Mason Plumlee Got Absolutely Wrecked in the Balls

There will be a type of person out there who tell you that you should not laugh or take any pleasure from Mason "The Plumlord" Plumlee getting straight kicked in the nuts by Markieff Morris last night. Please, cut this sort of person out of your life. The idea that getting kicked in the nuts is somehow not funny has its roots in patriarchy, plain and simple. The testicle, the center of male reproduction, the very source of maleness itself, is not a sacred organ like these patriarchs claim. It is a big ol' stupid floppy bag full of exposed nerves, a tragicomic design flaw that doubles as a funhouse full of hilarious yuks just sitting and waiting for a foot, or, in this case, a shinbone, to unlock their hilarious pleasures for all the world to point and laugh.

Really, when you think about it, Mason Plumlee getting kicks in the nards is beautiful and truthful. Really, when you think about it, it's the reason we watch sports in the first place.

This public nut-kicking is merely the tip of the dickberg for Plumlee's recent misfortunes. After starting for most of the year in Portland, where his lackluster defense grated on fans and his marginal talent for passing was swamped amid a broader squad-wide malaise, he was traded to the Nuggets and slid into a bench role behind beautiful big Serbian boy Nikola Jokić.

To make matters worse for our big-faced-big-boy Mase, the Blazers have found new life and a new reason for living with Jusuf Nurkić, who has provided a nasty defensive edge the Blazers have been looking for since, like, 2002 or so. The entire Pacific Northwest is ablaze with Nurkmania, loving his sky high blocks, his giant dad, and his aggro possessive girlfriend.

Meanwhile, poor Mason, once clothed in so much Dukely glory, toils out the end of his contract in the mile high city, inspiring no one and only generating news when he gets rocked in the nuts.

Really, it's very sad.

Morris, by the way, was assessed a flagrant two and ejected. He claimed, post game, that "I didn't know I kicked him in the nuts," and said that the league "…better not suspend me for that bullshit." We will keep you posted, of course.