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I'm Honestly Surprised It Took This Long to Make 'Metal Gear Solid V' Porn

Amazingly, Solid Snake wasn't a porn actor's name already.

by Leif Johnson
Feb 6 2017, 7:54pm

One of the main characters of 2015's hit game Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is Quiet, a badass sniper who sashays through modern desert battlefields wearing little more than ripped stockings and a teensy bikini top. Why? What follows is one of the most ridiculous justifications for sexualized depictions to date—according to Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima, it's because she can only breathe through her skin, and thus the skimpiness lets her freely soak in air and water through her curves.

Naturally the porn network Brazzers thought this was a fantastic idea for a porn parody.

They're calling the resulting creative achievement (but of course) Metal Rear Solid: The Phantom Peen, and it'll be available for Solid Snakes everywhere on Wednesday, February 8. In it, porn star Casey Calvert dons (and likely soon removes) the thongs and straps of Quiet—known here by the copyright-friendly name of "Tushy"—while an eyepatched Charles Dera plays "Boss," a stand-in for Snake that's about as subtle as the plot.

It's cheesy as hell, but it's worth a smirk for Metal Gear V fans if only for the little details, which extend right down to attacks on outposts and making goats and other critters hang from balloons.

There's definitely a niche for this type of thing, if the sexualization of Quiet didn't already tip you off, but it usually manifests itself in fan-made animated creations such as scenes with the crew from Blizzard Entertainment's shooter Overwatch trading their usual team combat for some intimate one-on-one action. It's likely no accident that Brazzers followed up last summer's rapid demand for Overwatch porn with its own parody called Oversnatch in September and then another spoofing Call of Duty. The network's even started filming "Let's Play" videos featuring famous porn stars and embarrassed married nerds.

After all this, I'm left wondering why they haven't tackled The Witcher 3. Too easy?