Advertisement
Identity

'Bitch I'm a Cow' Is the Lazy, Sexy Anthem for Tauruses Everywhere

I’m aware that this take is a few days late, but it wouldn’t be fitting if I didn't take my sweet Taurus time writing it.

by Leila Ettachfini
Aug 15 2018, 9:05pm

When rapper Doja Cat released her low-fi music video "Mooo!" last Friday, the internet lost its shit—and rightfully so, because "Mooo!" is a banger if I ever heard one. Doja Cat touched us all with her cowhide lewk (cut-off clout glasses and all), unbothered expression, "turn-up-in-the-country" moo-d, and mouth-watering fast food. But to some of us— looking at you, fellow Tauruses—"Mooo!" went deeper than a fun, catchy new jam. It was visceral; we felt seen.

Before I get into it, know I’m aware that this take is a few days late, but it wouldn’t be a Taurus take if I didn't take my sweet Taurus time writing it.

To begin with the obvious, Taurus literally means bull in Latin. Bulls are male cows, and gender is a construct, ergo: Taurus is a cow. "Bitch, I’m a cow." Boom. Tauruses are famously stubborn and I don’t care if Doja Cat is a Libra in real life, she’s a Taurus in "Mooo!" with the way she insists she’s a cow when you can pretty damn well see she’s a human. She repeats the phrase multiple times, which tells me she’s in an argument with someone who insists she’s not a cow, but like a true Taurus, she’s not budging. The rest of us can only aspire to this level of stubbornness.

We’ll talk about Doja Cat’s Taurus demeanor in a minute, but first let’s address the video’s iconic backgrounds. We begin with a simple cow hide over a green screen. It’s choppy as hell as she moves around, but Tauruses are too chill to be perfectionists, so it’s perfect to us. The background featuring cows on grass is clearly a nod to the fact that we’re an earth sign, as is the line "I ain’t in the city cuz they ain’t got lawns." That said, we all know the anime titties and food backgrounds stole the show. As hedonists obsessed with satisfying our senses through sex, food, perfume, and whatever else, these realistic depictions touch us. Stare at that strawberry ice cream shake concoction at the end and tell me it doesn’t make you feel things—you can’t!

Still from "Mooo!"

We’re starting a whole new paragraph for the anime titties because they deserve it. Doja Cat remains calm and collected as giant cartoon boobs in an extra tiny bikini top bounce around behind her. Now, we don’t know what's actually happening with the character whose boobs these are, but it seems like they must be either running or having sex—and I think we all know which one's more likely. Broadly staff astrologer Annabel Gat tells us that Tauruses have "an immense connection with sensuality and earthly pleasures," so if the person whose boobs those are is getting laid, well, frankly, that’s Taurus as fuck.

In fact, the entire video oozes sensuality, in a truly decadent and indulgent Taurus manner. We’ve got Doja’s red sequin farmer’s daughter thong exposed—and the way she hits that mooooo body roll and finishes it off with a slow twerk. Then we have her burger, shake, and fries, which she continues to eat through the entire video! Add the fact that she's completely nonchalant about being a cannibal? I mean, you couldn’t find a chiller Taurus if you tried.

Doja Cat, I hope you enjoyed being a Libra while it lasted because you’re our Taurus queen now and we’re forever grateful for "Mooo!" Finally, the Taurus representation we deserve.