Ask a Hooker: As a Freelancer, How Can I Ask for More Money?

Lydia Faithfull is a full-time sex worker at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada. She specializes in domination, humiliation, and good conversation. She refuses to kiss for money.

Dear Lydia,

I'm a freelancer who relies on the ability to negotiate in order to make my rent and bills. I often have to negotiate with men for my services (graphic design). Any tips on how to best get men to give me more money?

Thanks,

Hustlin'

Oh Hustlin',

I don't envy your situation. In sex work negotiations, we coax and manipulate using our feminine wiles. I don't advise that here, but in a sense you are selling yourself. Men hire personalities they want to work with. I have to consciously warm up my tone in emails to appear cordial (every affected smiley probably shaves a minute off my life). Nothing amuses me more than a man inquiring about my "rate". My rate is your maximum allowance, friend. I think of myself as Lady Robin Hood, redistributing the wealth.

Our job is to unearth their budget without asking directly. This may involve homework and research. If my trusted peers have worked with a potential client, best believe I will politely inquire about their experience and ideally walk away with a ballpark figure of what they were paid.

Always start high in negotiation. You may experience a sticker shock reaction. Don't let that deter you and avoid responding with defensiveness. Ask for what you think you deserve. Dennis Hof once told me about a sex worker at the Bunny Ranch who negotiated the deed to a broke client's house. Most ladies would have split upon learning that a client had no money in their bank account. This woman saw an opportunity and went for it. Bless her heart.

After you've asked for what you want, you need to be able to speak to how you arrived at that number. Patiently explain what basic X affords them. Then you need to upsell luxurious Y. When is the deadline for your work? If something were due quickly and was sure to interrupt my immediate plans, the cost would absolutely increase. Never let a man on the fence walk out the door. Regardless of what he says, he will not return.

I believe in rewarding regular clientele. That's your bread and butter. If a client is easy and returns to you, factor that into your negotiation. We want to milk the cow, not slaughter it. Regulars are also great for testimonials. Many sex workers negotiate reviews as part of their tip.

Know your worth and don't be afraid to kindly turn down clients if you cannot reach an agreement. It's also perfectly fine to take on a modest project, but make sure your time isn't being exploited. Low paying gigs should mean minimal effort on your part.

My number one piece of advice to you, Hustlin', is to maintain multiple streams of income so that you have the freedom to say no when necessary. Find one source of income that involves meeting large groups of potential new clients. This may have nothing to do with graphic design. Maybe host an event of some kind. More networking means less hustlin'.

Dear Lydia,

My boyfriend has a small sex toy, a very pretty and chic vibrator, that belongs to him but he's used on other women. He tells me that he's cleaned it very diligently after each use and that other women he's been with didn't have a problem with it. I asked him to get a new one for us, and he did but I'm still kind of weirded out by the situation. Am I being uptight? Shouldn't I be happy that a guy is so interested in women's pleasure? Is this something men do now?

Help,

Bad Vibes

Dear Bad Vibes,

No man gets to stick anything inside you without an enthusiastic "Hell yes!". Your boyfriend's coaxing makes me more uncomfortable than the question of hygiene. I don't care if his past lovers didn't object. When you expressed feelings of reservation, the conversation should have abruptly ended. It would have been a boss move if he had tossed the haunted vibrator in the trash, grabbed you by the hand, and said "C'mon, let's go shopping for OUR sex toy."

If someone wants to fuck you regularly, there shouldn't be any qualms about what you need to feel comfortable. I would also apply that logic to std tests in new, monogamous, fluid bonded relationships. If a man sneers at the expense, he simply does not get the pleasure of sticking his dick inside me. At 34 years old, I've never had an std (or a pregnancy scare, for that matter) because I do not allow men to run roughshod over my boundaries. Expressions like "just the tip" emphasize the desperate, sexual idiocy we're subjected to. Have you ever begged a man to stick something inside of him? No? Me either.

As for hygiene and sanitation, I've recycled sex toys with clients. We use condoms on them every single time. Even if he's gagging on my strap-on, a condom is still mandatory. It's totally unhip to say, but I'm a big fan of condoms in my romantic relationships too. My pussy, my policy.

Dear Lydia,

As a guy who is trying to learn and become less entitled, I want to ask if there are any subtle things which "nice guys" will do which they think are understanding or progressive or positive, but which secretly aren't?

Thank you for your time and insight!

TryingToChange

Dear TryingToChange,

Public outcry following the Stanford rape case has lead to many of my male followers on social media reminding women that they're "one of the good guys". That shit is not helpful. Men don't deserve a pat on the back for not raping an unconscious body. The hashtag #notallmen fills me with unbridled rage because it's dismissive of our suffering. In the wake of tragedy, women deserve empathy, not defensiveness. If men want to be feminist allies and contribute to the Brock Turner outrage, start by telling other men not to rape.

Flattery also gets my goat. So often men will stroke my ego and tell me what they believe I want to hear as an attempt to disarm me. There's nothing worse than cloying adulation from a stranger. A male friend of mine once confided that he never flirts with women at their place of employment, where they are paid to be nice. I've always thought that was an enlightened approach.

Above all, listen to women. If you've offended a woman with your subconscious entitlement, ask her how you could have handled things differently and apply that knowledge to future female interactions. Seems like you're already kind of doing that. Stay woke, Bae.