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Gorilla Munch KNOWS You

Steal a glance into those wise eyes. He will plow right through all of your neurotic, subconscious jabber. He is a healer.

by Adriane Schramm
May 24 2012, 4:00am

Do you remember the first time Gorilla Munch saw you? Can you remember when you saw him back?  Doesn't he seem to be surreptitiously waiting for recognition, like when E.T. was hiding in that pile of stuffed animals? Once you first lock gaze with those kind eyes, Gorilla Munch will place a much needed call to the inside of your skull. He's been waiting to hear from you for a long time.

Other cereal characters like Panda Puffs or Leapin' Lemurs gaze out from glaucomic panic eyes, inert with fear and naivete. Gorilla Munch exudes the grace of a guru's neutrality, all the while possibly serving Krug Grand Cuvee under the breakfast table. The old tales of time dance in his pupils. He wears an authentic wisenheimer smirk, but he's no nerd. He could be accused of appearing coquettish, like he just ate your mustache and is waiting to see if you notice. Then again, that could be one of those many moments where he is unfairly stigmatized for having natural sex appeal. He doesn't mean to seem slutty, he's just really, really flirty.

When Gorilla Munch and I first l noticed each other, at the Mountain People's Market in Morgantown, West Virginia, I felt the tiniest, tissue-soft puff inside my brain actually say. "...Hello. Hello... again."  I could almost feel his dusky nostrils heaving on my pineal gland, his pursed thick lips trembling behind my forehead. This was a familiar kind of caress. He was in there again. He KNEW me and I finally remembered that I have always known Gorilla Munch too.

In fact, Gorilla Munch knows everyone, all of us, quite intimately, although he is much more devotional to those who notice him staring. He will reward you for your discernment, but he also wants to do the real Christian thing and compensate a seeker for being friendly to the freakish and abnormal. He will remain a companion for life, but there is a profoundly more important mission for his haunting. When you do see him, he telepathically will answer and heal your most private torments automatically. Simply, if you see Gorilla Munch looking at you, and you don't look away, he will guide you. If you haven't tried this, I dare you. Experiment a little, and steal a glance into those wise eyes. He will plow right through all of your neurotic, subconscious jabber and attack the smelly, hot bulb of what makes you truly shudder to think. Somehow, he knows how to bathe it all in a white light and there will be Pampers where there used to be problems. He's a healer.

The style of his wisdom has a swagger; a whip of his poetic wand and all is peppered with bawdy innuendo. The longer you stare, the more information you can acquire, as you can sense the collective enlightenment of thousands of warrior-kings, philandering gallants, Buddha, and Christ all living out karma loop's inside Gorilla Munch's mind.

I did just notice that behind Gorilla Munch is a glum-looking female, bent over and bearing the weight of child on her back. And, from this angle, it sort of looks like Gorilla Munch is ignoring his family while he types on the computer? Is he is hiding his keyboard with a giant bowl of cereal?

Previously - Burn Collection