A few months ago Princess Nokia claimed credit for a trend that none of us saw exploding like it has. While on the L Train in NYC, she was on the same car as a bigot espousing racist views and disrespecting other passengers. While other people who weren’t happy with this dude’s antics did the regular thing of forcefully ejecting him from the train, she took it a step forward and equalled, maybe even surpassed, his level of disrespect and threw a whole-ass bowl of soup at him.
Throwing food at someone is much more disrespectful and and much, much more funny than physically assaulting them. It is somehow aggressive and dismissive at the same time. An act that they cannot properly retaliate to, even if they throw food back at you. It says that you don’t care enough to engage fully, but you do care enough to let them know that they never should’ve started with their bullshit in the first place. The ultimate act of proving you’re better than someone else. You’re literally willing to go hungry to prove a point.
Which brings us to last night. JR Smith, NBA Champion, subject of a rap song, and cultural icon, was suspended from the Cleveland Cavaliers game against the Philadelphia 76ers for throwing a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones according to ESPN. The one detail missing from this incredible story though is exactly what kind of soup was used in this act of aggression. So we at Noisey have ranked various soups by just how disrespectful it is to throw them. Here are our evaluations. (Also we’re not here to argue about what is and is not soup at this moment, but stew is not a soup. Again, that is for another article):
Possibly the worst soup. The first one you would be down to throw because you don’t really care. So how is your target supposed to care? Honestly, make this soup illegal.
Completely depends on the temperature of the setting you’re throwing it in so loses points based on that.
Too many ingredients and too thin a broth to be as disrespectful as it could be. Also difficult to throw (trust us), will probably get a decent amount on yourself.
Classic soup, but you’ve probably spilled some on yourself at some point in life so the shock factor is lower.
Yeah, it’s soup. Go argue in the mirror.
Bowling for Soup
Throwing an entire band of humans at another human takes great strength and determination. An extremely impressive action. Bonus points if you manage to throw their equipment as well.
The Red Clam Chowder
Seafood based, which some people can’t stand the smell of. Docked points for being named after one of the least disrespectful boroughs in NYC (Manhattan, where Taylor Swift lives). Maybe if it was Bronx clam chowder it’d be higher.
The White Clam Chowder
Thicker and harder to clean out of stuff than the red clam chowder.
The Soup Nazi Soup
Beans themselves aren’t soup but they’re runny and they are certainly a hassle to clean up. Also you’ll have to worry about being in a similar situation as this guy:
Duck Blood Soup
It’s a Polish soup that’s made of, yes, duck blood. Arguably the most heavy metal of all the soups.
Gravy is a sauce, sauce is soup.
Whatever Soup Subway Is Serving That Day
If you’re someone who eats at Subway you already don’t give a fuck, so some of that energy is immediately transferred into that bowl of chicken noodle or whatever by the time you’ve cocked back your arm. It’s not just soup you’re hitting them with, you’re also imposing your life beliefs on them, their clothing, and other belongings.
Bergen Fish Soup
Look at this shit.
(Photo via flickr/brostad)
You want this thrown at you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
This is the soup sumo wrestlers eat to bulk up so it is an inherently a strong and aggressive soup.
It’s got cheese in it, and have you ever tried to clean liquid cheese out of stuff? Say goodbye to that entire outfit you have on if hit with this.
Spice? Check. Distinctive aroma? Check. Good throwing viscosity and proper broth to ingredient ratio to make it a very disrespectful event? Check, check. Also considering how weird white people get about curry if you’re throwing it at one of them it’ll be a rollercoaster.
Throwing beer at someone is disrespectful, and we’ve already established the same about soup. So if you combine these things? Oh, baby. The victim may have to leave town.
French Onion Soup
Look, French onion is one of the few soups to come in its own special bowl. These things have an extra handle for serious damage. If that didn’t already show a disregard for authority, observe the thick layer of cheese on top of its hot onion pool, like Charon floating on the river Styx awaiting souls to guide to their death. Your dignity will never recover from a specialty bowl/piping hot cheese/sharp onion critical hit.
Cod Sperm Soup
Italian Wedding Soup
An extremely delicious soup. The smell will follow your enemy around all day, making them wish they had some of their own while reminding them of their defeat in battle. Psychological warfare at its finest.
Kimchi is good but oh buddy is that an odor it’s got on it. Also kimchi soup isn’t something most people just have on deck, so if you’re throwing it it’s something you were looking forward to but needed to advance the greater good instead. Thank you for your sacrifice.
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