Once a week Once a month Every so often Whenever we remember to do so, we here at Noisey participate in a thing we made up called We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us. The name should be self-explanatory, but in case it’s not: This is where we ask you, the readers, for things to review. Literally anything and everything is considered. Over the years, we’ve received a healthy mix of hentai porn, dog photos, and demo songs (most of it very bad but there have been like two or three good things). And, well, we remembered to do this horrible series again this month, so let’s dig in, shall we?
Our esteemed reviewers today include Kristin Corry, who is returning for her second consecutive edition (have mercy on her), as well as noted nobody Dan Ozzi and WEBBY-AWARD WINNING SOCIAL MEDIA PRODUCER Trey Smith. (Sorry, he makes us write that in all-caps ever since he beat Katy Perry for a Webby.) Anyway, let’s get this over with.
Dan: Isn’t this the band that did a ska tribute to Neutral Milk Hotel? Yes, it seems it is. Did we need them to also do a ska tribute to Sublime? I think we all know the answer to that. YES. YES WE DID.
Kristin: Giving this a 10/10 just for the old school S’s on the cover art.
Trey: This is like a Lil Pump song with horns.
Kristin: At a glance, I thought this said “Tetris,” but you should totally submit for like a gaming soundtrack. I would play tf out of Tetris to this.
Dan: I’m getting more of a Mortal Kombat vibe from this. If someone shouted “Mortal Kombaaaat!” once in awhile, it would really tie the song together. So that’s my expert feedback on your art: Needs more Mortal Kombat.
Trey: I listened to this twice and now I know exactly how the Cambridge Analytica whistleblower dude feels all the time. I’ll hack tf out of like eight government databases right now.
Kristin: This is awkward. We graduated together last May. Hi.
Dan: Resumes are irrelevant in 2018. The one true workplace currency is social media followers. Every five thousand new followers I pick up on Twitter earns me a $10/week raise here.
Trey: I’m not reading all this but you seem very qualified for whatever you’re pursuing and I hope you do well in your career.
Dan: I absolutely dare LinkedIn to participate in their own We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us. They won't do it.
Trey: I don’t see a single lie in this tweet.
Dan: Man, when you see it written out like that, it’s hard to deny the artistry.
Kristin: Is this life after three kids?
Kristin: Uncle Jesse! I smiled through this whole video for nostalgia’s sake, but not because it’s good. Mainly just thinking about how Danny Tanner would’ve had a fit about all of those candles.
Dan: Uncle Jesse was that friend who was so cool that no one had the courage to tell him his art sucked. I have no fear of Stamos so I’ll be the one to say it: This shit sounds like one of those Russell Brand songs from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Uncle Jesse, you got a karaoke bar lookin-ass video, my guy. Video looking like some shit that would impress Kristen Bell and Jonah Hill in Hawaii.
Trey: Seems kind of irresponsible to have those babies around all those candles. This is also weirdly sensual for a song about babies, weird-ass Uncle Jesse. Someone should’ve thought about this a little more for like an extra ten minutes.
Dan: Yeah why is he in this sensual bed with these kids? That’s weird as hell now that I think of it. It’s like they had an actress lined up but she canceled last minute so Jesse offered his kids.
Trey: They were like, “Wait, did you bring your kids to a video shoot with a sex scene?”
Dan: This is my pal Chris Farren and I would like to take this opportunity to declare him to be The Internet’s Favorite Boy™
Kristin: His nail polish is awesome.
Trey: I respect this gif.
Kristin: I was prepared to not like this because you yelled at us. Your beats aren’t bad though. “Pound” sounds like something Issa Rae would rap over on Insecure. Have some manners next time.
Dan: I won’t be bullied into listening to this. All caps and the red emoji face? Nah. I’m a music journalist who many prestigious publications have called “we’ll take a pass but thanks” and I will be respected, dammit.
Trey: Yeah the yelling in addition to the middle finger on the cover is not helping your case dude. That being said, “Wreck” and “Midnight” especially slap. Please watch your tone with us in the future.
Kristin: I don’t like cats, so nah.
Dan: Kristin noooooo the internet is gonna come for you! The web was literally founded by cats. Cats can haz ur personal data!
Kristin: Cats can go to hell.
Dan: If our future feline overlords are reading this, I would like to go on record saying that I, Dan Ozzi, of sound mind, do not share in Kristin Corry's hatred of cats. Her statements do not represent me or my opinions. Please spare my life when your species rules the world.
Trey: I’ve learned to appreciate cats the older I get. That being said, these cats aren’t even crazy like that.
Kristin: This dog can have all of my socks. Every single pair.
Trey: Not to be dramatic or anything but I need to meet Salvador or I might just give up on life.
Dan: I’ve heard of Dog with a Blog but Dog with a Sock???
Kristin: The real gold star goes to the person who edited this video.
Dan: I know this isn’t the point of this video but maybe they could’ve used four regular water bottles instead of 16,000 baby ones? End homophobia/save the planet.
Trey: Never forget:
Kristin: More gamer tunes. This is Tetris-y also. Maybe Pac-Man. I don’t know, maybe I’m just making it more obvious I don’t play games?
Dan: Truly impressed by an artist whose influences include the Dr. Mario theme songs and the Contra infinity lives code, which [looks directly into the camera] I still know by heart.
Trey: This is what a Roomba sounds like on molly.
Kristin: “This should be funny” headass. I didn’t laugh once. A song titled “Headass” should deliver.
Dan: TAKE A STEP BACK FROM THE MICROPHONE.
Trey: You know when car commercials have rapping in them for some reason? Well those are better than this.
Dan: I like how the guy admits that the first rapper he worshipped was the Fresh Prince because SAME. Parents don’t just don’t understand, Will was right about that one.
Kristin: “Ain’t paying my student loans, but I’m paying attention.” So many people are going to hear that and be like, “Same!” You said some real things on this that get lost. I’m not sure if it’s the beat, your tone, or both, but it reads a little fake deep.
Trey: Idk if the lyrics are there but the groove definitely is so good job on that point.
Dan: The absolute boy. Congrats on your graduation, my dude. These photos are so pure.
Kristin: Congratulations! Refer to Dan’s comment at the top about resumes.
Trey: I really appreciate the genuine joy on display here. Congrats, dude, we’re all proud as hell of you.
Dan: I also have never heard Jack Johnson, so I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this impression. But as far as impressions of what Jack Johnson might sound like go, this is top notch.
Kristin: Same, but this has all the makings of a prime roasting. Hope Jack Johnson’s pissed.
Dan: Yeah, Trey, be sure to @ Jack Johnson when you tweet this article. I wanna see him lose his chill.
Trey: Who’s Jack Johnson?
Dan: He’s John Jackson’s brother.
Dan: When God closes a door, he opens an Arby’s.
Kristin: Bless up.
Trey: Join the club, dude.
Trey: I followed the instructions and nothing happened. 0/10
Dan: I’m trying to think of an image that would embody Noisey more than this one and I can’t think of one.
Kristin: Definitely worthy of a lede photo for an end-of-year list. Aesthetic goals. 2018’s already been that kind of year.
Dan: Trey, can you change our Twitter header image to this?
Dan: Man, you know you’re in for a heavy doom album when a full minute goes by and you’re still not sure if it’s started yet.
Kristin: 25 mins… I’m already anxious enough 35 seconds in.
Trey: This definitely qualifies as music. I know that much.
Kristin: It should be illegal to send photos of dogs and not tell us their names. What am I supposed to do without a name?
Trey: Again, not to be dramatic or anything, BUT I need to meet this good boy as well or I’m gonna lose it.
Dan: Wow, a bandana with hydrants and bones, huh? Little on the nose for a dog, innit? This is the canine equivalent of the guy who wears a Superman shirt to the gym. (Why would Superman need to lift weights, idiot?)
Dan: I didn’t want to include this on here but Trey took my laptop and just kept saying, “No, we have to. We have to. Dan, we have to.” Got kind of aggressive about it, actually.
Trey: If I had to see it, the whole world has to see it.
Kristin: Thanks for this, Trey.
Kristin: I’m not mad at this. Nice length also. Not too long, but short enough to want more. Wise choice.
Dan: Kristin! Read your description back, but while keeping in mind that it’s called Hog Mountain.
Trey: Is the title some sort of intersection of Charlotte’s Web and dick jokes? Anyway, the music doesn’t suck.
Kristin: This is good! The beginning sounds a little like old Big Sean, but production-wise I’m into it.
Trey: I read Kristin saying “The beginning sounds a little like old Big Sean” before I hit play so I won’t be hitting play.
Dan: “I can take ten Ls in a row”? Not that impressive. I, personally, can take 11 Ls in a row.
Kristin: I don’t know what Paddington is or why the world needed a sequel to whatever the first one was.
Dan: I didn’t see Paddington 2 because that’s time I could be watching Boss Baby.
Trey: I didn’t see it but Paddington is a fashion icon so it’s got my vote regardless.
Dan: WHY ARE PEOPLE SUBMITTING SO MUCH SKA? I like that this was filmed in an attic because you can almost hear a woman shouting, “Mark! You promised your father your friends wouldn’t play their little horns after Wheel of Fortune! Now go up to the Wawa and pick me up some Newports!”
Trey: I’d get fired if I typed what I wanted to here so I’ll just DM y’all in a second.
Kristin: This is awesome. Christmas in May.
Dan: Hell is waiting for the “woohoo!” to kick in and it never does.
Kristin: I don’t know shit about drums, but the description is judging me. “Drum track ripped off, kinda basic.”
Trey: How much time did this take you to make, Twitter user Suncaverns? Read a book or something next time instead, please.
Dan: Also, for what it’s worth, when I tried to copy and paste this link it crashed my computer.
Dan: Wait, this is a podcast interviewing the woman who is the subject of the band Elway’s breakup songs? My GOD the audience for this is limited to basically one person.
Kristin: Oop. You guys talking about 11-year-old breakups? This is messy.
Trey: None of any of the information presented in this is any of my business and I can’t condone anything about this.
Dan: It’s crazy how I can spend 20 hours a day on the internet and still not understand the internet.
Kristin: Stop sending us cliffhangers!
Trey: I know I said we weren’t gonna Google anything but I had to Google this. From what I can tell Mickey and Goofy end up in Donald’s digestive tract and give him mudbutt. Yeah. If you want confirmation that God is dead here you go:
A NOTE TO THE COWARD WHO SUBMITTED AN EXTREMELY RAUNCHY VIDEO OF A WOMAN GETTING DAGGERED IN A CLUB BUT DELETED IT BEFORE WE GOT A CHANCE TO REVIEW IT:
Stand in your truth, you coward. We watched the video. Many times, in fact. We had questions. We had theories. But now the world will never know them because of your pusillanimity. Yeah, we had to look that word up because we needed something to accurately capture how we strongly feel about your lack of internet courage. For shame.