Who Would Win in a Fight: Ant or Dec?

No, the important question is this: who would win in a fight between Ant and Dec? We don't ask this enough. We live in a world where Ant and Dec exist in a uneasy alliance, where the Ant–Dec treaty has not yet descended into violence, where we can exploit the fractious relationship between them and turn it, alchemy-like, into slick high definition Saturday night TV. But some day the peace will end, and we need to be prepared for it. We need to know what side we are on when The Great War begins. We need to know what side we are on when Ant starts punching Dec.

Some simple truths I think we can all agree on re: Ant, Dec:

— Ant and Dec, like conjoined twins or heartbroken animals, will die within hours of each other, even if one (say, Dec) is previously healthy and symptomless, and the other (Ant) is sick and feeble and damaged, even if this happens, somehow Dec's heart will slow and stop beating, the will to live much longer will escape him, and they will be buried together in a crypt, Ant on the left and Dec on the right, just like always, buried in their little suits, instead of 'amen' at the service the vicar will say 'haway';

— So whoever wins this fight (the fight is to the death), they will both, one way or another, expire by the end of it;

— Ant and Dec are national fucking treasures and it's actually baffling they've not been knighted yet, they've been consistently the best presenter duo in the UK for like 20 years now, I mean I don't really agree with the honours system as a whole but Ant? And Dec? Clearly knighthoods waiting to happen, clearly knight them, why are we even talking about this;

— Ant needs Dec; Dec does not need Ant.

So we have our four base truths. A lot of people argue the fourth point – 'Ant and Dec are in a symbiotic relationship!' they say, 'Dec winds through Ant and Ant wind through Dec, they have the same blood, the same heart, they need each other like the flower needs the bee,' but no. Dec could, feasibly, host a Saturday night entertainment show on his own. Like: say Ant fell ill, short notice, and they needed to do Saturday Night Takeaway, Dec could do it. Ant, with his big bulbous Krang-skull, could not. It's just not what people want to see. So that's point four.

But obviously the question is 'why would Ant and Dec fight?'. Why would Ant and Dec fight? The only three reasons men fight are 'women', 'one of the men has taken exception to some playful banter and decided it was mortally offensive1' and 'football'. Point one: it can't be a woman, both Ant and Dec are married and they are both better than that, plus if they were going to fight over a lady it would have been during the Cat Deeley era, so: no. It is also presumed that, having known each other since the Byker Grove days, they both know each others' exact limits: Dec knows not to mention the forehead, Ant knows to leave every haircut Dec has ever had alone, they know what buttons to press and not to press, they cannot banter each other over the cliff of fisticuffs. And that only leaves the third option, football, so let's assume Dec said "I never actually rated Nobby Solano" and Ant has gone full radge – we're talking tops off, charging at him with everything he's got, his blood is spiking and he's roaring himself hoarse, Ant is going for his neck, Ant is punching to kill, they are locked in a dual and only one of them is walking away.

The winner is going to be Ant.

Here's why:

Ant has the superior height (5'8" vs. Dec's lowly 5' 6") meaning he has the crucial reach advantage over his tiny peer, and also longer legs (for kicking), superior weight (crushing, smothering) and bigger forehead (headbutting).

We all know Ant has the larger, more imposing forehead that Dec (and, indeed, any man alive: there is no more a terrifying forehead on earth than Ant McPartlin's forehead). But how much more powerful is Ant's forehead than Dec's forehead? I can tell you with maths.

IN WHICH WE CALCULATE THE ATTACKING FORCE OF ANT McPARTLIN'S FOREHEAD

I asked my friend Paul, a legit maths lecturer, to help w/ calculations. Firstly: to calculate the size of Ant's forehead compared to Dec's, he took a print out of the two foreheads from a photo taken at the same scale, cut the foreheads out, and weighed them. This gave us the starting figure in grams, or g: Ant has a 0.78g forehead, and Dec has a 0.64g forehead (these figures are a mostly arbitrary starting point).

Thus:

"Ant's head is 21.9% bigger. The calculation for that is 0.78-0.64 (the difference) divided by 0.64 (Dec's head)"

And so:

"For headbutting, I've used some pretty wild assumptions. I've gone on the assumption that Ant's head also weights 21.9% more than Dec's. I've also factored in that Ant is 5cm taller than Dec to calculate his headbutt force comparative to Dec.

"To calculate force in headbutts, we go by Newtons (weight x gravity) multiplied by height. If we give Dec a head weight of 1 unit and a height of 1 unit he can headbutt you with a force of 1 unit (1 x1). Compared to Dec, Ant has a headweight of 1.219 and a height of 1.03. This multiplies together to make a headbutt factor of 1.26. Meaning Ant could nut you 26% harder than Dec."

Look into the eyes of Dec. Now look into the eyes of Ant. Dec. Back to Ant again. Now Dec. I'm going to ask you to do it again even though I know you don't want to: look into the eyes of Ant again. Is that a man that fears the reaper, fears the abyss? It is not. Ant McPartlin will face the inky blackness with a roar of triumph. There will be no fear. And that's what gives him a crucial edge in a fight to the death with Dec: it doesn't matter if his body is tattered and ruined in the exertion, as long as he wins, as long as he conquers. When you see Ant cheerily and smoothly compering Text Santa, you think nothing of him: he's a glass of water, a clean window, he is the oil that keeps the gears turning without you noticing it's there. But now look closer at him, from another angle: Ant could fuck you up, couldn't he? Look at that grin. That is the grin of a man who knows he can defeat the other half of him. We often say our greatest enemy is ourselves: the one foe we must always defeat, always overcome, if we are going to progress. But Ant's other half of him is another human being entirely. Ant's greatest enemy is Dec. And look at him. He can beat him. He knows he can beat him. He is always ready to beat the shit out of him.

I mean this is all moot because they're both worth £62 million and, should they ever truly have to fight, they could probably get multi-million pound robot surrogates to do the punching and dying for them, but still: it's good to know. It is always good to know that Ant could fuck Dec up.

@joelgolby

1. This is the reason behind 80% of male fighting. I can guarantee you this. You go to any town in England on a Friday night at kicking out time and it's just a load of hench lads in size S T-shirts suddenly flipping out at a 'your mum' joke even though they have been making 'your mum' jokes themselves relentlessly for hours, and just ruining the vibe entirely by squaring up to their best mate in the world and going, "what the fuck you saying that for, Dean?" and all the rest of the lads have to calm him down and take him to a separate kebab shop where he can spin his shoulders out and go "HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP". It's not detailed in any great scriptures but I'd posit most ancient wars were actually started by one lad misjudging the mood and saying, like, "Theseus, you can't talk, your ex was a right slag".↩

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