My First Year As Prime Minister Of Australia By Tony

Image by Ben Thomson

For those upset at our declining manufacturing industry, I have good news to report: as of September 2014, we are leading the world in think pieces about Tony Abbott’s first year in office. In fact, if we were to burn them all, we could power David Marr for two full years without ever having to plug him in.

All of these pieces have, rather predictably, focused on the negative. So I snapchatted with my good friend Tony—we were in the seminary together—to ask for his response.

He was understandably upset at how his various portfolios and commitments had been represented, and agreed to take me through each of them, step-by-step, to address his critics. I’ll turn you over to him:

Tony Abbott (bike enthusiast, Prime Minister)

The past twelve months have been tremendously successful for my government, which I own. We are cleaning up Labor’s mess probably, and have tackled every major portfolio with gusto and consistency. If you don’t believe me, let me prove it using words.

As Prime Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, I have taken great cares to address the main concern of indigenous Australians. I first discovered what their main concern was after I said last month that Australia had been “unsettled” before the arrival of the First Fleet, and they all got upset. Given how every Aboriginal person I try to converse with seems incredibly unsettled, I’d say this was an apt description. But in addition to putting an end to all unannounced boat arrivals, I have also attempted to make peace with our indigenous colleagues by putting a halt to a major infrastructure project (the NBN), and have not begun any others.

As the Infrastructure Prime Minister, I have invested heavily in many projects. Not financially, as we’re in the middle of a Budget Emergency, but emotionally. I am emotionally committed to building lots of new roads. Roads are incredibly important. As you’ll no doubt recall from my book Battlelines: “For too long, policymakers have ranked motorists just above heavy drinkers or smokers as social pariahs… They’re citizens going to work, doing the shopping, taking the kids to school.”

Many have assumed that my commitment to roads means that I am against public transport, simply because I’ve described it as “slow, expensive, not especially reliable, and a hideous drain on the public purse”. And sure, I may have de-funded a lot of public transport projects in my first year in office and refused to put up money for others, but don’t forget my interview with the ABC’s Marian Wilkinson, in which I said: “I, I, I, I am all in favour ah of public transport, but it's got to be appropriate public transport and I just make the point that if we are going to have better public transport, we need better infrastructure and better roads are certainly a big part of that.” I think that speaks for itself.

As a Prime Minister in Her Majesty’s Government, I have made every effort to maintain the integrity of the Commonwealth. Faced with the terrifying prospect of Scottish independence, I told The Times: “I think that the people who would like to see the break-up of the United Kingdom are not the friends of justice, not the friends of freedom, and that the countries that would cheer at the prospect of the break-up with the United Kingdom are not the countries whose company one would like to keep.” As a world leader, it was my responsibility to let them know they were doing the wrong thing.

As a Prime Minister well versed in international affairs, I know that it’s important I not interfere with the private matters of other countries. When challenged on the fact that uranium sold to India may find its way into nuclear weapons, I said: “It’s not our job to tell India how to conduct its internal affairs.” It’s only nuclear weapons, for goodness sake! It’s not like they’re trying to secede from the British empire. India would never do that.

As a Prime Minister faced with a Budget Emergency, I have cut back on unnecessary spending in luxury sectors such as “health” and “education”. The medical co-payment will take the burden off struggling governments, and deregulating tertiary fees will take the burden off struggling universities. We simply do not have the money to waste on frivolities such as these.

As a Prime Minister in charge of one of the most prosperous nations on Earth, I have pledged to invest a quarter of a billion dollars for school chaplains, and will give $200 to married couples for counselling. The school chaplains thing is a bit of an in-joke between me and Christopher Pyne, a sort-of you-had-to-be-there thing, so don’t worry about it too much. But the married couples is real. Studies are showing that women just gots to have it, and we need to do something about that. Women need to be kept in place.

As the Minister for Women, I have described myself as a feminist, which in itself is half the battle. Quite literally if you tally up my record. And for those criticising the gender imbalance in my cabinet, I’d remind you that one hundred percent of my Minister for Foreign Affairs is a woman. I have also supported those in the phone sex industry by winking supportively when speaking with them on the phone. Not like that. On the radio. Look, Jon Faine was there, okay? Ask him.

As a Prime Minister devoted to reducing bureaucracy, I have pledged to reduce red tape. This will save Australians more than $700 million each year, and untie the hands of businesses and traders. Red tape is a scourge that does more harm than good, you know.

As a Prime Minister committed to the well-being of Australian citizens, I will ensure that the previous government is held to account over the pink batts scheme, which tragically resulted in a number of fatalities. Clearly, there wasn’t enough oversight on the project and everything was rushed through. You know what we need? More red tape. And before you criticise me for this stance, I’d remind you that nobody should die on the government’s watch.

As a Prime Minister dedicated to stopping illegal immigrants, the number of asylum seekers in detention has been reduced by two on my watch. I took office promising to stop the boats, and I’d invite you to count the number of boat arrivals we’ve been willing to announce. After all, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? Similarly, if a boat arrives and nobody admits it, did it really arrive? I asked Scott Morrison this and he told me to fuck off.

As a Prime Minister sworn to an open an honest government, I have abolished the Office of the Australian Information Commissioner. I’d tell you why, but no one’s compelling me to. TONY OUT.

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