‘Doom’ Voxel Mod Reveals the Cyberdemon’s Totally Passable Ass

After 29 years of desperate investigation and modding, a foundational truth of gaming history has been revealed: the Cyberdemon from Doom has a totally passable ass. Some may claim to you that it has a great ass, and they would be wrong. You may like its ass, but it is not truly great. I know this, because I am a woman with no ass. And, as a lesbian, I am able to judge the Cyberdemon from a distance, eyes unclouded by thirst.

This particular incarnation of the Cyberdemon comes from Voxel Doom, a mod which converts the sprites of every object and monster in the original Doom into 3D voxels. This allows a 3D version of the game to retain the charm and feel of the original Doom. Voxels are, in extremely simplified terms, the pixels of 3D space. They are tiny cubes whose position is determined by the relational position of other nearby voxels. Voxels are frequently used for deformable terrain, pixel-art aesthetics, and complex rendering techniques like raytracing. For Voxel Doom, they’re an easy way to translate a 2D game into full 3D space.

This transition into 3D space has allowed Voxel Doom to give a new perspective on Doom’s extremely recognizable cast of demons. The Cacaodemon’s…weird hole now has depth. The many imps now look appropriately fetish-y. And, yes, the Cyberdemon has a noticeable ass. Noticeable, yes, but excellent? No. Not at all.

The Cyberdemon is a hulking beast of muscle and bone. Its biceps are feet thick. Its thighs are like tree trunks. Its shoulders reach up and back, to where God lives—perhaps as an affront to his pathetic world order. Its ass is pretty much proportional to the rest of its extremely muscled body. For a creature of such girth, this ass is not notable. It is expected.

The Cyberdemon’s ass is round, yes. It is noticeable, sure. But to be truly great, the Cyberdemon will have to put in some real glute work to distinguish it from the rest of its heavily muscled form. And I don’t know if Doom’s most threatening demon is up for the task. The Cyberdemon’s ass embodies a grim truth about the nature of demons, that, unlike the angels above (so high, above), which are so perfect as to be utterly divorced from the petty world of man, demons are deeply fallible and, in that way, so much closer to us. Cyberdemon, I see your disproportionately small ass; there, I see my own. And I weep.