Republicantics - The Violence Against Women Crap

Hello, my fellow conservatrons! In a great big win for all of us on the Right, the most glorious and wonderful news of all time has emerged from Congress: the 1994 Violence Against Women Act might not be reauthorized! Hooray! Huzzah! It's yet another victory for us small-government types who hate big-government waste and nanny state legislation like, you know, a historically popular bill that protected women and girls from getting the shit beaten out of them by unknown predators and intimate partners alike.

Now, you might say to yourself, "Really? In 2012 there's actually going to be a battle in Congress over the passage of the fucking Violence Against Women Act? The Republican War on Women has gotten so disgustingly huge and awful and ridiculous that even this is a battle? Are you kidding me? Who are these monsters running what is supposed to be the greatest, most free country on the entire planet? How dare these jerks stands in judgment of other nations' treatment of women when they refuse to take steps to ensure safety and security for females on American soil? And what the fuck do these bastard people hate so much about women!?!?!?!?!?!"

But if you said that, you'd obviously be a liberal, and liberals do not read VICE.com, the greatest conservative website of all time. There's always a story behind the headlines, and as your GOP analyst, it's my job to bring it to you. Now let's go over to that Communist blog, the Washington Post, to find out what they've got to say about this:

The new VAWA expands the definition of who is covered by specifying that a person cannot be denied abuse services based on sexual orientation or gender identity, or that of the abuser. Another new provision would increase the number of American visas for illegal-immigrant victims who assist in the prosecution of their abuser, while additional language would give tribal courts more power in domestic abuse cases.

Democrats who drafted the expanded bill say that American communities have changed since VAWA was written in 1994 and that the legislation has to keep pace. Among the country’s 9 million gay men and lesbians, domestic abuse occurs at about the same rate as it does among heterosexual couples.

See? The rumblings of disapproval among Congressional Republicans have nothing to do with a deep-seated, widespread hatred of women, but rather a deep-seated, widespread hatred of minorities in general. That's because Republicans are devoted to equality, just like our patron saint, Abraham Lincoln!

As you and I well know, a move to ensure protection is extended to American Indians, undocumented immigrants, and LGBTQ folks would be unconstitutional. Why? Because the Constitution protects the rights of people, and any good right-winger will tell you that Injuns, aliens, and Sapphists/Sodomites are not people. Here are the reasons that good conservatives like me do not regard these individuals as humans: their ancestors were on this continent too early; they do not have penises; they have not had the correct numbered document rubber-stamped by the correct sub-sub-office of the correct bureaucratic institution; they do not speak American; and/or they are interested in a loving, long-term emotional and physical partnership with a person of the same sex.

Understand this principle, and you will understand the entirety of the modern conservative Republican mentality: it's not that we deny human rights, we simply deny that some "people" are humans. Note that I said "conservative Republican," because as per usual there are some RINOs who refuse to toe the new party line:

The Senate will take up the legislation this week, when VAWA is scheduled to come up for a vote. The bill has the support of 61 senators, with all Democrats supporting it, along with eight Republicans, including Sens. Susan Collins (Maine), Scott Brown (Mass.) and Olympia J. Snowe (Maine).

This Gang of Eight, led by the monsters from the M states, flies in the face of all that is good and noble about today's Republican Party. My beloved conservatrons, let us turn our attention away from the question of whether one undocumented immigrant brutally beating his illegal immigrant wife qualifies as domestic violence  or just wacky hijinks, and let's focus on the more important task at hand: intimidating and castigating those few remaining Republicans willing to stand up for women and minorities. If we could just convince them all to take Snowe's lead and retire, this country would finally be a true conservative paradise.

Previously - Equal Pay for Equal Jerks

@SaraJBenincasa