LGBTQ

I Ripped My Skin Off While Trying to Flatten My Breasts. Now I Help Others So They Don’t.

For many queer people, binding is a significant – and even euphoria-inducing – process. But one transmasculine artist is starting a conversation where none yet exists.
Pallavi Pundir
Jakarta, ID
transmasculinity, LGBTQ, queer, binding, India
Binding is a process that involves using fabric to constrict the breasts and make one appear flat-chested. Photo for representational purpose only, via Getty Images.

When they were 19, Kris Chudawala realised their breasts didn’t quite feel right. 

This was just two years after they had come out as queer to the world and their family. As someone coming to terms with their transmasculinity – an umbrella term for people who are assigned female at birth but identify with masculinity – Chudawala was in the process of understanding what felt right about their body, and what didn’t. 

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“At 17, when I came out as queer, I finally began to understand my identity better through exposure to the queer community, which is otherwise difficult in the conservative society we live in,” the 24-year-old from Mumbai, India, told VICE. “This is when I started experimenting.”

They first cut their long hair into a short bob, which they cut even shorter later. “I was figuring out how to feel affirmed in ways that were safe and temporary so I could easily change it up if needed. It was a gradual process to slowly build confidence in myself,” they said. Then came the shirts, but they found having a bigger chest meant shirts didn’t fit well enough. “It just didn’t feel right. That's when I felt like I would feel better with a flatter chest, but it seemed difficult at that time.”

So, they started researching. They went from YouTube videos to reading up on how to bind a chest effectively. Binding is a process that involves using fabric to constrict the breasts and make one appear flat-chested. In India, medical knowledge about the practice barely exists. There is no national data, survey or anecdotal evidence of binding experiences either.

“It just didn’t feel right. That's when I felt like I would feel better with a flatter chest, but it seemed difficult at that time.”

Like most queer Indians, Chudawala then turned to DIY methods. 

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They first tried wearing sports bras a size too small. “I could barely breathe after two–three hours,” they said. Then they tried athletic tapes that compress muscles or bones and are usually used by athletes in areas near joints. “Technically, they’re skin-friendly. But the breast skin is very sensitive. I tried it just once and it didn't work out because of my large chest. It also peeled some of my skin off." 

They contemplated binding their chest with crepe bandages, too, but online research revealed that was the worst. “So many people I know use crepe bandages, and it can actually be life-threatening,” said Chudawala. “Young trans people risk breaking their bones.”

In 2018, they came across a trans-owned company in the U.S. called gc2b, which has also been promoted by celebrities such as Emma Corrin from the British show The Crown. Among other things, they sell patented binders made from a blend of cotton, nylon and spandex, with double panels that allow comfortable compression. Their users rate these bingers high on quality, fit and, most significantly, the ease of compression. On the company’s international page, they cost around Rs 4,300 ($57.45).

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transmasculinity, LGBTQ, queer, binding, India

Kris Chudawala started "The Binder Fund" last year with friends, and now aims to sensitise Indians about binding, especially in a safe way. Photo via Kris Chudawala

“I can’t possibly explain the happiness I felt when I wore those binders and looked at myself for the first time,” they said. “You know when you look at yourself in the mirror, your side profile, and that feeling that you look so beautiful – handsome, rather? Seeing yourself the way you want to really be is a very affirmative experience for any trans person. And I experienced the joy of that.”

“Seeing yourself the way you want to really be is a very affirmative experience for any trans person. And I experienced the joy of that.”

Learning from their experience, Chudawala now reaches out to others in their community to fill the gap in the market and healthcare industry. 

Last year, Chudawala, along with a group of friends, started “The Binder Fund,” a crowdfunding project that encourages people to donate money so they can sponsor binders, an expensive and limited commodity in India. 

But this is just the beginning of a larger conversation. “In India, queer conversations are still stuck on awareness for trans folks, and so on,” said Chudawala. “We’ve not reached a point where dysphoria is taken seriously. This project is to promote safe practices for young people and support them.” 

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Last year, Chudawala started “The Binder Fund,” a crowdfunding project that encourages people to donate money so they can sponsor binders. Photo: Sehaj Kaur

A 2016 landmark survey by The Binding Health Project – comprising 1,800 respondents from across the world but mainly the U.S. – found that most queer participants saw binding as “a positive experience,” which “led to improvements in mood and self-esteem, minimized gender dysphoria, anxiety, and depression, and helped them to feel in control of their bodies.”

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The report added: "In fact, some reported that a positive impact on emotional and behavioural health makes the physical discomfort of binding worth it.” Over half of the respondents bound their chests everyday, with people binding for an average of 10 hours a day.

The psychological relief offered by wearing a binder often outweighs the medical risks. The survey by The Binding Health Project had found that duct tape or plastic wrap – materials that people are commonly advised against binding with – were associated with 13 of the 28 side effects.

“We’ve not reached a point where dysphoria is taken seriously. This project is to promote safe practices for young people and support them.”

Yet, in a 2016 report, many queer interviewees from the U.K. told VICE how they bind regardless of the risks involved. 

"Binding is a part of daily life for many, but it can have negative impacts on your physical health – ranging from minor to severe – across a wide range of symptoms, from pain in different parts of your body, to shortness of breath, to bruising or other skin changes," researcher Sarah Peitzmeier told VICE in the same interview. 

Unsafe binding is also known to cause everything from broken bones to punctured lungs. In one interview, Durga Gawde, a Mumbai-based drag king, said that binding is not easy. “It takes so long, and if I do it wrong, I can fracture my ribs,” said Gawde. 

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But the risk of physiological damage from binding is worth taking for those who feel trapped in the wrong body.

“Dysphoria can be very crippling,” said Chudawala. “We have our own perceptions of feminine and masculine. And it feeds into our self-image. As a trans person not feeling comfortable in your own body is a traumatizing experience.” 

In India and other countries, too, similar crowdfunding drives by queer organisations and individuals are triggered by the lack of resources and awareness. So far, Chudawala’s project has gifted binders to 15 gender non-conforming people across the country. 

“As a trans person not feeling comfortable in your own body is a traumatizing experience.”

Sam, a non-binary college student from the city of Pune, who prefers using only their first name, told VICE that finding identity-affirming tools such as binders can reduce the sense of alienation and loneliness that most queer Indians face.

Dysphoria, said Sam, could be triggered by small things, like being made to wear traditional Indian clothes during festivals, or gendered school uniforms. When that happened to Sam, they would try to hide their body by wearing loose clothes, or borrowing their father’s large-sized Nehru jackets to hide their chest. 

“There were times when I would want to wear something but the moment I’d wear it, I wouldn’t like it because of the way my body looked,” said Sam, who was also contemplating gender confirmation surgery – an expensive and dangerous option for many queer Indians

Last year, Sam reached out to Chudawala’s project and asked for a binder. “When I wear binders, I feel free. I feel like myself,” said Sam.

Follow Pallavi Pundir on Twitter.