Turning the late actor John Matuszak into the memorably disfigured character Sloth for the 1985 movie, The Goonies, was an involved process that included the weeks-long creation of a latex prosthetic fitted with an animatronic eye, plus a reported four hours a day of makeup. The result was an iconic image, with Sloth immediately recognizable by his asymmetrical eyes and small, sparsely spaced teeth.
If one wanted to be Sloth for Halloween, the options online are many—several of which actually look like Sloth, as can be seen below.
One supposed Sloth mask on Amazon, however, as recently unearthed on Twitter by writer and actor Ted Travelstead, is definitely... not Sloth.
The mask is billed as "Halloween Mask Novelty Latex Rubber Creepy Horror Goonies Sloth Head Masks Face Frightful for Costume Party," a long list that somehow lacks the one word that best describes its reality: Butt. Instead of Sloth, the mask is, instead, a potato-shaped head that is also an ass... with a face in the middle of it... and a haunting pair of lips exactly where one might expect to see the undercarriage of some genitals. But don't let me jabber on—please, marvel in the ass mask's horrible glory.
Even someone who hasn't seen The Goonies since childhood can tell you that this deranged lovechild of a face and a Fleshlight really, really ain't it. But because some haunted factory somewhere has surely made far more of these fucked up creations than should actually exist, the mask can be obtained from multiple Amazon sellers, for as low as $8.66 up to $28.66, plus shipping.
That's a small price to pay for all the true horror you can now bestow upon your friends this Halloween. Or just whenever, if you're a real freak.