection happening in a seamless way" to your dining room.

by Jason Koebler
May 4 2015, 9:28pm

Image: Fitly

Are you sick of plates that don't require batteries, Bluetooth, and a wifi connection? The SmartPlate™ from Fitly™ is what you need.

Set to occupy a spot alongside your Vessyl smart cup in a box of things you'll give away to Goodwill in 2018 or so, the SmartPlate is a food analyzing quantified gizmomabob that hooks up to your Smartphone so smart people like you can eat smart.

The SmartPlate™ is a tri-divided plate with a "portable, microwaveable lid" because the plate itself is not microwaveable because it has circuits and wifi chips and scales and other things that are generally not present in plates. That's what makes it smart.

The SmartPlate™ allows for "ambient data collection happening in a seamless way" according to Fitly founder Anthony Ortiz.

The SmartPlate™'s three sections have cameras and scales underneath them that purport to be able to detect exactly what it is that you're eating and how much of it you're eating. It will, through some sort of technology(?) be able to tell how much protein, fat, sodium, carbs, and calories are in any food, using a picture and the weight.

The SmartPlate™ can tell the difference between wheat bread and white bread. The SmartPlate™ will constantly be connecting to the USDA's "database of over 8,000 household foods," because the SmartPlate™ is not actually smart but hey don't you want your dining experience to be more connected and don't you want your dinnerware to be consistently pinging the federal government?

The SmartPlate™ will also connect to "another database" that hosts 300,000 SKUs and over 100,000 restaurant meals because your Tinder date will DEFINITELY go on another date with you if you bring your very own SmartPlate™ to dinner.

The SmartPlate™ will know whether your broccoli was sautéed in butter or oil or burnt a little bit because the SmartPlate™ is so Smart™ that it's achieved the singularity and will not only help you lose weight, but will also become so Smart™ as to eventually enslave any DumbPlates™ that you may have deigned to keep in your cabinet.

The SmartPlate™ is a Kickstarter because of course it's a Kickstarter. You can buy 30 SmartPlates™ for $5,000 if you act now. You can buy one SmartPlate™ for $99.

The SmartPlate™ is not going to ship until summer 2016 at the very earliest so I hope you don't have any pressing needs to start eating Smart until then.